Lack confidence, has anyone found therapy helpful?

[Wingsofleon]

I'm considering seeing a counsellor after being plagued by a lack of confidence my whole life and carrying a lot of emotional trauma.

I wish I could love myself as often as possible and not be so hard on myself.
In the past week I've been mistaken twice for a man by children. The same thing happened a few months back. I didn't think I looked particularly manly but perhaps I do.

I've had cosmetic treatments, started a new diet and try to take care of myself as much as possible so I hope this will make me feel better.
Some days I think I'm pretty, some days I look in the mirror and think I'm really nothing special, and I want to stop thinking that.

I wish I valued my opinions more. I'm too nervous to tell stories in front of groups of people, I hate everyone looking at me and having all the attention on me, I feel like my stories won't be interesting or of any value.

I wish that I could be more assertive and not worry that I'm being 'difficult' or unreasonable by having boundaries.

Not worrying that I'm dramatic because I'm not one of those people that is chilled out about everything all the time.

Not worrying that men prefer completely natural, nature loving girls who read a lot.

I just want to think that I'm great and that I matter, and not be so hard on myself all the time.

Has anybody found therapy to be successful for these matters? Thank you

What clothes were you wearing when mistaken for a man? It’ll be a clothes thing. I’d guess you were wearing a hoodie/baggy top, with jeans and sensible shoes?

Where did you get that bit about men preferring girls who read a lot?! Sine do, some don’t... You’re basing that on someone in particular - who is it?

I was wearing smart trousers and a jacket, you're right it was probably a clothes thing and maybe wearing a mask didn't help.

I don't know if it's really somebody in particular, just from what I've seen from friends and from what I've read, I may be totally wrong though and it's silly to make assumptions.

A good therapist is like a good pair of shoes; if they don’t fit you won’t walk far. I’m telling you this because not all therapists are created equal. Some just sit there and occasionally say ‘how did that make you feel?’ And although it’s helpful to release a great tide of hurt like lancing a boil, it’s not long lasting. Others are more constructive and give you stuff to think about.
Sounds like you have some childhood baggage that is weighing you down and maybe a therapist that specialises in that would be helpful. A good therapist will give you a free introductory short session. This gives you the opportunity to see if you can work with them.
No single therapist is ‘the one’. Sometimes you think you can work with one and then change your mind after two or three sessions. That’s perfectly fine. You are in the driving seat. Sometimes you will work with one for a while ,then stop and do other things while that work sinks in , then look for another to work on other stuff. It’s a work in progress so to speak.
One good thing about the pandemic is that there are far more therapists working online so you have a huge choice from all over the world. Read their web pages and see what chimes with you.
In the mean time, look up assertiveness training as it sounds to me like it would be helpful. Also you could try some of the guided meditations and self hypnosis sessions on YouTube, they can be quite cathartic, and free.
Good luck on your journey, you are brave to go looking for help. You do matter and you are important and you need to learn to change your internal dialogue. You can do it!

That is a very good point, thank you. I'll keep it in mind, thanks for your kind words.

Yeah but be prepared for it to take a long time and to progress unevenly.

Do you have short hair as well? I would try not to take anything children say personally, they can be extremely insulting, as well as being a man they'd probably estimate your age at at least 100!

I think you maybe just need to reframe your thinking a bit - you say you think sometimes you're 'nothing special' and that makes you feel bad. But why is it bad to be average looking?? If you met someone else that was average looking would you think less of them, think they weren't good enough? It's ok to just look ok and anyone who just judges you on your looks is only ever going to be a totally superficial bore anyway.

It sounds like you're an introvert and being an introvert in an extrovert valuing world can be hard and exhausting. Appreciate your introvertness, make people work to hear your stories, if they want to hear them then they need to listen. Talking of which I bet you're a great listener yourself - value the things you are good at, not everyone has to be a talker because where would they be without a listener?

No one is chilled out all the time and those things you don't feel chilled out about? Those are telling you where you need to put your boundaries. It just takes practice. Remember though some people just do not respect boundaries and those are people IMO it's best to distance yourself from.

As for worrying about what men prefer.....well......who gives a flying fuck?? Either they like you doing you or they're not the right person for you. It's taken me to 45 to work this all out (as an average looking introvert myself) but really life has never been better.

Counselling works really well for some people and not for others, it's very individual IMO. It's worth giving it a try though but get someone properly qualified, check out the bcap website. Remember too you don't have to be 'great' to matter, you can just be good.

Thank you, that's really helpful to read and I'll take it on board xx

EMDR is good for trauma, especially as PP said that just repetitively talking about something might make you feel a bit better for a small amount of time, you're not actually dealing with it. Talking therapy and CBT is probably not your best bet here.