Lost years..wish I’d been younger

[Springtimeblues]

I struggled with infertility and started trying to conceive at 31, but had miscarriages, an ectopic, rounds of ivf and finally had dd at 40. I just love her so much but feel so sad I wasn’t able to have her earlier, I would have pushed more or even started trying at 25 if I knew. I was always slightly on the fence about having children, although I’ve always loved them, I loved my freedom too and have been lucky to travel lots, live abroad and spend years watching sunsets on beaches. I’d change it all to have had children earlier (if I could) and lots more, if I could.
The very things I didn’t want when younger-to stay near my family in my home town and have a big family, are the very things I now want..but it’s too late. I live abroad and have one child and fairly late, Aibu to wish I’d done things differently, does anyone else?

@Usagi12

Wierdly, I think because I had the kids so late I don't worry about not getting my freedom back until I'm in my 60s. Tbh, been there, done that, all wild oats were well and truly sewn 😁

Yep I’m exactly the same

@Usagi12 Yes, I’m not bothered about getting any freedom back, I had that for 39 years 🤣In terms of living life, I prefer the fact I travelled and lived abroad and had an amazing extended adulthood for so long. I’ve calmed down a lot and am fairly boring now, so those travelling adventures just wouldn’t happen in the same way for me personally now or at 50, the fun part was that I had no hang ups and just went for it. My sadness is the fewer years with Dd and the possibility of having had more, also the loss of those years being down the road from my parents. But I made my choice and I think to myself, surely that must have been what I wanted 🤷🏻‍♀️

@ThatOtherPoster I’m not sure 🤷🏻‍♀️I don’t think I have depression, I didn’t really think about fewer years with her until recently and certainly didn’t factor that into my thoughts when younger, perhaps it is lockdown pondering as a previous poster suggests

Fewer years

I think quality is better than quantity and for all you know you might have the longevity of Prince Philip.

I’m the child of teenage parents and have a much much younger brother and sister (now in their 20s). Their childhood was much better than mine as it had more patience and was more child focused.

My parents were still trying to have fun when they had me so my grandparents had a huge hand in bringing me up.

I didn’t want that for any child I had.

Choices

How many of those choices were made due to IVF and MC. I have some regrets for not making better decisions in some areas due to the bloody cloud and relentlessness of IVF and MC.

However as others have said, I don’t focus on the regrets as I am where I am now. If anything I use them to inform my future.

@Defaultuser I’ve noticed I’ve been reflecting a lot more recently too, and others

@ThatOtherPoster I’m not sure if it’s a little late for pnd? She’s 3 in summer..I don’t know to be honest

Wasted energy. I don’t think about regrets at all. Maybe to reflect sometimes in a way I could have tackled things better but not major life decisions.

You had all those wonderful years travelling/independence whilst your friends were stuck at home changing nappies! I remember being very envious of my single friend living overseas when I was knee deep in nappies and pouring down rain!

Look for the positives

I think for many there is a period of processing and reflection after IVF, I certainly went through this.

I would have a 10 year old and not a toddler if I was able to conceive when I had wanted to. My life would have been very different.

No guarantee it would have been better though.

I think it's the life stage we're in. There seem to be a number of us on this thread who have lived a similar life and are at similar stages (we may have met already on our travels 😁).

We're early 40s, just entering middle age really, just when I suppose it's natural to re-evaluate your choices. On top of that we're sleep deprived, looking after toddlers and in lockdown FFS! It's all going to mess with your head. Don't worry though, next we have menopause to look forward to 😂😂😂

I’m the same OP (one child, wanted four 😭, years of ivf agony and ££££). Almost all of the women I know wanted more children than they were able to have.

I feel that we were the generation that were lied to. The generation above us had their first child at an average of 24. For all of human history it was earlier than that. Yet suddenly we were taught at school that the worst thing you could do was get pregnant young and the smart thing to do was to work hard in an office making money for ‘the man’ trying to build a career that usually evaporates when you have children anyway.

The media are always full of celebrities having babiea in their late thirties/ forties - no mention of the fact is probably donor eggs.

I’m passionate about telling young women to have kids as soon as they can.

Good point @Usagi12

@Skysblue also true. Though for me I didn’t know it but I was infertile at birth so I guess I don’t have that ‘if only I’d tried earlier’.

@skysblue

You're so right, you hit the nail on the head
We were the generation of girls who were told we could have it all. It's just not true though is it? There's always a sacrifice/com

There's always a sacrifice/compromise to be had. I wish I'd realised earlier. However I have a really good career and this has given me options with my kids (2 years out of work with new financial issues and a good job to go back to when I'm ready). I just wouldn't have had these options 20 years ago. My husband and I earn the same (I worked harder and have achieved more academic/career success but we earn the same obvs).

With no financial issues...god I need a new phone. Added to list!

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I had dd last year at 40.

Was in a very settled and long term relationship through my teens and 20s, was about to get married and children would have been the next step. I've always wanted them. It all went tits up. Then it took forever to find someone else, I also moved abroad for work but then had to return to care for my terminally ill mum, then had to deal with bereavement and it all put me back. I started down the path of going it alone via donor but was wavering a bit and then met now DH.

Took us 4 years of trying but we finally have DD. She's everything. If I'd had a baby with my ex or alone or even managed to conceive sooner with DH I'd have an entirely different DC and since DD is the best thing that's happened to me (or indeed the world as far as I'm concerned ) then I can't regret it.

Sometime I wish I was younger so i could have longer to enjoy motherhood and more chance of having other DC. I worry about leaving her whilst she's still relatively young. But then my mum was 40 when I was born, I was actually sort of adopted as my (younger) birth mum died when I was born. The mum that brought me up was amazing and we had the best relationship and as I got older she remained young at heart and fun and great company. I was so so lucky to have her and whilst it was so so painful to lose her relatively young I wouldn't have wished for a younger mum. I want to be around for as long as possible for my daughter and I can't bear the thought of her suffering the grief I did but theres nothing to say I won't make 100 yet.

I really don't think the best years are over. I've had many wonderful times and I'll have many even more wonderful ones yet with my daughter. She's so long awaited and so loved and I can't be bothered wasting a single second wishing things were different.

Although I’ve struggled with miscarriages these last few years (currently in third trimester!), I’m not I would change things. I had a great time in my 20s, worked hard, travelled lots, went out and made lots of good long lasting friendships. The man I was with wasn’t suitable for me and I didn’t meet my now husband until later. If I had got pregnant younger I wouldn’t have got what I have now and would have been in a miserable relationship which would not be fair on the child. I certainly wouldn’t try and persuade women to have children young, just like I wouldn’t persuade them to have them when old! It’s so personal and there’s no guarantee you’ll meet the right person to have them with at the prescribed time. I’m very grateful for what I have now, I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything, which I would have done if I’d had them younger. Unfortunately you can’t have everything, but at least women have a lot more choice now!

oblada Q (from me) "we're unlikely to be in a fit state to be part of any grandchild's life." - God that's a bit doom and gloom - any reason for this? My mum had me when she was 35yrs old. I'm now 35yrs old. Granted I've started having children much earlier and I've just had my last one.

Well, I'm 58, DH is 6O, DC are 19 and 21. If they have DC at even 30/32, we'll be around 70. No one in our families live past 73.

@Miljea

oblada Q (from me) "we're unlikely to be in a fit state to be part of any grandchild's life." - God that's a bit doom and gloom - any reason for this? My mum had me when she was 35yrs old. I'm now 35yrs old. Granted I've started having children much earlier and I've just had my last one.

Well, I'm 58, DH is 6O, DC are 19 and 21. If they have DC at even 30/32, we'll be around 70. No one in our families live past 73.

Hopefully you'll be the exception to that!