I'm fucking struggling too - depression

[Pleasebe2022]

I'm angry and I know I'm being unreasonable.

Me and husband separating. 2 kids both under 7. Im staying in family home. He wants to buy but I need to buy him out and I've started trying to sort that with the bank but its taking a while. We agreed finances and access to kids - after many discussions. I struggled to have them having loads of ivf and dont want to miss any time with them.

Husband has had depression for about 2 years. He seemed really happy when we decided to separate and he was researching houses for sale and making plans and we both felt a weight was lifted that we made the decision.

Since then his depression has spiraled. Hes so angry with me and I'm the baddie in everything. He screams at the kids all the time and after an incident yesterday where he accidentally trapped kids fingers in door he now cries all the time, has gone out to his office and says he cant interact with us at all and hes going to leave and rent as soon as he can sort it out.

I wanted to be the main carer for the kids but I work full time in a very senior role and the pressure there is immense and I'm really stressed as I always feel behind. I'm now in sole charge of the kids whilst he has a breakdown. I've offered him to stay or go or whatever he needs to get well and he appreciates that.

But for fucks sake. I'm really struggling too. On the verge of a massive panic attack constantly as I'm falling apart. My health is terrible as I have a long term condition that's not responded to treatment. I'm drowning but I'm not as far under water as my husband so i have to cope. I havent seen friends to talk to, it's all over messenger which isnt the same. My parents will help with kids but they dont do emotional stuff.

AIBU to be angry?

Of course you are not being unreasonable and I'm sure wiser women will be along soon. But my first priorities would be:

Is he a danger to your DC?

Is he a danger to himself?

Is he receiving any professional support?

Are you?

I honestly don't mean to put you at the bottom of the list, but in terms of medical priorities I think you need to take emotion out of it.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. Have you tried yelling back at him (when the kids aren't around) that you are struggling too and he's a selfish arse and needs to pull his finger out?

I'd say take as much advantage as you can of your parents helping with the DC. You need support wherever it comes from.

Can you take some time off work? Sick leave or compassionate leave?

It sounds awful, and you must feel so lonely. I've felt the same. My husband was honest about not being able to offer emotional support. That left me high and dry and unsure where to turn, but ultimately I learned how to support myself.

I'd suggest stop anything you do at the moment which is about helping or supporting him. Concentrate on helping yourself. Tell him to sort himself out and learn how to behave in front of his children.

OP, divorce is one of the most stressful life experiences, and it is not surprising that you are all over the place emotionally at the moment.
I think just cutting yourself some slack, and accepting your own feelings of rage, anxiety, resentment and exhaustion, would be a start. You are normal to feel this way. You have not “failed to cope” or whatever.
Things will be shit for a while yet, until the separation is complete and you have settled into your new routine. Try to find a safe outlet for your feelings - ranting to us on MN, going for a furious stamp round the park, speaking to supportive friends, etc, and also try to squeeze in a bit of “me time” however short - maybe curl up with a glass of wine and a nice film or book after the DC are in bed, or have a long pampering soak in the bath, anything that will help to relax you.
And focus on the future. Tell yourself this will pass - because it will, faster than you imagine. Your DC will grow more independent and be better company for you, lockdown will end, life will begin to improve.
You just need a hand hold in the short term.
I was widowed 30 years ago with two DC still in nappies and had to raise them alone while working full time, so I do understand the pressure and tiredness, and emotional lability. But you will come through this. And your DC will appreciate everything you are doing for them, when they are grown up.
Sending a hug, OP, and my prayers that you find the strength to keep plugging on through this until you reach serenity and a happier future. God bless.

thank you so much for your kind words everyone.
In answer to the questions he has had a counsellor for nearly a year, hes's on ADs which he has recently increased the dose of, hes talked to the GP in the last 2 weeks to increase the ADs. I dont know if hes a danger to himself. I dont trust him with the kids. Not that he would hurt them but he shouts and maybe an accident will happen like the other night They wind him up badly.

Im always working weekends to catch up at work but i didnt last weekend. I have my parents here this week so im goign to try and work fast and get caught up. i have next week off and it would be lovely if i didnt have to work from friday bank holiday to catch up. Ive got lots planned for next week with meeting friends outside so that should help.

I dont know when he plans to go. ive agreed to give him some money as hes going to rent whilst he waits for me to buy him out. so ill sort that today. it doesnt matter when i have my parents here. its when its just me and the kids it will hit.

i havent told my parents as i think they will upset me more as they are not good at emotions.

i still feel like im about to explode and cry and panic all at the same time. hopefully i will feel better by Friday when im up to date with work and have some time off to look forward to.

thanks again everyone. i know there's no magic answer and i know it will get better, i just have to get through it.

Do you have some friends you can vent to/rant at in real life? If can really help sometimes. Sorry you are going through all this and it does sound very stressful.

Can you afford to employ a nanny/housekeeper? Preferably live in, if you have a senior role this shouldn’t be a problem. Then look at boarding school for your kids, senior roles and single parenting don’t work unless you can pay for support. Good luck OP.

Oh that sounds really tough for you OP I hope you get support and soon take care of yourself 💐

thanks again everyone. Im waiting for husband to tell me when he is going. We haven't interacted the last few days. I finish work today for the week so hopefully that will help although i still feel panicky and sick. My chronic condition is flaring again which isnt helping.

Ive asked my parents to help more in June and they are unsure because they have stayed away when the kids are in school because of the covid risk. I cant tell them my husband will have left by then and thats why im asking for help. I dont want them to feel unsafe and my dad is frail and may do badly with covid.

I was hoping for a permanent contract at work last week but it didnt happen. I am contracting and the stability of permanent would be good. I have been promised it but it would be good to get it finalised.

Thanks so much for your help. I have meetings with friends most days next week and im hoping ill feel happier after that. I know divorce is so sad and stressful and add in depression and kids and it feels impossible. One step at a time.
Thanks again

Oh and the answer is i cant afford a nanny etc. Sadly another complication is the kids are at independent school (his choice) and thats probably going to have to change but it means theres no spare cash.

Happy Easter.

A weight will be lifted from your shoulders once he leaves.
His depression will have a huge impact on your life causing mental exhaustion.
If the DC need a change of school they'll be fine.
I'm wondering could you employ a student lodger willing to help with childcare for reduced rent? If it is legal.

my daughter has quite severe dyslexia and we finally found a great school that can help her so im hesitant to move her. I am thinking state school for secondary once she has a handle on the dyselxia.

its a good idea to get a lodger in and definitely something im considering. I thought it would be good company too as i feel very lonely at the moment. even though im surrounded by the kids all the time im still lonely.

i want to stay in this house as i want stability for the kids but i really feel the need for a total change and want to move. i need to downsize really but i want a new place that feels like mine. Is that normal? I guess i feel totally unsettled and dont want to do anything rash. I love where i live but need a change.

You will start to feel better once he has moved out. That interim bit once you have decided to separate but are trying to live together is hell on earth. Your emotions are normal. Talk to friends if you can, it will help. Hang in there.

Thankyou. Hes still in bed whilst I'm trying to creep round him to get kids sorted and out for an Easter event. I could cry.

Things will get better. They have to. I just want him to go. I'll ask him later when that will be.