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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overbearing MIL?

27 replies

Melz87 · 28/03/2021 08:25

Is it usual for a MIL to keep pushing for your 5/6 old baby to sleep in their room and act like the baby 'belongs' to her during a visit? During her 3 week visit to meet her first grandchild, my usually very sweet MIL kept asking me if he could sleep in her room. At this point my son was still in his bassinet next to my bed, breastfeeding during the night. She's very experienced with babies yes and, but as a new mother - after declining politely the first time, I felt quite violated that she kept asking - at one point even saying "Why not, does that mean I'll never get to sleep with him?" It didn't help that during the whole 3 week visit she wanted to do absolute EVERYTHING, literally RUNNING to his crib before anyone else could even say they would like a turn. I appreciated her help and was more than supportive about her spending as much time with her new grandson as possible (I literally put him down for 2 naps the whole visit because she wanted to) but isn't it a bit extreme if during the course of a 12 hour day she couldn't even handle me playing or cuddling with him for more than 10 minutes before trying to take him? She seemed to think the only time I should have with him was when I was feeding him for a few minutes every couple of hours. I can't help but feel extremely anxious about her next visit. I'm more than happy for her to spend lots of time bonding with him while I get a moment to relax but surely there should be some limits - especially during a long 3 week visit. I feel that it should have been more of a team - effort approach rather than "the baby is mine during my trip" approach 🤔 To be honest, I think I feel a little traumatized - literally feel like it went from being with and enjoying my baby all the time to having him being taken away from me for 3 long weeks. I think I gave her plenty of space to be a Grandma but she didn't want to give me any space to be a Mama. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Merryhobnobs · 28/03/2021 08:27

Okay so I have a tricky relationship with my mum (in the opposite way really) so I would say you have to accept she won't change so it is up to you to decide how things are going to go. You decide what is enough, you take your baby. You smile politely but just do what you need to do!

Lazydaisydaydream · 28/03/2021 08:29

You’re not overreacting. I would absolutely hate that. When my sister had her kids my mum and dad would go and stay for a few weeks straight away after they were born and do this - just take over and my sister said afterwards it felt like she missed a chance to bond with the babies and said she feels like she barely saw them as newborns! It also caused issues with her breastfeeding as she wasn’t able to respond to baby cues in the same way and ended up having to get support later to increase her supply.

So when I had my two I did not invite my parents to stay. They visited for short periods and me and my husband had plenty of time to learn how to be parents without them hovering over us.

How does your OH feel about this? Have you spoken to him about how you feel? As it’s his parents I would be expecting him to be the one to step in and draw the line here.

LolaSmiles · 28/03/2021 08:31

YANBU
Is she normally respectful of boundaries? If she is then you could probably chalk this recent visit up to her being excited as it's her first grandchild, and then you and DH agree some approaches should you need them next time.

If she's always overbearing and lacking in boundaries, then you and DH need to agree together some boundaries and then be 100% on the same page with them. That way you're both saying the same thing like "Not now MIL/DM, baby needs some time with me/Melz", "baby is sleeping in our room and it isn't up for discussion".

Knitterbabe · 28/03/2021 08:32

Three weeks is a long visit; does she live in a different country, or a long way away? She was maybe thinking this was her only chance to have contact with the baby while it was small.

weltenbummler · 28/03/2021 08:33

YANBU . What does your DH think? You should jointly set some boundaries. Lovely that she is so involved and hands on but you need to find a middle ground. What was motivation for her to want baby sleeping in her room? To give you some much needed sleep or to somehow have baby "all to herself "?

soditall56 · 28/03/2021 08:36

YANBU. It's so important that your LO has you there for the cuddles and bonding during your early days of being a mama. Especially when BF and for another woman (MIL) not to understand this is bonkers.

I had a similar situation with my MIL when she first came to visit. Normally I would just sit and let things happen to keep everyone else happy even though I wasn't happy but my maternal instinct kicked in and I stood up for myself and made it clear that I wasn't happy about the situation.

Don't even be afraid to say when your not comfortable with something that involves your DC

soditall56 · 28/03/2021 08:38

@Lazydaisydaydream

So when I had my two I did not invite my parents to stay. They visited for short periods and me and my husband had plenty of time to learn how to be parents without them hovering over us.

How does your OH feel about this? Have you spoken to him about how you feel? As it’s his parents I would be expecting him to be the one to step in and draw the line here.

This ^^

ChampionOfTheSun · 28/03/2021 08:39

Absolutely not being unreasonable, you've just had a baby and you're facilitating her bonding with the baby possibly at the expense of your own bond with the baby. It's such early days still and you're rightly entitled to want to be with your baby, and I would have been in bits if I was in your situation, I genuinely don't know how you've done it. Something needs to be said, and ideally not by you, but your partner, but if your partner won't say anything, you definitely need to speak up. You've been much more accommodating than most would be and I personally think if someone's coming to stay after a baby has been born they should be there to support and help you, facilitate you getting used to parenthood, rather than completely taking over. I'm sorry for your experience

Ps. My baby is 14mo and has never stayed out/with anyone else at night, I would have (and did) cry at the suggestion back in the early days!

FelicityPike · 28/03/2021 08:41

Did you or your partner ever tell her “no”?
Why did you let her away with taking over?

Hottesttrikeintown · 28/03/2021 08:42

Overnight is too much. I would have killed for all the help at 5 months though.

Having said that it’s your baby and feelings that matter so if you’re not comfortable with it Yanbu. Could you suggest a particular job she could have that would really help you? Eg MIL is on nappy duty

Echobelly · 28/03/2021 08:43

"Why not, does that mean I'll never get to sleep with him?"

That's very odd - why should she expect to sleep with the baby? It's not some grandparental right!

Original poster

Melz87 · 28/03/2021 08:49

Thank you for the comments everyone 💕. This has been going around and around in my head for a while and to be honest, I think I should have been a little bit more firm - but of course wanted to make her happy during her first visit ( I think at a cost to myself as a new Mama to be honest). Yes, she does live overseas, which was why I was so happy to give her all that time with him. I think she could have been a little bit more sensitive to the fact that of course he and I needed a little bit of "Mama" time too thoughout the day as well. Regarding sleeping with him at night, initially I thought she asked to be helpful - and I said we were completely fine at nights - he only woke for a few minutes each time, thanks but there's no need for extra help. The fact that she kept pushing it made me feel it was more for self-interested reasons though 🤔 She's actually a lovely lady, a little unaware of boundaries which I think both myself and my DH need to be clearer on next visit.

OP posts:

PandaFluff · 28/03/2021 08:55

It's so hard when you are tired and recovering from birth though to stand firm. Your OH needs to have your back on this. Sounds like you have the right idea, start politely and then if she keeps ignoring you feel free to get mad don't feel you have to let her get away with it just because you want to be polite. Good luck! L

PandaFluff · 28/03/2021 08:57

That's a great way of putting it to her, when you feel you need "Mama Time" just say breezily ooh Mama time! And take your child. Once the balance has got back a bit you could even go ooh Nana time! So she knows you know she wants time.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/03/2021 08:59

Three weeks! Next time it's three days.

I adore my Granddaughter beyond words, I would never do any of those things. Now she is older I would offer to have her in my room, but only once. I would offer help ie do you want me to get you a drink while you feed the baby, shall I do her nappy for you, can I put any washing one or would you like me to take her for a walk so you can have a nap. This is normal. It would be a long time before your MIL visited again if I was you.

Saintflop · 28/03/2021 08:59

YANBU. Speak to your DH as he needs to have your back on this.

WhySoSensitive · 28/03/2021 09:03

Mine is the same OP.
I had mine asking if she could sleep in our bed to ‘help care overnight’ when DS was just a couple of weeks old.
It never happened but I didn’t set boundaries and it just got worse.

Now I’m just a firm ‘no, but thank you for the offer’ to pretty much every request. Including manipulative messages telling me I’m ruining her relationship by not letting her hug him during a global pandemic. 🤦🏼‍♀️

lboogy · 28/03/2021 09:03

YANBU- how bizarre to expect to sleep in the same room as a newborn. Does she live far away OP hence the 3 week visit?

I think lots of grand parents don't understand how protective new mums are over their babies and desperately need to bond. Other people encroaching no matter how well intentioned raises the anxiety level to no end.

ButIcantsitonleather · 28/03/2021 09:16

@WhySoSensitive

Mine is the same OP. I had mine asking if she could sleep in our bed to ‘help care overnight’ when DS was just a couple of weeks old. It never happened but I didn’t set boundaries and it just got worse.

In your bed?! JFC. You poor thing. I hope your partner told her to back the fuck off.

makingmammaries · 28/03/2021 09:16

You agreed to let her come for 3 weeks? Just why?

If anyone tried to take a newborn puppy from its mother overnight, they’d be accused of cruelty. So why does anyone think newborn babies are up for grabs? You’re her mother, the only one she will ever have. She’s a newborn. She should not be taken from her mother for long periods. No harm in reminding your MIL of that.

Original poster

Melz87 · 28/03/2021 09:17

Thanks again everyone, feeling a little more like I'm not a crazy possessive mother. Also just a small correction in my original post - my son was 5 months old when she came to visit. Accidentally missed the word "month". So not a newborn, absolutely would have not tolerated any baby hogging at that age! 😅

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/03/2021 09:34

I know you said she lives overseas but how far? Someone would have to live a very long way away for me to accept a three week visit. Even then I'd be suggesting they spend time elsewhere.

PandaFluff · 28/03/2021 09:46

5 months is still young enough for you to still feel protective and some of the stuff I would still say is too much for a 5 year old!!

Original poster

Melz87 · 28/03/2021 09:51

She lives quite far, a proper international flight - which I think is why I was a bit too lenient with her. It was quite tricky, I loved that she adored him and couldn't wait to spend time with him - that's how it's supposed to be. He's a very lucky boy. It was more her not seeming to understand that
I should have some sort of role too and not just sidelined for 3 weeks. 😅 Sometimes I'd literally stand up to burp him after a 5 minute feed and she'd be hovering to come and take him again 🤦‍♀️ I kept having to tell her, I need a little time with him too, but she just kept doing it. Next time, definitely firmer boundaries will be needed.

OP posts:

callmeH · 28/03/2021 14:20

As a grandmother I can't think of anything I would like less than a snuffling baby keeping me awake at night, I didn't even have my own children in the bedroom at night and we were all the better for it! Yes, I know the current 'advice' differs, this was back when parents made their own decisions!

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