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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To assume this is controlling behaviour (or not)

23 replies

TableFlowerss · 28/03/2021 00:28

A couple watching a series together, really getting in to it. Partner A doesn’t like phones on as they feel it’s couple time. Partner B likes to flick at phone, check messages etc but tries not to.

Partner A says it’s their time as a couple and they get frustrated that B sometimes checks /spends a couple of minutes on phone.

This can cause disagreements as B says A is controlling.

A said that if B wants to check phone etc that’s fine but to tell A then they can pause tv to save A from having to explain wafts going (as B isn’t paying attention) so B needs to say ‘let’s pause’ it etc then A will be fine

So yesterday after 3 episodes of Homeland B wanted to check their emails and asked A to pause it. A stated getting a bit huffy puffy and telling B that it’s their time and they could check emails/phone etc tomorrow.

B thinks A could be considered controlling and told them so., A was having none of it but B explained that they don’t have to answer to A to look at their phone. If they decide they don’t want to watch tv anymore then that’s fine. They just wanted a few minutes to check it. A insists that it’s their time together and B isn’t that fussed clearly

I mean, I see both points but what are your thoughts....

OP posts:

katy1213 · 28/03/2021 00:32

They sound a very tedious couple.

FortunesFave · 28/03/2021 00:32

Controlling.

Nobody's telling me when to look at my bloody phone!

If A doesn't like explaining the plot or pausing then they should not do it. If B misses the plot that's their problem.

Original poster

TableFlowerss · 28/03/2021 00:34

@katy1213

They sound a very tedious couple.

😂

OP posts:

stayathomer · 28/03/2021 00:35

I used to flick while we were watching tv. All the time. Dh brought it up once or twice as I'd missed something going on and he had to explain it. I said ffs I can't use the phone during the day as it's bad example to ds who we're trying to separate from his phone. Then one might im was excited about a comedy and dh didn't really want to watch it so he was checking his phone and I wanted to kill him. It's so annoying! Worst thing was he got into it and now he uses his phone more than me! (Mostly not when we're watching tv but I want to go mad when he does!' I go on for a few minutes before we put something on or when he goes out to the bathroom or the odd night I say 'I need to read a few things on my phone or I need to text x'.

FortunesFave · 28/03/2021 00:37

@stayathomer

But you've got to look at WHY you were so annoyed at him not really liking the show...couples don't have to like the same stuff! You're both individuals...why can't people enjoy things alone?

DarcyJack · 28/03/2021 00:38

How can people care about this stuff? How can A care about B looking at the phone and how can B care so much about the emails? Watch the bloody programme and stop your carping the pair of you.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 28/03/2021 00:41

Are they 12?

stayathomer · 28/03/2021 00:44

But you've got to look at WHY you were so annoyed at him not really liking the show...couples don't have to like the same stuff! You're both individuals...why can't people enjoy things alone?
Neither of us get much time at night, I write and he works and we have older children who stay up and younger ones who wake up so when we get our 2 or 3 nights together it's more that it's nice to share it. I'm not mad at him not liking it, it was more that he didn't say maybe watch it on your own. I'd rather be on my own in the room then looking at someone to share a laugh and they're laughing at tik tok!!!

ivfbeenbusy · 28/03/2021 00:48

Person A is NOT controlling? Presumably A is a man and you are looking for the MN rabble to label him as an abusive bastard?

Person B Checking emails/messing with phone is ignorant and rude if it's during agreed "couple time" especially if they then annoyingly want a recap for what they've missed whilst their attention is elsewhere

Singlenotsingle · 28/03/2021 00:52

If you're A you're being unreasonable. B is entitled to play with his phone if he wants to. Maybe he's not interested in the film? Maybe he would rather do something else? He'll start to dread "couples time" if he's being controlled like this.

LagunaBubbles · 28/03/2021 00:57

A is controlling. Grown adults don't need another grown adult telling her then when they can or can't look at their phone.

Mellonsprite · 28/03/2021 00:57

Yes I think it’s controlling, You can’t ‘demand’ someone watches a programme with you, giving it undivided attention. It’s got to be their own choice.

billy1966 · 28/03/2021 00:59

If they were chatting then yes glancing at the phone would be rude, but watching something and checking their phone, thats ok.

I have to say that because I do it.
It must be a very good show or film for my phone to not be looked at. 😙

LastRoloIsMine · 28/03/2021 02:01

A said if B needed to check phone/ email then say so as then they can pause.

B did this then A had a paddy!

Ffs sake you are adults. You really do not need to control each other this way. If I was A ir B I would be pissed.

Houseofvelour · 28/03/2021 02:01

Yes it's controlling.
Sometimes I scroll through my phone, sometimes he does.
If it's really bothering the other, we'll stop.

Holothane · 28/03/2021 02:02

If dh finds something we both watch then I drop iPad but if he’s watching the Simpson’s or anything else I either play on iPad sound off or watch other things in bedroom.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/03/2021 02:03

If couple time is being sat together on the sofa does it matter if one is watching t.v, one on their phone, or reading or whatever. You presumably are sat in relatively comfortable silence with the odd bit of conversation. If you want couple time where you actively talk to each other then surely its tv off, quiet background music and wine.

negomi90 · 28/03/2021 02:03

But how much quality time is watching TV together really?
Talking or doing an activity/playing a game which requires participation - no phone. But TV means focussing on the TV not each other. I rarely watch TV fully it doesn't engage me enough. My phone/laptop keep me placid and entertained so I can enjoy the company of others while the watch it, but I don't really like TV. Me on my phone is more quality time than me out the room or whining about being bored.

FortunesFave · 28/03/2021 05:11

OP must be B

LibertyWX · 28/03/2021 06:46

Hmm, I'd say A is simply fed up that B can't seem to spend time with them without being on their phone.

Hufflepuffsunite · 28/03/2021 06:58

Seems a bit silly. "Stop looking at the screen I don't want you to look at so you can focus properly on the screen I approve of." None of it is really "couple time" is it? If B was constantly on the phone when A was trying to have a conversation or have a meal together or be affectionate then I would agree B needs to put the phone down. If A is just watching telly, then it's not a big deal ime.

suspiria777 · 28/03/2021 08:56

A sounds very annoying indeed.

GraduallyWatermelon · 28/03/2021 09:43

Hmm, I'd say A is simply fed up that B can't seem to spend time with them without being on their phone.

As a pp says, why is it different that it's a TV screen rather than a phone screen? You're still sitting (mostly in silence) next to each other.

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