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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why people say stuff like this?

22 replies

Cheeseandlobster · 28/03/2021 12:57

I had coffee with an old school friend this week. When we were at school my dad drove a 1965 car which even then in the 90's was a classic car. She said to me "Oh we all used to laugh at your dad's car at school. Little did we know it was a classic car"

And then on Friday I made a risotto for dinner which I haven't made in ages and which contains among other things, fresh mint. It reminded me of the time I made it for another group of friends at my house and later one of them said " That was so lovely. When you said what you were making we were all saying that we wouldnt like it and we would have to hide it in our handbags but it was actually really nice"

Maybe I am being oversensitive and people are allowed to talk about what they want. But the thought of people laughing or saying negative things behind my back makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't really get the point of either of them telling me. They are both lovely women so I am certain it wasnt done with malice but aibu to not like it?

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 28/03/2021 13:02

Some people are just thoughtless, or don’t appreciate others have different levels of sensitivity. They struggle to imagine how it would feel to hear the things they’re saying- or fail to realise you won’t know their intentions behind what they’re saying.

Those comments wouldn’t bother me at all- but they have upset you. If I were you I would try and hold it in the context above and focus on what your friends do bring to your life, and consider how you yourself might not always get it right, so try not to hold it against them.

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 28/03/2021 13:05

@Scarydinosaurs that is actually a very wise and kind response. Especially for aibu. Thank you

After I posted I was expecting the first post to be " Get over yourself. People can say what they like"

OP posts:

MarieDelaere · 28/03/2021 13:11

And another way of dealing with it is to depersonalise it.

They weren't talking about you - they were talking about (a) a car, and (b) a risotto.

And then shrug. Practise shrugging!

Sleepingdogs12 · 28/03/2021 13:14

I think this probably means they feel so comfortable with you they don't think through what they are saying properly. They sort of familiarity is special. We all say things abit clumsily at times, sounds like they just overstepped a bit.

user1494055864 · 28/03/2021 13:22

Some people just genuinely have no filter !! It's a brain fault !! Lol

Ponoka7 · 28/03/2021 13:28

Part of it is feeling embarrassed for wrongly judging the situation and sharing it negatively. They are sharing it again to absolve themselves, a bit like a confession. We've all got different personalities, this is just part of theirs.

BoyTree · 28/03/2021 13:30

With friends and people that you know to be generally lovely, I think you do have to assume that they probably have good intentions. I am sometimes guilty of over-editing what's in my head so that what comes out has no context or misses some of the nuance that my actual thoughts contained.

So, your friend was probably reminiscing about school in advance of seeing you and focussing on her memories of you and your friendship group at the time, enjoying looking back at the silliness of school children and how their world-view is the only one that counts and it's only later that you realise how blinkered and daft you were.

If you had been having that conversation, her comment would make more sense and be less about the 'laughing at you' and more about 'what were we like' which is probably how she intended it.

Similarly, the risotto conversation was probably more about 'what if we don't like this unfamiliar dish, we'll feel awful and have to do x to avoid hurting Cheeseandlobster's feelings' which must have seemed silly in retrospect and her relief at not being in an awkward situation spurred her on to tell you.

I wish I could take my own advice, as I'm sure I'd feel like you in your shoes, but I am trying to be more open-minded about other people and realise that they don't spend as much time thinking ill of me as my insecurities would have me believe!

canigooutyet · 28/03/2021 13:32

My brain has no filter at times and it really screws me over at times.
People know me enough to know it's not meant maliciously. Only you know these people. If it's only happened a few times is different to constant digs, which if it is then dump them.

DPotter · 28/03/2021 13:34

Try re-framing the comments.

for example the one about the risotto - at the time your friends didn't want to upset you either by asking you not to make it, or leaving it on their plates, so they decided they would hide the food. Years later your friend felt it ok to sharing, as everything worked out fine.

For the car one, your friend was owning up to be ignorant and unkind. Her comment to you was recognising this.

rawlikesushi · 28/03/2021 13:36

The car one wouldn't upset me. She was telling you that, as a kid, she thought the car was funny - but now knows that it was a fabulous, classic vehicle. Weren't most of us a bit daft as kids?

The risotto one is a bit insensitive, because it's more recent.

canigooutyet · 28/03/2021 13:37

And the car comment, honestly I would have been laughing along and end up talking about other daft shit we thought back then

BramStoker · 28/03/2021 13:38

I can imagine myself saying those things to a friend in a clumsy attempt to be funny

I'm sure neither friend was trying to upset you OP

Biffbaff · 28/03/2021 13:39

They sound bitchy. There's no need to share the negative part of the sentence. The compliment alone should be enough. It's like they do down their own compliment by adding the insult.

Bluntness100 · 28/03/2021 13:44

I think they sound really nice, they have both owned their errors, one made as a child about the car and one made about a dish they didn’t like the sound of but they have complimented you on.

Yamashita40 · 28/03/2021 13:49

I totally get this and don't understand why someone would say either of those things to you.

Someone said to me the other day 'oh some and so gave the Christmas present you gave her away because she does drink alcohol or eat chocolate'.

Background was I'd been saddled with the job of buying Christmas presents for about ten people from an office collection. This person I had only met a handful of times and although I'd asked, no one had a clue what to get her. So I thought Baileys, Hotel Chocolat stuff and flowers were a good bet.

HowLongTo2022 · 28/03/2021 13:51

It does depend on whether something is a one off “ouchy-vibe” in an otherwise lovely friendship of you’ve suddenly realised you feel this was a lot when you are around them.
The other side to it is: do you give them feedback in the moment that they’ve upset you a bit? I don’t mean attack them or anything but a gentle “oh, well I don’t know how to feel about that!” “Oh, well I don’t know what to say back to that” etc will give them the feedback that will stop them in the future if they didn’t mean to hurt you at all.

Original poster

Cheeseandlobster · 28/03/2021 14:41

I think de-personalising is a good thing. I struggle with doing this.

I didnt give feedback at the time but I did feel a bit hurt at the thought of numerous people laughing at my dads car or my friends saying negative things while I was in the kitchen making them a nice dinner and I had topped up their glasses and put out olives etc. Then again I am surprised my school friends even saw the car to be fair as my dad preferred his kids to get wet than his car though thats a whole different thread

OP posts:

ShallIAskHer · 28/03/2021 14:53

In my experience, it generally means one of two things ...

A) Some people are just ... tactless. In fact, one of my favourite friends is like this. He will blurt out stuff that probably offends half the room (including myself at times). But he's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet and cares deeply about the people who mean anything to him at all. My personal suspicion (though I can't prove it and - I'm not like him and hence wouldn't ask): some sort of a minor-impact version of ASD. He just really doesn't even GET that anyone might think it's offensive.

B) they feel utterly at ease with you. This is something I do, too. I've said rather horrible things to people whom I deeply trust and think the world of - and they have to me! It's never gone wrong so far for me - but: by definition, if you're going to have that level of a relationship with someone, somebody will have to initiate. It's just like dating in that respect. And, again, just as in dating, you'll accept a risk of the other person being, like: "yeah, look, I DID say I liked you, too, but I didn't mean to take this to the next level ... "

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 28/03/2021 14:57

The car thing wouldn't have bothered me as they were kids and it was about your dads car, not about you or even him.

I would feel the same as you about the risotto, not what she actually said but the fact that you were cooking them a meal and they were discussing how bad it was going to be! I think that to me it just feels a bit off...if I'm invited to someones home for a meal that they're cooking, there is no way I'd be discussing with other guests about how horrible I thought it was going to be. If I privately thought it sounded or smelt awful before I ate it, I'd just keep it to myself to be honest, as it's a bit rude otherwise. So I'd be a bit upset. If it's not something that they would have said to your face then it's a bit off to discuss it when you're out of earshot in my opinion

theteachesofpeaches · 28/03/2021 15:06

Agree with Bluntness

Those comments are your friends almost laughing at themselves, and their mistakes.

The first one was basically saying how ignorant and immature her teen self was for laughing at the old car and not realising it was "classic".

The second one was laughing at their assumptions about your risotto which were wrong- and I'm getting that they based this on the ingredients rather than your cooking skills, possibly betraying they have simpler tastes in food than you!

JustSleepAlready · 28/03/2021 15:19

Bump. But there’s some awesome advice on here. First and second responses were spot on I think!

celiafforcandle · 29/03/2021 11:37

The risotto remark was uncalled for.
The car though, just let me share: My Father inherited his Fathers Rover cyclops, it had a spotlight in centre of radiator. Ugh!

But at least it was better than the Riley!!
What was the car in question?

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