How would you deal with this (next time?)

[BetterCallSully]

TLDR: I have multiple siblings ghosting me and my parents like a man after sex. And I'm getting the flack for feeling off about me letting them back in. WWYD next time it inevitably happens?

NC for obvious reasons. I have sibling(s) that disappear and go NC for zero reason. I'm not going to speculate on any underlying MH issues etc as they're not open people so could be anything. It annoys me though that everytime they reappear it's when it's in their interests and always with a "Hi! How are you?" rather than admitting they've just gone in the past with no explanation or reason and saying sorry I had something on. I'm quite forgiving

The problem is my parents both think that I'm 'mean' if I 'call them out' when they get in touch. By that I mean I send a message back saying, 'oh hi stranger! Where have you disappeared to for the last year? Laughing emoji' but apparently I'm not allowed to rock the boat

I'm also not allowed to bring it up at all. And if I do I'm 'causing an argument' or 'friction'. But tbh im fed up of them actually vanishing randomly, with no row or anything bad said, and popping off when they want something. It could be money, could be they know we can help them get ahead promotion wise, could be they want a house etc. Every time. Then they disappear.

I need to know what to do for next time. Because while I've always been quite 'MN' in my thinking and responses (pointed, but keeping the high ground), I'm always made out to be the one 'causing' problems

I hope this is clear, I'm on my phone and it's a really small box and probably just looks like a rant

Bumping in hope as I know it's going to happen soon

Block them?

Firstly ask yourself if you want to continue the relationships with your siblings. If yes and they reach out to you I'd wait a couple of weeks later before I'd reply, wouldn't mention the fact they hadn't been in touch for a year. If you don't want to stay in touch just mute them. If your parents say anything I'd just put is off "Oh yeah sorry, I meant to respond..." What I would do though is make sure I had other friends so I wasn't reliant on siblings.

'oh hi stranger! Where have you disappeared to for the last year? Laughing emoji'

I don't see anything wrong with this! You're not causing an argument or friction, you're asking a valid question.

It's a shame that your parents aren't uncomfortable with confrontation but that's their issue and doesn't mean you shouldn't ask questions that you want answers to.

I'd tell your parents that you are all adults and that they don't need to tell you how respond to your siblings, when they can't be bothered to call your siblings out themselves. Personally I wouldn't help your siblings out in any way, shape or form as they sound horrible. You have every right to call them out when they reappear. If your parents wish to continue being used by them, then that's up to them.

Maybe your parents are clueless as to how to help this situation and are discouraging you to call your siblings out in case you'd fall out and don't talk at all? Even then, I don't think I could leave the matter unsaid for long, whatever the consequence is.

Really poor behaviour form your siblings though, I'm not sure I could tolerate that. Especially the "popping up when needing something" bit.

@MintLampShade

Maybe your parents are clueless as to how to help this situation and are discouraging you to call your siblings out in case you'd fall out and don't talk at all? Even then, I don't think I could leave the matter unsaid for long, whatever the consequence is.

Really poor behaviour form your siblings though, I'm not sure I could tolerate that. Especially the "popping up when needing something" bit.

It's really horrible. Makes them seem like such users (which really they are, let's be honest!) But its me that gets the backlash when they vanish and it feels unfair. They're inevitably vanish. It will happen. If I say anything other than welcome them back as if they've ever been away it's my fault they've gone as I've 'rocked the boat' 'caused an argument' 'hurt their feelings' etc and I deal with the fallout. If they just leave then it's because they've got what they wanted and my parents just shrug and say oh that's just how they are

So if I say anything that let's them know they're out of line then it's me that gets it in the neck when they vanish. It makes me not want them to get in touch at all

@HardcoreParkour I've tried my absolute best with tone etc but nothing except passive rolling over is good enough

Personally I believe that if people make choices they made them for good enough reasons (for them) at the time, to own them, not just scuttle in and take something from someone they've blanked for months/years under this gift of a carrot of reconciliation and run off again. My parents (long divorced) both separately say things like 'water under the bridge' 'family is family' etc and continue to be hurt.

What hurts me is when I try and retract myself from letting these people hurt me but i get the hurt for being the trouble maker

IMHO the sort of text you are sending with the 'lighthearted' Hello stranger and the laughing emoji are passive-aggressive. They will annoy your sibling and you intend them to. You are having a dig rather than being honest about your feelings and saying 'where have you been? I was hurt/angry/worried when you weren't in touch for a year?

My own brother is a shocker for keeping in touch. He often goes 5/6 years at a time without communication. Then he reappears for a few weeks and then disappears again. Currently I haven't seen or heard from him for nearly 10 years. I've sent him a couple of cards and invitations but he has never responded. When and if he gets in touch again I will be welcoming because I would like to see him. You might call that passive but it's worth it to me to get to see my brother again. I love him despite his faults.

If I didn't want to see him I'd be very honest about the pain and hurt his disappearances cause knowing he'd disappear again. I'd still hurt and miss him but at least I would have said my piece.

Your texts aren't helping anything. They are are as much of a barrier to honest communication as your siblings disappearances are.

@Confusedandshaken

IMHO the sort of text you are sending with the 'lighthearted' Hello stranger and the laughing emoji are passive-aggressive. They will annoy your sibling and you intend them to. You are having a dig rather than being honest about your feelings and saying 'where have you been? I was hurt/angry/worried when you weren't in touch for a year?

My own brother is a shocker for keeping in touch. He often goes 5/6 years at a time without communication. Then he reappears for a few weeks and then disappears again. Currently I haven't seen or heard from him for nearly 10 years. I've sent him a couple of cards and invitations but he has never responded. When and if he gets in touch again I will be welcoming because I would like to see him. You might call that passive but it's worth it to me to get to see my brother again. I love him despite his faults.

If I didn't want to see him I'd be very honest about the pain and hurt his disappearances cause knowing he'd disappear again. I'd still hurt and miss him but at least I would have said my piece.

Your texts aren't helping anything. They are are as much of a barrier to honest communication as your siblings disappearances are.

You're right. My texts are PA. I dont like them or want them in my life so my choice would be to say you're rude and grabby and move on.

My problem lies with my own parents. Who blame me if I say anything like that and walk on eggshells around them. Its 'me' who has upset the siblings and why they are doining this to my parents iyswim.

The problem is my parents both think that I'm 'mean' if I 'call them out' when they get in touch. By that I mean I send a message back saying, 'oh hi stranger! Where have you disappeared to for the last year? Laughing emoji' but apparently I'm not allowed to rock the boat I'm also not allowed to bring it up at all. And if I do I'm 'causing an argument' or 'friction'.

You ARE allowed to - they don’t want you to. That’s different. Now is the time to say you’ve had enough. Next time a sibling reappears, either ignore or tell them straight you have no intention of being ignored for years and then tapped up for favours.

Your parents will inevitability do their usual, ‘But why are you making a fuss? Why can’t you just move on?’ routine, with all the usual words and phrases people like that use to make something your fault. But the fact that you know they will react like this is actually a bonus. You know your response will be ‘wrong’, whatever it is, so you may as well calmly say, ‘You’ve made your position on this VERY clear several times over the years. That’s up to you. MY position is that I’m not going to take this anymore’.

You have to grey rock the situation.
You have to have no expectations, don't be surprised, don't comment on the weirdness.

Your mistake, if you would think of it like that, is expecting a normal relationship with everyone. Accept that ship has sailed, and just do a totally bland response to anything that is said. Don't ask questions, that's an invitation to being told a sob story. Just a polite, not immediate recognition.

'Hi! How are you?'
'Not bad, thanks!'