Do you ever think about...

[ActionBarry]

... how many romances never happen because people are too shy/awkward/afraid to be honest and upfront about their feelings?

I was thinking about this recently. There have been a few men who I was attracted to and who I thought might be attracted to me but I never said anything about it (didn’t want to seem big-headed and presumptuous) and neither did they. Years later I find myself wondering about how they would have reacted if I had just admitted it. I also wonder how they’d react if I told them now, just to get it out there. I neither want or expect anything to happen - I am in a long term relationship and not interested in starting another one - I just want to tell them. A bit like how people in addiction recovery programs call up friends from the past to make amends. There seems to be enough time and distance between us for it to be “safe” to do so.

Then I started thinking (not about me but about people in general) that we should never wait until it’s “safe”, because of course by then it’s too late. I imagine a once young and beautiful woman waiting til she’s in her 80s to tell a man that she used to have a crush on him and him saying “Why didn’t you tell me before?!” and it makes me sad for them!

As an experiment (obviously I am bored and isolated during lockdown and have nothing else to do!) I tried telling one former colleague that I’d always thought he was cute (while making it clear that I was in no way coming onto him) and it made him so happy. I felt like I’d done something really nice and made a connection. I don’t know.

I guess I’m still working out what I think about this and I don’t really have an AIBU but I’m interested in other people’s thoughts.

I think there are better ways to spend your time than telling people something that starts with 'This doesn't matter any more, but...'

Focusing on 'crushes you used to have' is a bit pointless, like focusing on hobbies you used to have.

There's a billion relationships that don't start for a billion reasons, and this reason is no different. Waiting until you feel safe is really important. If both parties are too nervous to make the right signals at the time to show that they're interested, then that doesn't bode well for communication between them in a relationship.

I guess I should point out that this topic doesn’t actually take up much of my time. I was just idly speculating after reading a novel on a similar theme. I just find human relationships fascinating, even more so during the pandemic.

I'm not sure I'd tell them years later but, yeah I agree with you in some cases. Though if both parties are clearly single and no complications then it's not a great sign if they can't get things off the ground.

I often think about this too. So many near misses and might have beens. It's lovely that you made someone's day by telling them you thought they were cute. So tricky though. Things can often be misconstrued.

I think reaching out to people you have no intention of starting a relationship with and telling them you used to fancy them / have a crush on them is a very odd thing to do.
I'd be wondering what you were hoping to achieve other than making a lot of people feel uncomfortable - especially your current partner and their current partner.

If you genuinely want to spread some happiness, then compliment people around you currently - say some of the things you think and hold back from saying out loud.

I can't see how your idea can end in anything but tears or at best, discomfort.

The sliding doors apply in all areas of life we gain or miss opportunities in a split second.
I'm not shy your OP is not my experience - you only get one life, challenge yourself build your confidence and when the opportunity pops up go get it.
Life is for living there's no mind readers.

Forgot to add. No say nothing you're bored.

@BackforGood Yeah I get what you’re saying, but it’s not quite like that. It just feels nice to say nice things to people. The person in question said he’d been having a hard time being alone during Covid in a foreign country and it really made his day to wake up to that message. There was nothing romantic about it, just friendly. I think quite apart from anything else it made me see how lovely it can be when we tell each other nice things about ourselves. Not necessarily to do with physical attractiveness or whatever. It just makes the world seem so much nicer when people don’t hold back, don’t try to be cool, just be open and kind. I’m not explaining it well.

Are you being serious? I fancy my sons teacher but I think some things are best never mentioned 😂 very random!

Someone from when we were all 15 ish did this a couple of months ago on a Facebook group which is mostly about setting up a reunion party for next year when we're all going to be fifty. To be fair he did send it as a PM rather than on the main conversation page. A bit of me was rather touched, mostly because nobody ever asked me out as I was perceived as a nerd. And he said he'd not dared to ask as I seemed to be so untouchable and aloof, which was actually of course a thick layer of shyness.

Another bit was thinking 'Hang on I don't remember you or what you looked like!' But most of all I was actually rather creeped out.

Tell him his text brightened your day, he might continue to text, tell him at a later stage.
It sounds as if he thinks of you fondly.

I think I would quite like to hear that someone used to fancy me but were too shy to say so. I would be like your colleague I think, happy

I've been single for nearly 20 years. Would be a boost to think that some people did like me rather than me thinking I'm hideous

I had this happen once...someone I went to school with admitted he'd had a massive crush on me but had been too scared to do anything about it. Particularly to say anything during school hours with everyone around...

He knew where I lived and his paper round took him close by so he used to cycle past my house every day for more than a year hoping to bump into me and get up the confidence to say something.

Except by the time he started doing this I'd actually moved house a month or two before and he didn't know!

Anyway...instead of dating him (since I didn't know he liked me) I dated some arrogant arsehole who really messed me around and dumped me for my best friend which was the start of a not particularly great few years with men.

It did make me think how much nicer my introduction to relationships would have been if he'd plucked up the courage to say something and my first relationship would have been with a (much) nicer guy who was besotted with me!