AIBU to want to step in, for my DD

[PutItInNeutral]

I’m reposting this, as I had inadvertently put some IRL info. Thanks for those who posted previously, I took screen shots so I can reread later, I got some awesome advice.

My daughter, 8, is easy going, has friends, is fun, and can be a little bit sensitive. She been friends with a classmate, let’s call her Cindy, for about 3 years. Cindy’s family are rich, 1 parent is a v.high earner. plus family money too. They live in a massive house, multiple expensive cars, new model iPhones for all the siblings. We aren’t rich, but we’re comfortable, nice clean house, nothing fancy parked outside.

Since lockdown, they’ve been FTing, and we’ve bubbled with them for playdates mostly at ours. DD has been upset on a few occasions by comments like this from Cindy “why don’t you go on holiday abroad on an aeroplane”, after we had a fairly local minibreak, “when are you gonna get a bigger car, yours is tiny and boring” during a lift home(we have no Blu-ray player).

Cindy also brings play dates to a screeching halt, by suddenly getting into a mood or strop, and not wanting to play anything, kinda sulks on the couch and asks me to msg her Mum to get her (which her Mum does right away). Eg if the playdate is at Cindy’s house, Cindy will refuse to let the friends in her room, and my DD and other kids are left wandering around the house until the mood subsides.

Cindy’s Mum doesn’t always see the mood, but if she does, she brushes it off, e.g. oh she’s having allergies today, or not enough sleep last night. Or laugh it off, saying “Cindy can be an arsehole, but what can I do!?”.

I’m tempted to put a stop to play dates, lifts to school or activities. Is this taking the easy way out. But Cindy is in class w DD, and will continue to talk to her like this. My daughter still has fun with Cindy, when C is in a good mood, she can be funny and enjoyable, and DD hasn’t indicated that she wants the friendship to end.

Or should I say something to Cindy as it happens, like if you can’t share/play/speak nicely to DD, the playdate is over. Or even say something before anything kicks off, like “you can come swimming with DD, but if you can’t behave, you’ll be sent home”. But I also feel it’s not my place to tell someone else’s child what to do.

I feel like I’m rewarding Cindys difficult behavior by continuing to host and carpool, and I can see my DD is noticing this, with comments like “Cindy doesn’t get told off for xxx”.

I can’t believe an 8 year old is giving me the runaround so much, but honestly I’ve never had deal with kid who’s so challenging for me. Mumsnet, any help or suggestions are welcome.

Or should I say something to Cindy as it happens, like if you can’t share/play/speak nicely to DD, the playdate is over. Or even say something before anything kicks off, like “you can come swimming with DD, but if you can’t behave, you’ll be sent home”.

YES

But I also feel it’s not my place to tell someone else’s child what to do.

It is your place if you are the adult in charge.

Your house, your rules.

Agree with your house your rules for blatant rudeness etc.

I think for some aspects of the relationship kids have to navigate themselves - eg I wouldn't prevent your DD from seeing her if she wants to.

If she starts getting rude and stroppy, text the mother yourself for her to come and collect the little princess, rather than waiting for her to get bored/stroppy enough to do it.
At least then the Mother is collecting little princess because she's misbehaving, rather than little princess dictating what happens.

The bragging "affluence boast/talk" is harder - she sounds a ghastly child, but maybe has little concept of wealth or lack of?
Keep your fingers crossed that your daughter gets bored with her.

She upsets your DD? I’d be making these playdates less and less frequent until hopefully they fizzle out. If your DD doesn’t miss her, job done.
If DD still wants her around, yes you have every right to impose reasonable behaviour rules. Tough luck if the mother doesn’t like it, you’re not her servant.

"Let's not make braggy comments" smile warmly at the same time. She will know what braggy means. Cultivate other friendships.

I would try to cultivate other friendships, it just doesn't sound healthy or fun really.

Thanks for all the advice. Yes I’ve got to do the “my house, my rules” thing with Cindy, and I really think it’s time to let this friendship fade. It’s more trouble than it’s worth.

I have weeded frankly bloody awful dc out with the My house My rules.. Time to be a helicopter dm also. Pull her up on any spiteful /bragging remarks... In your care you rule not her op!!

I’ve said to one of DD’s friends once ‘it’s not polite to say things like that to others’ with a nice smile and knowing look.
It did stop it but I think it was thoughtless comments rather than deliberate bragging.

If the parents are rich, do you think it's likely that they will send Cindy off to private school soon (= problem solves itself)? I would fizzle out the playdates because these comments sound hurtful and will only get worse as the kids get older.

Well, what are you modelling to your DD if you don't do anything - that it's ok to boast, misbehave and treat friends badly? I'd be intervening pronto.

I wish Cindy was off to private school, but our local schools are excellent so I think we’ll be dealing with her for the long haul.

These play dates and lifts are going to stop, at least for us to take a break. My DD does have other friends, and during Easter break I need to contact other parents for get togethers. We’re not in the UK, most everyone has had the vaccine.

If we ever do have Cindy in my care, I’m definitely gonna put my foot down with the bratty behavior. I appreciate the comments, of course you’re right, especially mentioning the role modeling for DD.

I had a suggestion previously to sign up DD for drama. Genius idea, and I’ve got her into a day camp in June. Hopefully she likes it, and it give us a chance to make new friends.

My dear old Mum would have called Cindy a proper little madam.

Thanks everyone