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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask sister to text/call before visiting

18 replies

Mouscadoo · 27/03/2021 10:16

I have a very close relationship with my older sister, we are very similar in a lot of ways. In general I dont like people to call to the house with giving some notice. My sister is the exact same so I always text or call and would never show up at her house without her confirming that it suits. Despite her knowing this about me she has started calling up to the house unannounced, coming in the back door, knocking on the window etc....I hate confrontation but I decided it was the right thing to do to let her know that I would rather she text or call me before calling up. The text was fairly pleasant in my opinion as i love her and love seeing her. Well she seemed okay initially when I said this but has since ignored my messages and my calls. Don't know what to think and feel like shit...

OP posts:
Hidinginstaircupboard · 27/03/2021 10:29

Don't feel bad for saying something about this.
Don't overthink it. Keep it short. "Text/ring me before you come over as I may be busy"

Don't give it anymore thought. Your Dsis knows she's been presumptuous. The more you talk it through the more you'll be rubbing it in. You said it, it's done, leave it be now.

Btw I agree with you, no matter how much you love your visitors, unannounced ones cause me anxiety.
It's unsettling to feel someone may drop over anytime or let themselves into your home. That 10 mins warning so you can say- "not right now later /tomorrow please, am busy" makes all the different from relaxing fully in your home or feeling like you're in a fish bowl whether suddenly you'll have someone over for you knows how long whether that's what you want or not.

nextdaydeliverance · 27/03/2021 10:29

It's fine and she's being a twat if she expects notice herself but freely turns up at your house.

I hate people just turning up too. I want my house to be tidy and for us to be dressed at least. On a weekend I'm often in pjs if I'm not going out. Friends and family say 'I don't care what your house is like, I'm here to see you' but don't get that I'm uncomfortable if I'm sat there in my jogging bottoms and no bra!
Just fucking text or call and give me an hour to put my face on and vacuum round ffs!

ChocolateCrackles · 27/03/2021 10:33

Not unreasonable. I fell out with a family member for this exact reason. Didn't matter how many times I politely requested notice, they would turn up whenever, let themselves in and half the time have somebody else with them. Usually it was on a weekend morning when I was still in my undies laying in bed.

They got super passive-aggressive about it then ended up blowing up at me one day so I let them have their tantrum and made it clear that they were no longer welcome at all.

My opinion is that it's a control thing. Every adult has a mobile phone these days and it takes ten seconds to send a text. To not do that is very inconsiderate. You are not the problem here OP.

TurquoiseDragon · 27/03/2021 10:39

She's not happy you called her out, no matter how pleasant you were. But really, she knows she's in the wrong, as she know you both prefer people to call or message before turning up.

Don't worry about it, it's not you, it's her.

RunnerDuck2020 · 27/03/2021 10:44

Completely reasonable on your part - it’s so rude to just turn up unannounced, I think most people would find that a problem.

foxhat · 27/03/2021 10:53

It's fine to say something of course but it's sensitive and so should be discussed in person not via text

Original poster
Mouscadoo · 05/04/2021 19:39

Thanks everyone for your responses, I'm looking for some advice. My sister still hasn't spoken to me, I have tried to reach out but to no avail...should I continue to reach out to her or leave it alone? It is the longest we have gone without speaking in a very long time

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 05/04/2021 19:41

I'd message 'Are you not getting in touch because I asked you not to drop by unannounced or is something else going on?'
Putting it in those bald but neutral terms may prompt her into action.

Dropdeadfred2 · 05/04/2021 19:50

@Sparkletastic

I'd message 'Are you not getting in touch because I asked you not to drop by unannounced or is something else going on?' Putting it in those bald but neutral terms may prompt her into action.
Totally agree with this
Poptart4 · 05/04/2021 19:50

I think I'd leave it for a while. I definitely wouldn't send anymore texts as the 'tone' of a text message can be hard to read. I suspect that's what's happened with your first text. It probably came across harsher than you meant it and shes now taken offence.

B33Fr33 · 05/04/2021 19:52

I'd definitely leave her to it for a couple of weeks initially. Then reassess.

jacks11 · 05/04/2021 20:05

Either let it be or call her. The tone of text messages can be easily misinterpreted and that may be why your sister has taken offence. Or perhaps she’s just being a bit of a pain. Is this normal behaviour fir her, or out of character?

Lampzade · 05/04/2021 20:10

I always text or phone before I go to someone’s house ( even family).
My family know that I don’t like ‘surprise’ visits.
So I understand how you feel Op

DaphneDuBois · 05/04/2021 20:26

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. This is your home and schedule, not hers, even if she is your sister.

bananaboats · 05/04/2021 21:09

Is she's taken the huff over this I'd leave her to it, you are def not BU i don't like people showing up unannounced either

Original poster
Mouscadoo · 08/04/2021 17:05

Yes I was thinking about doing this. Its very confusing because when I first messaged her about it she seemed completely fine about it "of course ill always text first, it was a once off, lots of love". And then radio silence, I have called her 2 or 3 times and I have messaged her twice....I know she has spoken to my other sister so nothing has happened to her or anything.

Also it wasn't a once off, it was the fourth time it has happened in the past couple of months. The tone of my initial message really was kind, because I do love my sister and we are extremely close but she herself really struggles with boundaries. I don't know...so confusing and to be honest I'm getting annoyed that she's ignoring me

OP posts:
Original poster
Mouscadoo · 08/04/2021 17:08

I've spoken to my partner about it and he has said someone else needs to mediate the situation since she's ignoring all my attempts of contact. My personal feeling is to let it lie for now as I have attempted several times to contact to no avail so im getting nowhere

OP posts:
beginningoftheend · 08/04/2021 17:21

I'd leave it for a bit.

But in terms of the original question - yanbu! Had to fit a lock on back gate due to same issue Sad some people are just rude. Is one thing to knock at the front but just letting yourself round the back is a touch too much!!

Have noticed my relatives are worse now they assume we are in more - previously they may have had a wasted trip. I feel like a sitting duck!!!

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