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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I cook yummy home cooked stuff everynight, AIBU to expect dh to eat his 're-heated'?

44 replies

handlemecarefully · 08/11/2007 21:43

You know how I need mumsnet to navigate through the minefield of my relationship with dh

Anyway, dh is workaholic. Self employed so no requirement for him to work late and materialise at 20.00 / 20.30 / 21.00 etc but he is completely driven so he does do long hours (unnecessarily imo)

The children and I generally eat around 17.30 - 18.00. I then put a portion aside for dh for later.

He was having a little oh woe is me moan tonight (when he got in 15 minutes ago) because the sugarsnap peas had wilted a little from being re-warmed in the microwave and the baked potato was a bit crusty and hard...he didn't pass comment on the re heated homemade veggie pasties...

Anyway clear inference is that I should cook tea for the children and me, and then later in the evening (when actually I consider myself 'off duty') I should re -steam from fresh a second lot of sugar snap peas, put a new potato in the oven to bake, and put a second fresh batch of pasties in.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

handlemecarefully · 09/11/2007 13:32

You see Lady Sanders - I just want to sit on my arse at around 19.30 /20.00 , not mess up the kitchen again with a fresh batch of cooking which needs to be cleared away with more drudge work later

)

OP posts:

LoveAngelGabriel · 09/11/2007 15:56

I just can't believe that somebody goes to the trouble of making you a homecooked meal every night and you actually complain about it. Maybe he should make his own dinner? Or perhaps he'd prefer a microwaveable meal? Blimey.

3littlesparklers · 09/11/2007 16:36

We have casseroles, pasta etc during the week so that people can eat when they come in from work/school/college. It is just not possible to all eat together and nobody complains. DH heats his up in the microwave when he gets home.....but, I do sit down with him and have a drink while he eats, so we can have a chat. If I have made a pudding I save mine to eat with him.

It is totally unreasonable to expect a second fresh meal cooked IMO. Dh is grateful for whatever he is given.

doublethelovedoublethekisses · 09/11/2007 16:44

I have to say I'm with LadySanders on this one, I cook for dc approx 5 ish and then again for me and dp later on.
However I don;t think you're being unreasonable to not want to do that

clam · 09/11/2007 16:48

My dh made the fatal error of offering me one piece of advice too many in the kitchen....... result: he does all the cooking now! Oh, and the shopping! But then he has become deliberately crap at ironing.

motheroftwoboys · 09/11/2007 16:50

We don't eat till 9 at the very earliest each night - by the time we both get in. Both DSs now make themselves a snack - sandwich or something when they they get in from school then we all eat together. Seemed very late at first but used to it now.

OrmIrian · 09/11/2007 16:54

Blimey! How old are your boys motheroftwo? My 3 would have started eating each other by then!

LadySanders · 09/11/2007 17:02

i spect its just one of those things where we all have different tolerances for different things... i don't mind at all doing the separate meals, but on the other hand i DO mind shaving my legs every day cos i can't be arsed... so i guess the fact of my stubbly legs every few days is possibly balanced out by my eating with dp in the evening .

LadySanders · 09/11/2007 17:11

sorry if that was a total non sequitur, i blame pregnancy hormones, but had conversation recently with friend about the weird things we and dps put up with which might totally irritate someone else... one girl i know said her husband would be appalled if she didn't wear matching underwear every day... which i am totally impressed with her dedication! but then again she does other stuff which would drive my dp nuts....

Roseylea · 09/11/2007 17:21

ISTM that one of ythe issues here is whether you feel that your dh values what you do, HMC, and whether you feel that he values his work more higly than you. Sorry to be blunt but I can see that could be the heart of it.

The practicalities of when you eat and what you eat are relatively easy to re-arrange so that everyone is more or less happy, but sorting out a family value system is much trickier. In other words, you need to talk to your dh and explain how you feel about his working long hours, explain what you perceive his priorities to be and ask him what his real priorities are. And hopefully end up with a shared value system that says thta family is important and therefore work hours need to not eat up every waking hour. Some men feel atht they are looking after their family best by working really hard to provide financially; I know someone self-employed who works ridiculous hours with the justification that in a few year's time, he can ease up a bit.

Does that help at all? Sorry if I'm rushing in where angels fear to tread...

TellusMater · 09/11/2007 17:22

Well, I can also see why he wouldn't want to eat early and then carry on working. I hate relaxing for a meal and then having to gear myself back up again for work.

Don't hate me, but I do feel a bit sorry for him actually. Eating heated up food by himself.

You say that you feel on the periphery of his life, and it sounds like he is on the periphery of his family's.

I eat late with my DH because I would rather share a meal with him than not. But that's us - and I am the size of a house .

lizziemun · 09/11/2007 17:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I also do home cooked meals everday, dd1 has hers at 5pm then we have ours when she and dd2 are in bed so we eat between 7 and 7.30pm. If dh is going to be late then i eat with dd1 and he either reheats what i've cooked or he gets his own dinner.

I with you i would not want to eating between 8pm and 9pm it's to late for me nor would i want to be clearing up at that time because i would have been up since 6am with dd2.

ElenyaTuesday · 09/11/2007 17:37

I used to do the two-meal-thing when the boys were small - I fed them at 5.30pm and dh and I ate at about 8pm (a different meal, not the children's stuff re-heated). But now my children are older (10 and 8) we all eat together at 7pm. Dh has to make a huge effort to be home at that time, though!!! Sometimes he is just coming through the door as I'm serving up. But I do serve it up at 7pm - if dh isn't there he has to heat it up himself. I'm finished for the day!!

soapbox · 09/11/2007 17:43

I'm treading on really dangerous socio-economic grounds now - but are you both from the same kind of background? IME eating dinner around 8 or 9pm is the norm for upper middle and upper classed people. For that social grouping, eating at 5.30 or 6pm would be like having nursery tea

Might it simply be that you have both been brought up with different ideas about what a normal adult evening meal time is?

I feel sorry for both of you actually, as I suspect you are both feeling that the other is not compromising enough in the relationship - it's a tough one to crack if you aren't the kind of couple who can communicate well and negotiate for an outcome that suits both of you.

iota · 09/11/2007 17:51

Today I made meatballs and pasta for the dses at 5pm.

Dh and I will eat about 7pm - we will have the meatballs reheated, but will cook fresh pasta and garlic bread to go with them.

Pesonally I would not like to eat reheated sugar snaps - they are truly gross when over-cooked, I would reheat the pasty and steam some fresh veg.

And quite often I leave the mess in the kitchen until after the school run in the morning

but then domestic chores have never been my strong suit

tigermoth · 09/11/2007 18:00

Food and how family meals are organised can be an emotive subject IME.

For my dh, food and mealtimes are central to his day. He would feel terribly upset - rejected and sidelined if I stopped eating with him most nights, cooked his meal earlier and reheated it, veg and all.

He is much more into food than me - he positively enjoys us preparing and cooking a meal together. I would cook a lot less if left to my own devices and also, if the roles were reversed, I would feel ok about having a reheated meal and eafting alone in the evenings.

So I think you have to look at your dh, decide how important this really is to him.
If mealtimes represent 'family' to him, you need to think if it's possible to change his perceptions.

Minum · 09/11/2007 18:36

I'm lucky, DH gets home early, but I would say I always clear up the next morning, so dont worry how late we eat at night, from that perspective. If I'm going to be home after 7.00, I always tell DH to feed kids and himself, as I'm very happy to eat on my own, sometime he waits, sometimes he eats with them.

PurlyQueen · 09/11/2007 18:37

At the moment I come home much later than my husband. He would save me some dinner at first, but by the time I got home I was either not hungry or the food was past its best. So in the end we agreed that he shouldn't put himself out by saving me an extra portion and we make a special effort to eat together at weekends.

jazzandh · 09/11/2007 18:58

YANBU at all - luckily we can eat together, but if DH is late he gets a re-heat. At the weekend I eat slightly later and make "our" meal a priority.

Leaving aside all the relationship issues here - on a practical note, get him to bung a fresh jacket spud in the microwave and get some of those packets of steam fresh frozen veggies that can go in the microwave. "Fresh veg" and no washing up! Done while he has a shower and a cup of tea.

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