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Original poster

Blended family and step-children costs split

71 replies

tiredoflondonwanttomove · 29/03/2021 16:16

A hypothetical question. The situation is not mine (discussed with a friend over the weekend), but it got me thinking.
So the situation.
A single mother at the moment is a sole provider for her young children, and has been from their birth (dad is not in the picture financially). She is in a relationship with a man, which gets serious and the next logical step is marriage.
Her new partner wants to have children in this new marriage (he doesn't have any), and she is not averse to the idea herself. Which will, most likely, lead to a couple of years of decreased earnings for her (her job is not very compatible with caring after babies / toddlers). No one is on the breadline here, but not wealthy either - at the moment she probably earns a little bit more, but it is quite situational, their earning powers are roughly equal.
What is the "fair" way to deal with costs regarding her older children in this case? I am genuinely interested in all opinions, of course in every specific case the arrangements would be unique to the family. I am just interested in what people consider to be fair in the abstract case. Should her new DP pick up some of the costs in respect of the stepchildren or not?

OP posts:
GrandDuchessRomanov · 29/03/2021 16:18

Yes. You are either a "blended" family or not and that presumably includes finances.

Tinydinosaur · 29/03/2021 16:23

If she's down on her income to look after his children then yes he should pick up the difference so she can still provide for her existing kids.
There's no one answer to blended families though, it's different for everyone.

TeenMinusTests · 29/03/2021 16:24

Of course he should.
Choosing to have a child together impacts on her ability to provide for the existing children. ergo, it becomes his responsibility.

Billandben444 · 29/03/2021 16:25

Yes, if you commit to someone then you're committing to her children as well - would be different if dad was paying his whack.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/03/2021 16:25

I know people disagree with this but personally I think if you’re marrying someone you combine finances into one pot and all family bills come out of that. Which would mean when the mother takes maternity leave and has a reduced income, the whole family has a reduced income and have to tighten their belts.

OlympicProcrastinator · 29/03/2021 16:26

If you marry a parent, as opposed to just dating them then you treat all children in the marriage as your own. If you don’t want to do that or want to treat step children differently, don’t get married.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/03/2021 16:26

And if Dad was paying child support I’d expect that to go into the family pot too

stackemhigh · 29/03/2021 16:29

It's not fair for her to be financially disadvantaged because she is having their child/ren. So yes, they need to pool finances.

GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2021 16:30

Its not a simple answer.

If he can he should. You're a team after all. But maybe he cant. Particularly if he already has children. Other individual circumstances may be at play too.

Also why isnt their father supporting them? He should be.

Norwaydidnthappen · 29/03/2021 16:32

He’s marrying a woman who has children so of course he has to expect to be partially responsible for those children financially and otherwise.

Original poster
tiredoflondonwanttomove · 29/03/2021 16:38

@GabriellaMontez

Its not a simple answer.

If he can he should. You're a team after all. But maybe he cant. Particularly if he already has children. Other individual circumstances may be at play too.

Also why isnt their father supporting them? He should be.

Thank you, it is not my situation, it is one of my friends, who just got proposed to this weekend. It is worrying her much more than it is worrying him, but it got to her head after an insensitive comment from one of his relatives when they called with the news (something along the lines of "cool, now you could afford to stay at home and look after your kids", or similar). They live together now, but finances are not an issue - it is quite comfortable on two salaries, so the question of who pays for what isn't a pressing one.

The children's dad just does not want to pay anything, and he is in a different jurisdiction so it is all complicated, but a completely different story. He should, but there are no options for enforcement.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 29/03/2021 16:42

it is one of my friends, who just got proposed to this weekend. It is worrying her much more than it is worrying him

She needs to get this nailed down before marrying and definitely before having his child. It’s too late when she has the baby and realises that all his “we’ll sort it later” actually meant “I don’t want to agree to anything”.

Merryoldgoat · 29/03/2021 16:43

If you marry someone with dependent children you become a de-facto parent and costs should be split equally.

But it’s messy and tricky and it’s why I’d never personally do it.

LaceyBetty · 29/03/2021 16:43

If her having more children with him means her existing children are worse off, then yes, he needs to contribute to them too. If he does not agree to this, I would not be having more children and certainly not with him.

Original poster
tiredoflondonwanttomove · 29/03/2021 16:53

@UhtredRagnarson

it is one of my friends, who just got proposed to this weekend. It is worrying her much more than it is worrying him

She needs to get this nailed down before marrying and definitely before having his child. It’s too late when she has the baby and realises that all his “we’ll sort it later” actually meant “I don’t want to agree to anything”.

Yes, this is true. I know the guy and he seems very decent, but it is also true that he has very little visibility at the moment of how much her children actually cost - both in essential costs and optional extras such as clubs and hobbies.
OP posts:
HelloSocks · 29/03/2021 16:53

I had this situation. Two DC from a previous relationship but with a dad on the scene EOW.

Met my now husband and was up front before we married that my kids were to always be the priority/responsibility to both of us or marriage wouldn't happen. That included finances.

He happily agreed. 10 years later we have DC between us now and all the children are provided for equally, and mainly by DH (I earn much less).

We are a family, not two separate ones living in the same house.

justchecking1 · 29/03/2021 17:05

I'm always fascinated by Mumsnet answers.

There was a thread here recently basically asking this exact question, with the sexes reversed. The NRP father was the one who had given up work to take care of their new baby, and the new wife was asking whether she should make payments towards the costs of his existing children.

The answers were the exact opposite of the answers on this thread, and everyone said no, his costs for his existing children were nothing to do with her!

sanfranfibber · 29/03/2021 17:11

@GabriellaMontez

Its not a simple answer.

If he can he should. You're a team after all. But maybe he cant. Particularly if he already has children. Other individual circumstances may be at play too.

Also why isnt their father supporting them? He should be.

Then the couple can't afford to have more children and should make a decision as such.
Original poster
tiredoflondonwanttomove · 29/03/2021 17:13

@justchecking1

I'm always fascinated by Mumsnet answers.

There was a thread here recently basically asking this exact question, with the sexes reversed. The NRP father was the one who had given up work to take care of their new baby, and the new wife was asking whether she should make payments towards the costs of his existing children.

The answers were the exact opposite of the answers on this thread, and everyone said no, his costs for his existing children were nothing to do with her!

I need to find that thread now as it is exactly my situation with my ex Grin I promise this thread is genuine. As I said, it got me thinking - I am also a single mother, although nowhere close to even dating someone new. And yes, I would feel somewhat uncomfortable if my (hypothetical) new DH was required to contribute to my children's upkeep. So I could really relate to my friend's situation.
OP posts:
PurpleBiro21 · 29/03/2021 17:15

@justchecking1 is that the one where dad was giving up to SAHD for his twins?

I think the SM conclusions was mum of SKs should get a job and childcare so she could cope without CM (as he was SAHD).

Terrible.

Teardrop2021 · 29/03/2021 17:16

Why wouldn't he support the family unit. I had DS from a previous relationship and we went on to have DD and DS2 so two maternities plus I had a 1 year with DS2 until he started nursery. DH supported us all during the time. We are a team I don't understand what way you could possibly do it.

Merryoldgoat · 29/03/2021 17:17

It’s threads like this that just make me even more sure that blended families are generally a bad idea.

justchecking1 · 29/03/2021 17:20

@PurpleBiro21 yes that's the one!

stackemhigh · 29/03/2021 17:20

There was a thread here recently basically asking this exact question, with the sexes reversed. The NRP father was the one who had given up work to take care of their new baby, and the new wife was asking whether she should make payments towards the costs of his existing children.

The answers were the exact opposite of the answers on this thread, and everyone said no, his costs for his existing children were nothing to do with her!

Are you sure? Legally his new wife doesn't have to pay but I think most people would say that they should still pay the child maintenance.

Are you thinking of the thread where the OP was being expected to pay private school fees for her DSC? Because that was ridiculous.

katy1213 · 29/03/2021 17:20

But she doesn't really need any more children, does she? Sounds like she's doing quite nicely without. And how likely is he to step up to provide 50/50 care for this new baby - or is it more of a vanity project, passing down his male genes which, god forbid, mustn't be allowed to die out?

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