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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband sanding indoors!

77 replies

Helgahellcat · 27/03/2021 17:39

During the second lockdown my DH took up a new hobby of woodworking. (He tends to get a new hobby every couple of months which becomes an obsession). He was making little wooden boxes as gifts for people but made our lives hell. We are a six person family (2 adults & 4 kids) living in a two bedroom terraced house with a very small back garden. He took over the kitchen and conservatory which we use as a dining room, and ranted, raved and shouted at me and the kids if we went anywhere near the rooms and I was expected to keep our 2 and 3 year olds confined to the living room without them playing up and ‘distracting’ him.
Thankfully this obsession subsided after a few weeks but during this latest lockdown it has come back with a vengeance and now instead of making small trinket boxes he has started making tables and chairs and benches. He bought hundreds of pounds worth of power tools and for the past 3 weeks or so has been using them in the house including the sander which has made thick sawdust all over everything. He has power tools and wood stored everywhere including the kitchen worktops and cookers which means some days I have been unable to eat (I’ve bought takeaway for the kids but I have a complex health issues which mean I can’t eat that sort of thing). Again he is getting angry with us and when I told him it’s unacceptable to be doing this in a house let alone with small children, he has turned around and told me I am unreasonable and disrespectful for trying to stop him from doing his hobby and something he loves. He also does it late, even past midnight including using the power tools so we are all kept awake.
We have put up with it until today but now we all have sore throats, irritated eyes and skin and problems with our noses being blocked and streaming due to the sawdust so I asked him again to please stop it for now or at least until summer when the better weather comes or until we move to somewhere with a garage. Again he got angry and turned everything around on me and said he never complains about my hobbies which disrupt the household; I do tarot readings when all the kids are in bed and DH is on shift at work and I do PT sessions for clients at 6am before everyone wakes up. He also said I should be thankful he’s not out getting drunk every night or having affairs like most men. Realising he won’t listen I have come to my mum’s house.
I don’t like breaking the lockdown rules but feel I have no choice. My mum’s is only a small 2 bed house so me and the four children cannot stay here so we will head home late tonight and come back early in the morning and do this everyday until he hopefully stops. I would just like honest opinions about this and if I am the one in the wrong here? I’m mentally exhausted from it and don’t know what to do. Thank you.

OP posts:
Hollywhiskey · 27/03/2021 19:43

That's not normal and it's so dangerous. My husband does woodworking and makes things like cabinets to a professional standard for his hobby.
When he's using power tools, even outdoors, he always wears PPE including a respirator mask, goggles, ear defenders etc. If he is using saws then either he is locked in an outbuilding or the kids are locked in the house. We have more than one child therefore I can't pay them sufficient attention to keep them away from his dangerous tools by supervision alone, and if he's paying attention to his work (which he must be if he's using power tools) he can't watch the kids. Therefore there must be an actual locked door in between them at all times in case someone loses an arm.
He would never use the tools late at night and we have a detached house - how is that fair on the neighbours? There are so many things that can be done indoors with screwdrivers and clean fiddly bits if he wants to bring his work in during the dark and the rain, so he does that. He can do planning and measuring and even glueing if he protects his workspace adequately.
He got a special dust extraction tool that hooks up to his saws and sander to take the worst of it out of the air and even then, outdoors, he still wears the respirator. He values being able to breathe and have healthy lungs.
Also the whole point of the hobby is about making your home nice and creating beautiful furniture for your family to enjoy. If you trash your home with sawdust ground into the carpets and wreck your health then what's the point of the hobby?

burritofan · 27/03/2021 19:55

Who are the 2% who think YABU? Have they got sawdust on their brains?

This is so, so awful.

Elletine · 27/03/2021 19:59

Good luck with CAB and WA when you speak to them OP - keep this thread to hand to give you strength! Keep us posted, wishing you all the luck in the world with your next steps

Flaxmeadow · 27/03/2021 20:05

He was diagnosed with anxiety and depression during the first lockdown although I suspect it’s something more such as a personality disorder or something

Poor bloke. Woodworking might be therapeutic for him. Its great hobby and useful but no he shouldn't be sanding indoors

junebirthdaygirl · 27/03/2021 20:43

Sounds like he may be having a manic episode. I have some experience of this with a family member. They get an idea into their head and obsessed with that and hell or high water won't stop him. Also act like everyone else is at fault if they disagree with them and get superhuman energy hence working half the night. And spending madly..new tools although ye are obviously not able to afford all that.
I am not great on meds but he may be on the wrong medication if he is going high so please tell his doctor what's happening.
And l totally agree with calling the police as you and your children are being terrorised in your own home. Not to scare you but if he is having a manic episode and is surrounded by dangerous tools l wouldn't feel safe.

Stoptherideiwannagetoff · 27/03/2021 20:49

Fuck a Duck OP! He's a massive twat. Not only a completely selfish tosspot but putting the long term health of you and your children at risk. Wood dust is very very bad. Go to the HSE website and print off their guidance and if necessary shove it sideways up his arse with the help of a large piece of his 'hobby'! I truly hope CAB can help you. He needs to go. Xx

Helgahellcat · 27/03/2021 21:05

@Stoptherideiwannagetoff you don’t realise how much you’d cheered me up with your message 😂 You’ve made me laugh so much during an incredibly stressful situation. Thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Helgahellcat · 27/03/2021 21:11

@junebirthdaygirl thank you for sharing that. You have literally described him to a tee! I’ve decided to stay at my mum’s for the night to be on the safe side as I do now realise his behaviour is not normal. I’m going to get someone to come home with me tomorrow and collect some belongings for a few days and try to make a get away plan on Monday when I can speak to CAB and get some advice. Many thanks 🙏🏼

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 27/03/2021 21:26

Please contact the police even just to flag it up. He may need to be hospitalized so police having a heads up in advance is useful. Also his doctor about the meds as they may be sending him even higher. I am not making you responsible for his behaviour but this is for your safety..and possibly his.
Take care

AlCalavicci · 27/03/2021 22:56

Just a thought , Do you get on well with your neighbours ? could you ask them to repeatedly complain about the noise , hopefully after a while the police will pay him a visit . I know it is not the solution but it may make him see a bit more sense

whymewhyme · 28/03/2021 07:37

Can you go home when he's at work and pack up all his shit and belovid power tools and leave it outside for him and lock him out. ( leave the kids a mums so they arnt aware) Doesn't seem right that you and the kids have to stay at your mums.

Helgahellcat · 28/03/2021 07:39

Thank you for sharing this @Hollywhiskey. Your husband is very sensible by the sounds of it and taking all safety precautions. I didn’t have any knowledge of woodworking but when my husband started with this obsession I guessed he should have had a lot more safety equipment than he did and certainly knew he shouldn’t be doing it in the house let alone with toddlers at home. Thank you.

OP posts:
Helgahellcat · 28/03/2021 07:48

Unfortunately he’s on leave for 10 days now and not back to work until next week. Plus he’s named as the lead renter on the tenancy agreement and I don’t have full-time work right now so I can’t imagine the estate agents would let me stay over him. I’m going to get some advice tomorrow from some helplines I been directed to. Many thanks for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
ApplestheHare · 28/03/2021 08:03

OP YANBU at all! As others have said, this behaviour sounds very much like a manic episode and, if so, he shouldn't be on anti depressants as these will be pushing him higher.

He sounds incredibly unwell and it sounds very unsafe for you and the children. Thinking of you and hoping you get help Flowers

Garlia · 28/03/2021 08:04

@Helgahellcat

Unfortunately he’s on leave for 10 days now and not back to work until next week. Plus he’s named as the lead renter on the tenancy agreement and I don’t have full-time work right now so I can’t imagine the estate agents would let me stay over him. I’m going to get some advice tomorrow from some helplines I been directed to. Many thanks for taking the time to reply.
For the safety and wellbeing of you and your kids can you stay with your Mum while he's off, or even stay in an AirBnB while you gain information and look at your options?

He may have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but that does not give him free reign to be a selfish, abusive shit of a person and treat his family with such lack of care.

Helgahellcat · 28/03/2021 08:38

Thank you @ApplestheHare. Reading these messages have given me so much clarity as I was really starting to think I must be a horrible and selfish person for ‘interfering’ with his hobby. Thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Helgahellcat · 28/03/2021 08:53

Thank you for your reply @Garlia. I contacted some hotels and I’ve had an email to say one is willing to let us stay. I have made the decision to leave because it goes around in cycles with his obsessions. The previous two were cake making and gardening. Each obsession normally last 6-8 weeks and it is literally all he can focus on and we shouted at and made to feel like big inconvenient problems for just being in the vicinity whilst he’s doing it. His personal hygiene also becomes neglected whilst having one of these episodes and then gets angry when I won’t go near him. He has previously told me that if he went to see a prostitute and I decided to divorce him because of it, the courts would side with him because I don’t ever try it on with him. 🤔 I should hope a prostitute would have higher standards really and wouldn’t take a client that hadn’t brushed their teeth or showered in 10 days and was covered in sawdust/icing sugar/soil (dependant on the obsession at the time). I’m done with it.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 28/03/2021 09:23

Neglecting hygiene is another part of a manic episode..usually. They get so focused on their obsession of the moment nothing else matters.Its so important you trust your own instincts here and not doubt yourself. This is him , not you.
I hope you manage to get something sorted today.

cripez · 28/03/2021 09:27

Sounds like you DH has more serious mental health issues than he might think. Manic depression, or even schizophrenia.

Find a safe place to stay.

Doyoumindfisithere · 28/03/2021 09:37

I think the fact there are definite cycles suggests a serious issue, you're being really strong Flowers because this sounds like a nightmare.

Pansypotter123 · 28/03/2021 09:41

and then gets angry when I won’t go near him. He has previously told me that if he went to see a prostitute and I decided to divorce him because of it, the courts would side with him because I don’t ever try it on with him. 🤔**

He sounds delightful. How dare he turn himself into the victim here, and blame you.

Wilkolampshade · 28/03/2021 09:42

Oh OP, he's so, so ill. Please get yourself and the kids out. Get back on here for support when you need it. Flowers

makingmammaries · 28/03/2021 09:43

WTAF. MH issues or not, you need to get shot of this man, OP. Sawdust is a carcinogen.
I had to shout at my DH recently for sanding indoors, because the noise was too much. But he at least was doing it for the family’s benefit (wooden floor) and had an extractor connected.
No way should you be living like this.

makingmammaries · 28/03/2021 09:48

Also, most men, for all their faults, are not having affairs or getting drunk every night. Arguably, even that would be better than an indoor sanding hobby... You deserve better than this, OP.

Parkerwhereareyou · 28/03/2021 09:50

He has gone mad.

Can you get him a sander with hoover bag on the back? These are commonly used.