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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sons hair

39 replies

Anonmummyoftwo · 28/03/2021 20:43

My sons 7 his dads only recently came into his life after deciding when I was pregnant he didn’t want to have a child. It’s been 6 weeks and I’m the last 3 the agreement is he collects my son and takes him to his family’s home for 2 hours a week, that’s all he asked and he brings him home bed the 2 hours. He lives 10 minutes walking distance away. Before Covid I got my sons hair cut every 4 weeks so iv been keeping on top of it myself every few weeks going over it. His hairs short but still some length. His father had him today and before her left made a comment about my sons hair and I said yeah il give it a trim tonight before his bath. My ex has a shaven head and he said about shaving my sons which I said no to and even text him after and said I’m serious don’t touch his hair and he responded with fine. Well iv just put my son to bed upset because his father took a razor and shaved my child’s hair all off! A razor not even a pair of scissors or shears. When he was dropping my son off he left at the end of the street and walked away couldn’t even face me. My sons begged not to be sent to school this week and he’s only in till Tuesday so im keeping him off. Iv text my ex and said Wdf and a few other choice words and he just said I didn’t think you would mind. My son said he didn’t want to do it but his dad shouted at him and scared him. So here’s my aibu would I be unreasonable if I say for the next while ex is to see my son in my home till he can be a bit of a adult and not do things to spite me. I’d leave the house for a while to give them space. My son said he doesn’t want to go back down yet. His gran my ex’s mum told him off for being upset and said it’s only hair. Yes hair grows back but it’s the fact my sons upset and I told them not to do it.

OP posts:

RedactedTaeFeck · 28/03/2021 20:47

Does your son want to see his Dad again? Yes, it's only hair and it grows back, but he didn't want it cut and was bullied into it.

Wishitsnows · 28/03/2021 20:49

Do not force your son to see him again, poor kid

picklemewalnuts · 28/03/2021 20:50

Your son doesn't have to see his dad unless he wants to. I don't see why you'd facilitate it, to be honest.

What does knowing this man and the extended family offer? They have bullied and belittled him.

I'd reduce contact until he's a bit older and able to hold his own a bit better.

GoryGilmore · 28/03/2021 20:52

So after not bothering with your son for the first seven years of his life, he finally reappears and then abuses your son by cutting his hair against his will? Like fuck would I be accommodating him seeing my son under any circumstances. Hope you didn’t put him on the birth certificate!

Chocolatefordinner · 28/03/2021 20:52

Wow you are definitely not being unreasonable, what a bastard.

Hope you and your son are ok. I’m fuming on your behalf .

Warrickdaviesasplates · 28/03/2021 20:52

Your son didn't want his hair cut and his dad forced it on him then his dads mum dismissed his feelings about it. I'd be livid! I think I'd insist on supervised contact only until he can be trusted to listen to his son.

Also, my primary school definitely had rules against shaved head hairstyles, do you know the schools hair cut policy?

Basically it's not your EX's hair, not his place to cut it especially as your son said no. Read him the riot act and ask your son (in a couple of days once he's calmed down) what he wants to do re: contact and back him up on it.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/03/2021 20:54

That is awful! Your poor son. I would wait until your son actually wants to see his dad again and then let them have some contact at yours until your ex can prove he is not a total knob! Hope your wee guy isnt too upset.

wombatspoopcubes · 28/03/2021 20:55

So his dad is basically a stranger who shouts at him and bullies him? Please cut this man out of your lives.

BobGalaxy · 28/03/2021 20:55

Wow, his dad has been in his life for 6 weeks and he shouted at him and shaved his hair off against his will. That is awful He doesn't need a dad like that in his life. He sounds like he will do more harm than good.

Flowerlane · 28/03/2021 21:02

After never being in his life before I don’t think he should be having him on his own, time should be built up gradually.

I would not be letting my child go again. If the ‘dad’ is serious about contact he can through the correct channels.

Blublubblubbing · 28/03/2021 21:02

I'm very surprised that the dad was back in your life only 3 weeks before you agreed to him taking him to his house for visits without you. He is a stranger to him. Poor child! I wouldn't be letting him see him again, what a wanker

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/03/2021 21:24

If he is not on the birth certificate cut him totally out of your lives.
If he is, no visitation until he goes to court -- and file for child maintenance if he does go.
Check with the school regarding haircuts that are approved. Take pictures of your son now to show the court. Just in case.
Who knows what this bully would do next - circumcision?

Original poster

Anonmummyoftwo · 28/03/2021 21:57

Thanks everyone iv had a chat with my son and he did say he wants to cool down seeing his dad for a few weeks and iv said that’s his choice. Iv text ex and said ds has said he’s not comfortable coming over again for a while and said it’s because of what happened and how his family handled it. He’s wrote back fine whatever and said iv spoiled my son to much and to let him know if he wants to see him again. Don’t think contact will be resumed any time soon. Have no fear ex will take me to court because he won’t want to pay a penny. Only reason I even agreed to the time alone was ex had told my son he had a ps5 and my son wanted to play it. Think all he got was to watch ex on it in the end up

OP posts:

PurpleMustang · 28/03/2021 22:06

Only saving grace is he and his family have quickly shown to be bullying arseholes. And your son has seen you to protect him. And no, don't even let him to come see the boy at your house. No doubt he'll be snooping around

SquirtleSquad · 28/03/2021 22:13

What a vile man. In a weird way it might make it easier for you in the long run that your son has seen what he's like and made a decision himself to step away from the relationship which should avoid future questions or false impressions you'd kept him from him or whatever else, but no child should be made to feel that way.

Happycat1212 · 28/03/2021 22:20

I’m also surprised that you handed your son over to a man that had been absent so long! Practically straight away, my ex was absent for a few years and I insisted he came to my house to see the kids for the first 6 months. That really wasn’t the best idea.

LittleOwl153 · 28/03/2021 22:24

I would let school know what happened - just so there's a record if he does get tricky.
What a bustard.

Wurrg · 28/03/2021 22:26

Why on earth would you let your son spend time with a stranger like this? This is nuts.

orpah · 28/03/2021 23:26

I have to wonder why on earth you allowed your ex, a total stranger to your son, to take him in the first place. Of course a young child will be excited about a new console but you’re his mother, the only parent he’s ever known, it’s your job to protect him from situations like the one he ended up in

Original poster

Anonmummyoftwo · 29/03/2021 07:54

@orpah

I feel so guilty right now but for the few weeks they only sat in my sitting room and me in the kitchen they got on well my ex was being so nice to my son and honestly I thought he had changed and matured over the years. I was clearly wrong and my son suffered because of it and I can’t forgive myself. Iv woke to messages off my ex saying he’s calling social services on me for keeping his son away so at 9 il be ringing myself and letting social know what happened. I’m ringing to the school to explain why my son won’t be in the next few days as well

OP posts:

Silverstreaks · 29/03/2021 08:25

What a horror this man sounds. Doesn't get his own way so threatens SS .
Make school aware.
Go back to living your life without him in it. You've seen him for what he is.

mildlymiffed · 29/03/2021 08:32

@Anonmummyoftwo ignore anyone on here trying to say why did you let him go round to his house....
A) you had no idea he was going to shave your sons head- and that is his fault not yours.
B) if you had withheld access others on here would pile on and tell you that your son has the right to a relationship with his father.

Don't feel guilty, this isn't your fault. It's the dads fault for being such an absent twat, and then being a bullying Twat and shaving your sons head.

He's proved himself as an bully, and I'd Lee him very much at arms length.

But just to iterate, none of this is your fault.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 29/03/2021 08:44

Shaved him bald with a razor? Who the fuck does that! Take photos, OP.

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/03/2021 08:52

He's been absent for 7 years then has the absolute fucking cheek to say you have spoiled your DS! He has absolutely no fucking right to comment on anyone's parenting!

I hope your son feels a bit calmer. Yes hair grows back but, having had my head shaved numerous time, it can be itchy growing back in so be prepared for that.

Do not let this man anywhere near him again and I hope social services and school are helpful.

RizzleRazzle · 29/03/2021 08:57

I wouldn't have let DS go off alone with someone who had been absent for 7 years and the fact that he then bullied him, shouted at him and scared him means he certainly wouldn't be seeing him again.

He doesn't get to avoid parental responsibility for 7 years then come back and bully him. He sounds disgusting.

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