My kids are lonely

[SusannahMartin]

I believe a series of decisions made by my dh and I have created a very lonely life for my kids and I am really starting to regret it. We live in the middle of a small town and so my kids don't have access to kids on an estate and they attend a very small school and so they have little access to kids there. My dd11 said tonight that her childhood is fun but friendships are hard. My ds13 seems lonely most of the time. I have done my best to mitigate against this but at this stage they are too old to have their social lives filled by me. Also, myself and my dh are unconventional people and so we don't have many friends in the area. My ds has moved to a larger school but I think the damage has been already done. AIBU to feel filled with regret that these 2 decisions - the house and the school - have ruined my kids' childhood?

I live in a bustling city and my DC are bored and lonely a lot.
Can you plan a game night for the family if they've an xbox/PS there is a few multi player games or watch a scary movie.
Move out of your comfort zone.
It is true "it is not where you live it is how you live"
Make a conscious effort to bring fun in.
I'd love to live in a nice quiet village with good school.

That’s really sad. My kids make friends at the drop of a hat. I did too as a kid. Thought most kids did, I take mine to the park and within minutes they are playing with some other kid... maybe that’s a busy town life??

Are there actually other children where your kids are? Kids normally want to be together to hang out, are they allowed out to go roaming? If not do you have the kids over for them to hang out?

Feeling lonely must be pretty shit.

Could they invite some friends in after school? In my teenage years I was so close to my friends as we all used to chill in each other’s bedrooms after school everyday, nothing was ever planned. None of our parents knew each other so don’t worry about that

@Magnificentmug12

That’s really sad. My kids make friends at the drop of a hat. I did too as a kid. Thought most kids did, I take mine to the park and within minutes they are playing with some other kid... maybe that’s a busy town life??

Are there actually other children where your kids are? Kids normally want to be together to hang out, are they allowed out to go roaming? If not do you have the kids over for them to hang out?

Feeling lonely must be pretty shit.

We live in a busy estate and my kids go to a big school and they still find it hard to make friends. They are shy, sensitive and introverted. I get very, very frustrated by my friends and family that make assumptions like this.

Are there any clubs or anything they could join?

What were the primary school years like? Are they just lonely now because of covid?

What do you mean when you say you are unconventional

Once we are allowed I would suggest throwing a really good birthday party for them and inviting the class. It will cost you but will hopefully help. I would be thinking along the lines of renting a cinema, outdoor obstacle course etc.

Joining and integrating in clubs takes time. Scouts are good for this though

Although you don’t have friends in the area, pre-Covid, did you invite friends from further afield for coffee/dinner or did you go away camping with friends? Friendships are organic but if your children haven’t seen you with your friends, it must be harder. Are you happy to have you heir schoolmates drop by and hang out (and eat you out of house and home?) children congregate in houses where they’re welcome. If you’re not used to having friends pop round, you’re maybe unconsciously putting up barriers.

I grew up an only child in a rural area. The only time I had playmates was at church activities.
I moved into a (very small) town to expand my children's activities, but the faith-based church they attended drew pupils from a large area so there were no local playmates.
To help them socialize, I saved and sent them to summer boarding camps for two-three weeks every summer. DD1 went to dance camp, DD2 went to horse camp and DS went to space camp and then to computer camp. Instead of trips to Europe, they got to interact with kids who shared their same interests. If you are happy with your life, then maybe you could give them the chance at a wider life.

Thanks everyone for your sharing your thoughts. Up until Covid i put them into camps and visited friends with kids and we generally managed. Since last March however all that has stopped and they have also got that bit older and so these options aren't available

OP it sounds like it’s a covid problem then rather than a ‘you’ problem.

Covid has made many of us feel lonely and particularly on behalf of our children.

Estate life is invariably better for kids between the ages of 5 and 12 (before and after they are either too young or old to play on the street)

I have one DC still in that age bracket and I often lament the fact that I didn’t buy in a cul de sac and never more so in the past year. However I know that in a couple of years I will be happy where I live and the DC will be out and about with their pals.

So if this is temporary then just think of it as a difficult phase and once allowed get them back into groups, clubs and sports and they will have the company they need