Son hit someone at school

[Username172828]

My son is in y4 and is 8 years old. I had a phone call from his teacher today to say that he had been involved in an argument with about boy during a game of football and he hit him between the legs. He has never ever done something like this before and even the teacher was shocked. He has admitted to it and apologised to the other boy and both are apparently the best of friends today. He missed his breaktime as a punishment but I feel he needs to have another one at home. He know he is never allowed to be physical..especially hitting someone between the legs . He's a normal 8 year old..he does have the occasional attitude and strop but this is so out of the blue. Any advice in how to deal with this would be very appreciated

If it happened at school and he's been punished at school then, assuming that you've talked to him about how wrong it was, I don't think it needs another punishment.

Honestly, it was dealt with at school, he was punished, he accepted it and apologised. Maybe a word about other ways he can express his emotions other than hitting but I don't think another punishment will achieve much

If he seemed remorseful and has been punished at school perhaps that is enough? Missing a break beacuse he did something wrong at the previous break time seems sensible. Maybe just make it clear how disappointed you are and let him know if it happens again there will be a consequence at home too?

Don't overthink it or make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Just a conversation about how he should treat people as he would want to be treated and why its not an acceptable way to react. But tbh its not a big deal. I'm sure school have already expressed that. No need for punishment at home.

My 9 year old do exactly the same thing last week!
Apparently one of his class mates was irritating the shit out of him and wouldn't stop so DS1 lashed out and kicked him in the nuts.

Very out of character - Teacher emailed me, said they had dealt with it, so we spoke to him at home. I considered having him write a note of apology but thought better of it as he knows he shouldn't have done it and was contrite at school.

*did

I've had a talk with him and explained that it is OK to get angry but we don't hit. I'm sure why it has upset me so much. Just seems so out of character

I disagree. You need to make it very clear how unacceptable it is, even if that means disproportionate heavy chats and consequences for a first time offence. He needs to realise the gravity of it. My kids squabble and argue at times and I let them get on with it and have their own negotiations. If one of them gets physical, I immediately get involved, there are consequences, and they know it's not tolerated

He has had his punishment at school so I wouldn't give him a second one, however, I would definitely be having a chat about behaviour and different coping strategies for managing situations in which he becomes angry or annoyed, and outlining your own very clear rules in terms of behaviour whether he is at school, at home, on a playdate etc.

If he did it again (or anything along the same level) then I would probably include a home punishment as then he would not only have broken the school's rules but your own specific rules following the first incident.

I'd want to know why - has there been a lead up to it with this child?

How does he feel about it?

Not that that excuses it, but it might help you help him working out a way to help him manage his temper?

He has apologised and has been punished.

Why do you want to add more punishment ?

I think you need to talk and acknowledge what happened, but don't keep adding to his 'already served' punishment.

Eg Coping strategies he could consider include walking away, asking the teacher/adult in charge for help/intervention, agreeing to disagree, taking deep breaths, a trip to the toilet (as a chance to calm down).

It's not always OK to get angry TBH and I would avoid saying that directly. I know what you mean - that people feel angry at times but phrasing it as "OK to get angry" isn't ideal. Not trying to nit-pick but I'd focus on the feelings aspect.

@LoveIsAllThereIs

Good for you👏👏👏

@LoveIsAllThereIs

I disagree. You need to make it very clear how unacceptable it is, even if that means disproportionate heavy chats and consequences for a first time offence. He needs to realise the gravity of it. My kids squabble and argue at times and I let them get on with it and have their own negotiations. If one of them gets physical, I immediately get involved, there are consequences, and they know it's not tolerated

I think we are the only people on here who think this is unacceptable. My son had this happen to him and I was furious, made me wonder about the child in question who thought it was acceptable to kick someone between the legs. Luckily the school teacher understood this is terrible and it was reported higher up, possibly because of previous behaviour.

It can cause damage to the person kicked, it's not the same as a tackle in football, it's a clearly off limits area.
I'd be absolutely furious if any of my children did this.

I remember doing this at school during a game of netball in yr 6! I whacked another girl because she was being a pain. I said sorry, my mum spoke to me about not hitting people, the school made me write an apology.

I haven’t hit anyone since and turned out fine.

If it’s a one off, he’ll be fine. Kids have to make mistakes and learn. You don’t need to do any more.

@Dreamponytail

Eg Coping strategies he could consider include walking away, asking the teacher/adult in charge for help/intervention, agreeing to disagree, taking deep breaths, a trip to the toilet (as a chance to calm down).

It's not always OK to get angry TBH and I would avoid saying that directly. I know what you mean - that people feel angry at times but phrasing it as "OK to get angry" isn't ideal. Not trying to nit-pick but I'd focus on the feelings aspect.

That's a better way of phrasing it. Thank you.. I want him to acknowledge his feelings and have the right actions for these if that makes sense.

@Username172828

I've had a talk with him and explained that it is OK to get angry but we don't hit. I'm sure why it has upset me so much. Just seems so out of character

I get this OP. A few months ago I found a video clip that DD had recorded on her iPad saying mean things about her friends. I actually cried that my lovely little girl (same age as your son) could be so mean. We had words, but it really shocked me.

You're welcome OP. Depending on how the conversation is going (and after the clear rule-outlining, that's the priority) I would also show him how to do deep breathing and also possibly also think about doing some role-play where you model asking for help from the adult in charge, so he has a reference for the kind of words he could use. "Ask for help" is very generic, so practising a sentence together that would feel natural for him to say would be helpful (ie "X and me are arguing and it is making me feel sad/angry", or whatever.) Or "X, I don't agree with you so I'm going to walk away".

My basic very simple rule to remember was always that they had to keep their hands and feet to themselves, ie that they cannot kick or strike in anger. On top of that, no name-calling, not to me, friends, siblings etc. Mine definitely have their moments and can certainly argue, but any form of demeaning name-calling or being personal about people (re things like hair, clothes, weight, intelligence) has never been part of the arguments from day 1, I really dislike it. It's a cheap shot and a bad habit to grow into.

I wouldn't punish him at home as well as it has been felt with at school. I would talk to him about it though.

Oops just saw your up date. Really should read more before posting 🤦‍♀️

In yr 4 my son tells me it common to pretend to hit someone 'in the nuts'. So if your situation happened in our school I'd be more surprised at the teacher not knowing this is a thing.

I wouldn't punish him again as such but an apology letter is a great idea imo x

@Tal45

I wouldn't punish him again as such but an apology letter is a great idea imo x

He has already apologised and he and the other boy are buddies again 🌺

It gets worse . He just tried to punch his father after he tried to get him off a game he was playing. We are never ever violent in this home and I can't believe he has done this. I've kept calm and explained why this is not acceptable and he's gone to his room but I feel he is showing no remorse and his only concern is going back on his game.