What would happen to my DC??

[Bluesardinia22]

I’ve name changed and I’m aware this isn’t really AIBU but posting for traffic as I need an answer.

I live with my DP we both have DC from previous relationships. I have 2, they’re 10 & 12. My exh (DC dad) lives 15 mins away and sees them regularly.

If something happened to me would my DC automatically go to their dad? There isn’t any chance they’d be taken in to care or anything??

Thanks.

They would go to their father unless he is a risk to them or he refused to take them. Even if you put a clause in your will for them to go elsewhere, if he challenged it it would be overturned.

Why wouldn’t they go to him?

They would go to their dad uNless he wouldn’t have them. My kids would go into care as their dad is absent, sad but true 😕

Thankyou @Ultimatecougar
He’s no risk to them at all. I was just checking. Thankyou

I'm assuming he has parental responsibility, but even if he doesn't the courts would still give them to him if the alternative was going into care. If he does already have parental responsibility the courts wouldn't need to get involved.

What were you thinking might happen? Amd to whom?

Are you okay OP?

Is everything okay? X

I hope you're ok OP

I’m fine thankyou. It’s just been playing on my mind this evening. 2 close female relatives have been diagnosed with breast cancer recently. My Grandma and Auntie have both already had it so I feel like it’s almost inevitable I’ll get it.

Even if your ex couldn’t take them for some reason it is likely that they could stay with your dp / a family member of yours / a family member of your exes.

Children’s services don’t want to take children into care. There is a shortage of foster carers, foster care is expensive, the outcomes for children are far poorer than if they stay with family and social workers are generally massively overworked. As long as your ex doesn’t open the door wearing his best “I like to feed children to my giant fish to worship the planet Zog” t-shirt the kids will be handed over to him and waved swiftly goodbye.

Thankyou to the people that asked if I’m ok. Sadly it made me quite teary, I can’t remember the last time anyone asked if I was ok x

In your will you can express wishes about where you would like them cared for. As exh he will have parental responsibility so they would usually go to him unless serious reason not to. Hope you are ok maybe worth speaking to your GP to reassure you.

Please make a will.

In the UK the court of protection should/would be involved to ensure children's ongoing welfare. I asked this question when I remarried. My kids don't spend much time with their Dad.

Get some good legal advice, write a will then forget about it and live life

I think you can get tested for the gene that makes people particularly susceptible to breast cancer - it's worth talking to your doctor about the family history and your concerns. I know someone who had an elective mastectomy, having lost both her mother and her sister to breast cancer.

Thanks, I’ll speak to my GP x

There was a programme on the bbc recently that featured a person who may carry the cancer brac1 (I think it was) gene, it's a simple blood test but they will offer counselling too. Definitely worth knowing because there's the option of preventative treatment like Angelina Jolie had, or increased check ups. My exh work on it, treatment is improving too.

Definitely make a will, it’s really important if you live in any kind of set up beyond a “married, no previous marriages, everything to be left to each other on the death of the first spouse, all assets under the inheritance tax threshold” scenario.

As soon as there are children from previous relationships you really need a will (and nominate guardians within the will) and that’s when you write a letter expressing your wishes to be kept with your will. Hopefully it will never be needed - but if it is, it’s there. You can outline anything you want to include around your children’s education and upbringing and so on as well.

My understanding is that the letter itself isn’t legally binding but there would need to be a very strong reason to go against nominated guardians in a will and if your ex is on the birth certificate he probably has parental responsibility anyway.

Sorry to hear this OP, it must be such a worrying time. Echoing previous PP that it might be worth talking to your GP & asking about the test for the specific carrier gene. My SIL did this & had an elective double mastectomy to significantly reduce her chances of getting cancer.

If something were to happen, it is extremely unlikely that your children would end up in care so please put that out of your mind

@Happycat1212 have you got any relatives or friends who would act as guardians for your DC if necessary?

Yes, they would go to their Dad but foster care is really not something to be fearful of these days. I know lots of foster carers and they are the most amazing people who are closely monitored.
Have you talked to their Dad to tell him how you feel and to check that he has no plans to relocate to the other side of the world anytime soon?
Do they see him for a day here and there or do they have they own rooms at his and spend part of their week there?
With regard to the breast cancer issue, you really should get the test to calculate your risk. You maybe dont have the faulty gene at all and then you would be worrying about nothing.

ineedaholidaynow

No I have 4 children so too many for anyone I know to take.

@Bluesardinia22

I’m fine thankyou. It’s just been playing on my mind this evening. 2 close female relatives have been diagnosed with breast cancer recently. My Grandma and Auntie have both already had it so I feel like it’s almost inevitable I’ll get it.

Both my mum and her sister had breast cancer which I thought would make me an almost dead cert for it....all have been tested and they both don't have the BRAC gene and neither do I. Sometimes shit luck is just shit luck to have two in the same family. Doesn't mean you're necessarily more likely to get it too. Get the test and that might help put your mind at rest.