To think, if I say it’s hard being pregnant and looking after a toddler, it is?

[shittingthreeeyedraven]

Just a rant really. I’m 28 weeks and knackered. Still working from home 4 days and having 2.9 year old toddler one day. It’s the holidays so have them every day this week.

I’m finding it hard going but every time I say this to dh I can almost hear him rolling his eyes (not stupid enough to do it physically) and going oh ok.

This is the man who has had dc on his own for maybe 4 full days in total, spaced out, and has no idea what it’s actually like. He has had her list for a couple of hours here and there but even then not much for the past year due to lockdowns and me having no where to go.

They have just hit a phase of starting to drop their nap which makes days long and exhausting with no respite for me and I’m struggling.

I’m just looking for a rant really, thanks!

I think you need to drop a lot of the housework so he has to get used to doing more before your maternity leave, otherwise he will expect you to do it all and you can’t- you can’t nap when your baby naps as you’ll have a toddler, and it’s exhausting, so you’ll need to lie down with toddler and watch CBeebies for a rest. Not do the hoovering.

You need to tell him you’re having a nap everyday when he gets home and every day at the weekend. This needs to start now and continue for a long time. I deeply regret doing so much as my husband never offered to give me a break (I have 4 DC)

You may need to really dig your heels in but second child is a different scenario to first. He’ll need to get used to a LOT more work.

You need, not want, rest.

Of course it’s exhausting. My DH doesn’t always pull his weight so there’s no fucking way I’d get pregnant with another child while my existing one is still such hard work. He’s being a knob.

I did have a cleaner but stopped having her due to COVID and not really wanting people in the house. It’s also impossible to work from home with a cleaner in the background so not really an option at the moment.
I HATE cleaning so much but I also hate having a dirty house.

It is really hard. For me it was harder than looking after a newborn and a toddler (but easier than looking after a mobile six month old and a toddler).

Yes I think the naps are a good idea, and I do like a good nap, but equally it’s the only time I get to myself so also want to do things I enjoy in that time.
Thank goodness the toddler will still be at nursery when the baby comes so I will only be juggling two of them for two days a week and a couple of hours until dh gets home after pick up

He doesn’t get to put on the dressing gown of doom and be ill, unless he’s properly, seriously ill. As you know, it’s perfectly possible and normal to look after a toddler while feeling a bit shit.

For what it’s worth I found from about four days post c-section with newborn and toddler a million times better than late pregnancy and toddler. Pregnancy is awful.

I’m glad you posted this OP. I’m 33 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 3 year old. I finished work a couple of weeks ago and have 3 days at home whilst DD is at nursery (still gets her funded 30 hours while I’m on mat leave) and I really need that break!
I don’t take her out alone as I can’t catch her if she bolts and I can’t walk very far. I thought I was being a bit precious about this but it seems this is normal.
I have no idea how I’m going to manage two newborns but I just can’t wait for this pregnancy to be over. I feel trapped by my own body.

Being pregnant and having to look after a little one is so exhausting. It will be easier when baby comes.
YANBU xx

YANBU at all BUT you are rejecting most options that might help. Get a cleaner and go out with your child one morning a week. Tell your DH that going forward he needs to do x, y and z and yes, he needs to do it without being nagged and at the time it should be done.

Leave him in charge more and even if it feels a bit pointless it’s time to yourself.

I can remember very clearly even almost 30 years later thinking that having a toddler and a newborn was a piece of piss compared to being pregnant and I had a straightforward pregnancy, it’s just bloody exhausting.

Tldr: delegate and stick to it.

@MatildaTheCat

YANBU at all BUT you are rejecting most options that might help. Get a cleaner and go out with your child one morning a week. Tell your DH that going forward he needs to do x, y and z and yes, he needs to do it without being nagged and at the time it should be done.

Leave him in charge more and even if it feels a bit pointless it’s time to yourself.

I can remember very clearly even almost 30 years later thinking that having a toddler and a newborn was a piece of piss compared to being pregnant and I had a straightforward pregnancy, it’s just bloody exhausting.

Tldr: delegate and stick to it.

I know! I do feel a bit like I am picking holes in all suggestions, but I can’t have the cleaner here while I’m working as I’m a teacher and need to actually teach my classes, and to be honest the thought of having to go out with the toddler on my one day a week off for the whole morning fills me with dread as there is nowhere to go! The house takes 3 hours to do properly so it really is a long time to be out in the cold and wet every week. I will make DH step up this week though as he is off work too so can do the child care while I do the house, or vice versa. Problem is, I kind of want him to do both for a bit!

Of course YANBU but your husband is being shit. Why does he think saying he was going to do something and then waiting til you do it, and then still not doing it and letting you do it, is ok? What kind of horrible person lets their heavily pregnant partner do all the housework? And why the fuck doesnt he look after the toddler all weekend? Just tell him you need to rest, tell the toddler you are going out and go upstairs and read a book. Tell him he needs to do the chores by a deadline and not doing it is not an option. Surely you can get a cleaner that comes in your lunch break or after your live teaching is over?

Cant you put your toddler in nursery on the day you have her at home

And if you can't stand a messy house, clean up your own stuff as you go and put all his shit into a big black bag and leave it somewhere that you can't see for him to sort out.
I'm sorry but he is being really shit doing things like leaving his stuff out to clean in the morning and then not doing so because he is ill. If its just a virus then being heavily pregnant trumps a cold. Why is it ok for him to excuse himself from parenting and chores but not you? Has he always been this shit? Can you move back to your parents or something for a week or so to actually get a bit of rest and support?

You need to get tougher with him. Don’t wait for him to do things, sit down and go through the required jobs, and decide how to split them. Your body is under huge strain right now, so he doesn’t get to sit around pretending to be ill.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Cant you put your toddler in nursery on the day you have her at home

I could, but a) it’s another £900 for the term per day, and b) I feel I should occasionally see my child even if I do find it hard.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my toddler and really enjoy spending time one to one with her, but it does get hard after a while

And it doesn’t get easier with a newborn, it gets harder. If he’s in an entrenched pattern of expecting you to do all the childcare and cleaning while you’re working, he’s going to dig his heels in even more when you’re on maternity leave.

You need to have higher expectations. Parenting and sharing household chores isn’t something men should get away with doing when they feel like it.

YANBU

I was massively anaemic while pregnant with ds2. Ds1 was 2 1/2 when I fell pregnant. Was constantly unwell throughout the pregnancy and DH worked away from home and was only home for one weekend in 3.

You need your DH to get off his backside and start pulling his weight more. I feel for you!

It’s awful. It’s what has stopped us having a third. I got pregnant with our second when the first was 18months and the full nine months were awful. All I remember is just dragging myself through the days and constantly feeling sick and exhausted while CBeebies was on in the background. You have my sympathy. And if it helps, having a new born and a toddler is nothing compared to the horror of the pregnancy, so it was all a breeze in comparison, I felt like I had so much energy!

Umm if he’s ill now it’s a great opportunity to ask him what he expects to happen when you’re sick. You’re physically struggling every day. Will he help?
I don’t understand why it’s being taken for granted that you will just keep working while having a child at home and struggling with pregnancy??

"Cant you put your toddler in nursery on the day you have her at home

I could, but a) it’s another £900 for the term per day, and b) I feel I should occasionally see my child even if I do find it hard."

Is there anyone else that could have the toddler for a few hours just to give you a break since your husband wont?

I know the guilt (I've been there) especially when you know that this is the last time they will have you completely to themself for a while and you feel you want to make any second count. But there is also no point running yourself into the ground. It's not like there are lots of activities to do out of nursery at the moment. I ended up putting my eldest into nursery 5 days towards the end of my pregnancy (had previously been 4) as just couldn't cope. And I felt awful. But when I did spend time with her I was a better parent and could do more than sit on the sofa watching TV because I wasnt so exhausted. Also she ended up spending more time with me overall than she would have if I hadn't given her a sibling as she dropped down to 3 days at pre school and having holidays off when I was on maternity leave rather than being in 4 days all the time

It’s not impossible to wfh with a cleaner. Mine comes once a week and I am on back to back Teams calls, when they’re here I shut myself away in a room and they don’t come into that room. It means it doesn’t get cleaned but the rest of the house does.

He doesn’t get to put on his dressing gown of doom, be ‘ill’ and opt out. What the hell does he think you’ve been doing for weeks and weeks and weeks?? - Struggling along no matter how shit you feel, because that’s just what you have to do. The same applies to him, since he didn’t show you any sympathy nor do anything to lighten your load.