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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not ask or intervene with secondary kids homework?

22 replies

Marvellousmrsbagel · 28/03/2021 22:20

Do you remind your seconday school aged kids about homework, monitor it, or insist they do it? I have one yr 7 and one yr 11. The yr 7 is irritated by my 'nagging' and the yr 11 just fobs me off and deflects when asked. AIBU to stop bothering and let them mess up. It scares me as one is obviously GCSE year, but I've had enough!

OP posts:

lazylinguist · 28/03/2021 22:31

I think there's a happy medium. I ask my dc if they've got any homework, and maybe remind them on a Sunday if I know they have stuff to do, but I don't monitor it or get involved unless they ask for help. I have a ds in yr8 and a dd in yr11.

I decided when dd started secondary that I would not be a homework micro-manager, because if you start out that way you'll end up still having to stand over them when they're doing their GCSEs. They have to learn to face the consequences at school if they skip a homework. If I felt dd yr 11 really wasn't doing enough, I'd step in, but she's learned to be independent.

crazycrofter · 28/03/2021 22:31

I rel

crazycrofter · 28/03/2021 22:34

Sorry, posted by accident. I really don’t know as I have one of each. Dd is now year 12 but I’ve never checked whether she has homework or nagged. Ds is year 10 and ADHD and struggles to think ahead or organise himself. Plus he’s lazy. I check his homework app every day and nag... probably not ideal but he gets in trouble enough as it is!

SnackSizeRaisin · 28/03/2021 22:38

I think it's probably quite annoying and demotivating to be nagged or reminded about it. It would suggest they are lazy or forgetful or incompetent and take away their independence. But I would definitely get involved if they were regularly not doing it or were getting bad marks. Can you approach somewhat differently, by assuming they will do a good job on it? And support them in that if they need or want it? Your post doesn't really say whether there is a problem or whether you just feel you ought to be checking up on it...

Noodle765 · 28/03/2021 22:39

I was looking forward to not having to monitor my Yr5 DC as they get older, but then I came across the data that the main factor that determines a child's success in GCSE/A levels, (more than whether they are in state/private education), is parental involvement, so I don't know...!

Robintakeover · 28/03/2021 22:45

I have a yr7 who I’m still helping manage his homework - he does the actual work without help but gets a bit overwhelmed by the quantity. He needs less input now than he did in September . I see it as helping him learn time management and organisational skills . I don’t imagine I’ll be doing it in 12 months at all.

moochingtothepub · 28/03/2021 22:47

I asked if they had homework, and if they needed help shortly after they got it. After dinner I asked if it had been done, if not that meant no tv/computer until it was but rarely was that the case

Tangledtresses · 28/03/2021 23:00

Hmm I stopped that a few years ago ds is 16

Mainly because when I helped him revise in year 9 I hardly knew what the Hell they were talking about 😬
He ended up explaining it to me, I did think wow you are quite clever 😀😀😀

Mum I know what I'm doing

So I'd ask, and ask the level of support They need.... and then do that within reason!

Original poster

Marvellousmrsbagel · 28/03/2021 23:03

It's a problem in that often both leave everything until the last minute and end up staying up late to complete it if they aren't reminded. Sometimes the yr 11 just doesn't bother doing it. It depends how much shit he feels he'll get in with us/sch. Coursework is normally done on time, for example.
It's of an ok quality, although I know they could do better. I don't usually comment on that though.
I go between intervention and leaving them to it.

OP posts:

Feelingconfused2020 · 28/03/2021 23:07

It depends on the childrens' educational background i.e. are they generally well behaved with a good homework record? I would step back if you have no cause for concern. If the school have let you know they are not doing homework then that's different. Checking whether a year 11 who has always worked hard has done homework is a bit overbearing imo.

Feelingconfused2020 · 28/03/2021 23:08

Sorry I cross posted. I think learning not to leave things until the last minute is a life skill which won't be learnt of you always do the thinking and planning for them.

You could sit with them and help them make a plan to manage their workload but then encourage them to manage it themselves. That's a compromise maybe?

Doyoumindfisithere · 28/03/2021 23:11

We had a policy that there was only one rule in secondary - you didn't leave it to the last day. This was to prevent last minute dramas over printing/paper/whatever. Other than that they did whatever they wanted, we never asked, never intervened, never checked.

Never had any issues (so far - they are not all finished yet and I don't want to count chickens).

mikejardine · 28/03/2021 23:15

I don't mention it at all, never have. If they weren't doing it then i would find out soon enough. I have always tried never to remind about stuff that is down to them, even when they were little. The trouble with reminding is subconsciously they don't think they have to remember for themselves. So i've never done the whole checklist on the way out the door (have you got this and that etc etc) One of mine especially was scatty and it took a while but he got there in the end after a few missing pe kits and lunches etc

tulippa · 28/03/2021 23:15

I have a y7 and y11 too. We're lucky that DD y11 is pretty self motivated so doesn't really need reminding about anything. We'll help her with her revision timetable eg if she's planned four hours of work without a break or loads of one subject together instead of splitting them up but that's about it.
We got DS y7 into a routine quite early on of doing homework as soon as he gets home. He doesn't seem to get that much right now. I don't check the standard of it though. We have had to have a discussion about the importance of revising for tests.

NotMyPremium · 28/03/2021 23:21

I ask if they have homework, and that's it. I get a weekly email about whether the Maths one has been done and if it hasn't, tell him it needs doing. But other than that, nope. They need to learn to take responsibility and consequences once they are at secondary school. I think DS had a couple of no homework detentions and that made him learn to get it done as he doesn't like detention.

I'm on a Facebook group for parents of DS's year group and my god the micromanaging is just ridiculous! How these kids will ever learn to be independant I don't know.

MixedUpFiles · 28/03/2021 23:27

It’s a parents job to help teach teens the skills necessary to manage their workload. It’s not something that comes naturally for everyone. So yes, I think you should be checking in with them regularly.

whiteroseredrose · 28/03/2021 23:29

I've never nagged either of my DC but I think I'm just lucky that they never needed it.

For me, parental involvement has been marking past papers and testing them before exams.

AlwaysLatte · 28/03/2021 23:31

I do check daily with DS13 that he's doing the work, but not in a nagging way - I just ask him if it's all on track and sit with him and help if he wants it. He's pretty good about doing it himself though and we have an app that we also check daily - any overdue homework is flagged up on it. DS10 is another matter - we have to sit with him and guide him through it. He's bright but doesn't get engaged with homework by himself.

Original poster

Marvellousmrsbagel · 28/03/2021 23:45

I can see on the google classroom that yr7 DC has one hw due on tues, so not yoo bad currently. Yr 11 has one due tues and 3 on Wed. I can also see he's missed two last week. I don't know how to get through that he needs to keep up. We used to take ps4/phone away in this situation, but I just feel he's too old for that and needs to bloody manage it himself. I have already mentioned he needs to get stuff done if he has any 3 times this weekend. He never seems to get detentions.

OP posts:

CoRhona · 29/03/2021 01:04

But you can't make him realise that, and if the school aren't giving out detentions there's not a lot you can do.

Imo it does the well behaved ones good to get a detention - even 10 minutes - if they don't do work as it shows them a) others aren't getting away with it and b) there are consequences.

Crazycakelady17 · 29/03/2021 01:13

I think it’s a hard one and depends on your DCS temperament,
Ds1 is 19 at uni first year I haven’t reminded or had to watch over any homework since he was in y 6 he got mainly 8s and 9s in Gcse and A*s in Alevels he’s always been motivated and very self sufficient, ds2 is a lazy sod he’s at college now first year he’s a very young 16 year old and he needs cajoling to get things done and I will for as long as it’s needed,
DD y6 I obviously oversee her homework and check her reading record/spellings and log ins but it’s always done and I think she’s going to be more like DS1 but I will help her to navigate y7 to ensure she can time manage etc

FlyingByTheSeatof · 29/03/2021 01:18

I used to chase them up on their homework, received a few emails / phone calls from School if homework hadn't been completed etc and now they just get on and do it thankfully as the School does enforce consequences quite swiftly and I hated getting the emails and phone calls.

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