It’s hard to have perspective on these things when you’ve lived it for so long. I think I had an emotionally abusive childhood.
Main points:
- when my mother found out my dad was sleeping with another woman, she told me and asked me to keep it a secret. I was 5, maybe 6. I told my cousin who was a year younger who shared it with her parents and it got back to my mother. She completely blew it, woke me up with a slap and told me and punished me for breaking the secret
- she always wanted to choose my clothes. I was only allowed to choose my own clothes if she decided the events were ‘my’ events rather than ‘hers’ ie ones we attended as a family. She would become very angry and upset if I challenged her on this, reminding me of how hard she worked and how much she had sacrificed for me and that it wasn’t a big ask. I normally complied.
- she took complete control of our wedding plans including the guest list. We had around 100 guests and only 25 of those were allowed to be our friends. She justified this by offering to pay. It wasn’t really an offer. We had no choice.
- the morning after our wedding, I woke up to learn that she had opened all of our wedding cards and removed all of the cash gifts and planned to keep this. When I grew upset at this, I was shouted at and criticised and made to feel extremely guilty. The justification was that this was so that she could match the gifts to those people. When I said we were planning to use the gifts as a couple for our house furnishings she very begrudgingly agreed but I was made to feel very unreasonable.
- in arguments growing up, petty things like me wanting to test the boundaries as teenagers do, I was told how ungrateful and selfish I was, reminded of her traumatic birth with me and told I was just like my father. Religion was also used to justify this.
- just before my a level exams, she wanted to go on holiday but didn’t want to bring her elderly mother with her, my grandmother. My grandmother needed round the clock care and was suffering with early stage Alzheimer’s. I said I wanted to concentrate on my studies and that I couldn’t care for my gran as well. A huge argument ensued. I was told that this was selfish and wrong as my mum worked so hard and the very least I could do to repay her was to take care of my grandmother. I agreed. My grandmother ended up having up having a stroke and needing hospital admission. I remember calling mum that night and telling her, I was very much just expected to just get on and deal with things. I didn’t drive and I was expected to visit my grandmother in hospital daily. It was a bank holiday weekend so buses were cancelled and I ended up walking the 6 mile round trip everyday. This was just expected and seen as my duty.
The timeline with the above is a bit off and there are more incidents but it is only very recently, now that I am a parent, that I’m beginning to think this is abusive. I was very very scared of my mum and still am. Especially as I now work with children and know about safeguarding and am also a parent myself, I wonder why nobody saw the signs with me and did something to help. My brother still lives in this household and I worry for him. I am considering cutting ties for the safety of my children. Is this the right thing to do? My husband has used the term abuse before and I’ve always dismissed it as too extreme and that my mother is just a bit of a nightmare and unpredictable but now I’m wondering if he’s right?