Does he hate me

[Jmee]

Hi. I am new to this so i may be doing this wrong. Feeling a bit overwhelmed so just joined. I am currently in a relationship of 16 years with 2 boys. I feel like my partner dislikes me and "puts up with me" Which I know is strange. Every time we have a disagreement he throws the same hurtful comments that I have no friends and I’m a mean and nasty person. Usually I just brush it off but it’s really getting to me as don’t think he is just saying it anymore just to hurt me I think he means it. He tells all his family I’m crazy. I don't want to get get too personal but I feel like he's only nice to me on the days he wants to sleep with me. His tone of voice changed and he is helpful. I work 5 days a week and my life revolves around my children. I don’t really have a social life or friends. He works but also does what he wants when he wants...gym, fishing etc. I’m finding it hard and have joined this chat as I really am starting to worry that I am a bad person. Like why say it all the time if you don't think it? I'd much rather he called me different names

Glad you have your own thread now

I cant say whether he hates you, but he certainly doesn't respect you, does he? I doubt you're a bad person - you work hard, you care for your children, you sound like a great mum to me. He, however, sounds like a complete knobcheese, and doesn't deserve to be with a lovely person like you.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles.

If you can afford it, I think you could both do with some couples counseling and help this relationship heal.

He has been extremely unkind to you, but the feeling I have is there is a lot of love and, hurt. Unfortunately, the communication has soured which will make it difficult to solve without guidance from someone changing things inside the relationship.

With only knowing a tiny fraction of your life, and am not a trained therapist, it sounds like you work really hard for the family. My feeling is you should carve out time for yourself to define who you are. That will rebuild your confidence primarily. The counseling will hopefully change the way you both think of the marriage.

Also, Mumsnet can be a great resource, I love it. But don't allow the others project their situation onto you. Which is why real advise from someone who can really get into the details will be worth so much more than listening to us internet crazies.

I'm sorry Bubbletea50, but counselling is the last thing anyone should embark on with an abusive partner. Jmee says herself that he is only nice to her when he wants sex, and the rest of the time, he is horrible to her. She doesn't need couples counselling, he needs therapy to figure out why he is so vile to his partner and the mother of his children.

Thank you for getting back to me I wasn't sure if anyone would notice my post.
I will listen to what each person has to say and I'm grateful for any advice. I'm just stuck in a rut at the minute. I have felt really down tonight after a recent disagreement over absolutely nothing.
He always tells me I'm shouting when disagreeing but his voice is just as "loud" if that what you want to call it. I come out of every conversation feeling like I've just done something but knowing it's a two way street.
Then the name calling starts. I never even call him anything mean so don't get why he feels the need

You wouldn't behave like that towards him, because you're not abusive. I bet if you knew you'd made him feel bad, you'd be upset. He isn't upset. What does that tell you?

Disagreements in relationships are normal, but deliberately making your partner feel awful is NOT normal. It is unkind and abusive.

I know this and would normally pass on the same advice. The fact I have had to join something like this to hear it saddens me.
I have two boys and I also know being in a bad relationship isn’t good for them but splitting my family up because I can’t take name calling makes me feel guilty. I feel like it’s my fault either way

@funnylittlefloozie

I'm sorry Bubbletea50, but counselling is the last thing anyone should embark on with an abusive partner. Jmee says herself that he is only nice to her when he wants sex, and the rest of the time, he is horrible to her. She doesn't need couples counselling, he needs therapy to figure out why he is so vile to his partner and the mother of his children.

Well said.

Of course you feel like it’s your fault, that is precisely what he has set you up for.

Maybe she should leave immediately because he's just not worth it. Maybe, at the end of counseling, she might decide to leave anyway. Or maybe somehow they muddle through.

I know only enough to say that I don't know enough of their situation. And even though he's acted dreadfully (clearly), I don't think an instant divorce is the right answer either.

My last paragraph was trying to highlight that MN tends to simplify complex relationship questions down into binary leave or stay options. I see the counseling option as a valid path because that gives a place for both parties to clear the air and hope to mend the relationship. At any point, if OP feels the relationship is truly over, then of course it's over.

What do I know.

@Bubbletea50 no reputable counsellor will counsel a couple where there is abuse in the relationship. The individuals yes: as a couple , no.

@funnylittlefloozie

I'm sorry Bubbletea50, but counselling is the last thing anyone should embark on with an abusive partner. Jmee says herself that he is only nice to her when he wants sex, and the rest of the time, he is horrible to her. She doesn't need couples counselling, he needs therapy to figure out why he is so vile to his partner and the mother of his children.

Absolutely don’t do couples counselling with an abuser, ever. Have you considered counselling just for yourself though OP?

It’s easy to say leave the bastard but the reality isn’t that easy at all. Whatever you decide to do know that you don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone let alone by the person who’s meant to love you more than anything.