To ask how to be a better mum?

[Notanaturalm]

I see other women and it seems to come so naturally to them, that hasn't been the case for me. Other people seem to have their shit together whereas I just muddle through and struggle alot of the time.

I didn't have great role models growing up, my DM was depressed and inpatient so I don't have lots of happy family memories or a template to follow. Naively I didn't realise how much the parenting provisions I had would impact my parenting in later life.

My children are fed, clean and loved but I wouldn't say I have my shit together and I do have fluctuating depression which means I'm not always the most fun parent and I struggle with some of the basics like the nursery run.

We don't have set routines other than nursery on certain days and dinner at the same time every afternoon. I'd like for the children to have things to look forward to.

I get a bit overwhelmed sometimes and wonder why I can't be like other mums, the mumsy ones who enjoy cooking/baking/crafting/bedtime stories and feel comfortable going to baby and toddler groups.

The days all blend into one most of the time but I want to give them a better childhood than I had.

What do you think makes a good mum? Can you help me make some changes?

Chill! you are doing great! We are all struggling anyway. being a mum means being guilty. Always.

Half of us can't be arsed with craft and messy play.
Playgroups are just there to occupy your kids, give them different toys and take away the stress from you.

My routine was: leave the kids be whilst I am doing all the chores (they can "help" if they want)

then go out in the morning (it would be easier if playgroups had reopened, but we are getting there)
Sometimes supermarket, sometimes shops, errands etc..

Home, lunch, nap - most days I would just put mine in the buggy and walk, grabbing a coffee on the way. Nothing gets done, but it's good to exercise and sleeping in fresh air is good for them.

Afternoon take kids to playground or walk.

home, independent play when I am making diner, put away laundry...

I tried to have bath BEFORE or AFTER diner, it really depends on child.

diner.
reading. bed.

That was our day unless I was meeting friends.

That’s a really tough age 3 & 1.7 they need constantly watching and it can feel endless. Dry messy stuff can be easer bag of dry pasta to play with and some pots and scales. A paint brush and tub of water go paint the steps/ bricks/ paving slabs 🤣mine loved that stuff. Riping up newspaper & scrunching it’s in shapes. I also spent a lot of time walking around (I got exercise) with them in buggy’s and just stopping in parks to run around sit on a blanket. All low cost stuff but just hanging out. I’d walk to the shops instead of drive so that it became a ‘trip’ out.. can you meet other parents for a walk & coffee on a bench now? I’ve seen a lot more doing that now which is lovely as there’s suddenly lots of toddlers about and I thought the other day how flipping hard it’s been for parents of young children cooped up at home. It’s been hard enough for us with older kids but at least they can amuse themselves for a part of the day. Hang in there it does get easier (or at least different issues to handle) I think after age 4+

I agree with some PPs who said that nursery will give them lots of opportunities for messy play/crafts/organised fun. At home, my children mainly just want me to be present. If I can be around when they are playing (ie not busy doing the washing or cooking or tidying or on my phone) nearby, that’s what they like best. They also quite like me to watch tv with them. Sit with them, read a magazine, do a crossword or something that you can pick up/put down easily, and just be there. I think it gives them comfort to know I’m there to chat to them or help them if they get stuck.

Baking - I started this with them when they were about 2. It took at least a year for it to go from a stressful, messy experience to being quite enjoyable and for them to start learning and helping. I’d still rather do it on my own though!

Unless it’s out in the garden, messy crafts at home aren’t worth it because it’s max 10 mins of enjoyment and 30 mins of setting it up and cleaning it up.

Someone recommended to me The Five Minute Mum for quick crafts, although I admit I haven’t looked it up yet.

So many kind replies thank you all (and solidarity to those of you who can relate to my OP and feel the same)

I do think it's my depression talking when I get so down on myself like this as depressed people do tend to think they're failing at things and being crap at life, don't they?

I'm a very huggy mum, the children both get plenty of cuddles/kisses and I'm always the first to pick them up if they take a tumble or graze their knees etc. I think in that respect I'm definitely doing alot better than my DM did with me.

When we go to the play park I always feel like I don't fit in with the other mums there so I don't have the confidence to strike up a conversation. It's crap really because I'm actually lonely and would love to have some mum friends / friends for my children.

I watch things like The Baby Club and The Toddler Club on CBBC and see people like
Giovanna Fletcher as mum goals

In my house hugging. I try to look after my kid well. I do the basics - food, warmth, clean clothes, comfortable house/bedding. On top of that I try to do a weekend outing (Covid permitting). We aren’t short of money but free places, picnics and outside play are generally favourite (weather permitting). We do do cinema, swimming, trampolining, zoo but these are less frequent and I generally don’t think my DD has got her money’s worth from the more expensive stuff. Swimming being the exception.
A bucket of water in the garden is good fun!

But the one thing I’m very careful to do is to hug and chat with my kid a few times a day. It tends to stop me from nagging. I can get very focussed on achieving the days goals and a stop for a hug grounds me and sometimes reminds me that we don’t NEED to move on to the next activity if DD is still enjoying the current one!

My kids are fed clean and loved and every now and again I make an effort to make them laugh which is easy with a 1 and 5 year old it's a tickle or fart joke or say bum bum in a silly silly voice , and the sound of their laughter is enough for me to think I'm doing ok .... as soon as you express a desire to be a good mum - you instantly are ! Just simply by wanting to do better than your bad role model , don't be so hard on yourself , what do YOU enjoy? Play your favourite piece of music to your kids and dance around , then sit down and have a coffee because you will be knackered
Messy play is nice but not necessary every week,
My mum was critical and depressive too but I have fond memories of her doing really mundane things such as cooking the dinner cleaning the loo and just sitting on the sofa ... you don't need to be an instagram sensation of a mum to be loved
Block social media from your life it will increase you mental well-being enormously

Also OP I would say even if your son does destroy books, I’d persevere with them. There is such a reverence over looking after books but in reality they are cheap and easily replaced. The main message we get from school is to read with your children so I think having them on hand is a good idea.

I run a toddler group (can’t wait to get back to it, it’s mainly just an excuse to meet up with friends!) and we do crafts every week but the adults always agree we’d never do these sort of things in our own homes 😂. Glitter does not cross the threshold.

Instead of trying to be super mum, why not just focus on " being a good-enough parent". Gives you plenty of leeway, and you've got a head start on being "good enough" because you know some mistakes your parents made.

 We all  make mistakes, nobody is perfect.   DH and I both   knew , and   were determined not to replicate the worst mistakes of my/his  parents, and (mostly)   didn't. 

I made (and perhaps still make ) my own parenting mistakes instead. So did he.

When I recognise I'm doing it wrong I own my mistakes, and try not to keep making the same ones over and over again. Sometimes I manage it. That's about the best we can aim for.

You sound like a lovely mum, keep going!

When we go to the play park I always feel like I don't fit in with the other mums there so I don't have the confidence to strike up a conversation.

some mums are already friends don't forget.

You don't have to do anything, just smile at them. Some will smile back, maybe start chatting.

Do not take anything personally! Other mums are struggling, feel judged, are exhausted, rushed, stressed. So if they are not that pleasant, just give them the benefit of the doubt and leave it at that.

I think taking an interest in your children and working to your strengths goes a long way.

I like reading so I always offer that as an activity. I take them to the library but it is a like a gameshow where I have 5 minutes to get in and out and crash tackle the toddler a few times for good measure.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to provide wonderful experiences for children but little ones don't care. I once took my eldest to the aquarium just to run through it as it was too scary . Some of the things my DD has loved are just hanging around the house and setting her up with a bowl of soapy water to wash dishes (just Tupperware etc) while I wash dishes.

I think your happiness is super important to being a good mum and everyone feels they can do better and everyone cocks it up sometimes. But sometimes you have wonderful moments too.