To ask how to be a better mum?

[Notanaturalm]

I see other women and it seems to come so naturally to them, that hasn't been the case for me. Other people seem to have their shit together whereas I just muddle through and struggle alot of the time.

I didn't have great role models growing up, my DM was depressed and inpatient so I don't have lots of happy family memories or a template to follow. Naively I didn't realise how much the parenting provisions I had would impact my parenting in later life.

My children are fed, clean and loved but I wouldn't say I have my shit together and I do have fluctuating depression which means I'm not always the most fun parent and I struggle with some of the basics like the nursery run.

We don't have set routines other than nursery on certain days and dinner at the same time every afternoon. I'd like for the children to have things to look forward to.

I get a bit overwhelmed sometimes and wonder why I can't be like other mums, the mumsy ones who enjoy cooking/baking/crafting/bedtime stories and feel comfortable going to baby and toddler groups.

The days all blend into one most of the time but I want to give them a better childhood than I had.

What do you think makes a good mum? Can you help me make some changes?

How many dc do you have and how old are they?

@InDubiousBattle

How many dc do you have and how old are they?

I have two, they're 3 and 1.7

Still very young so there's time for me to make changes but I often feel like time is just passing by and we're all missing out on enjoying the early years if that makes any sense?

We did some messy play this morning for the first time, using sand, rice, pasta and shaving foam and they loved it.

What struck me is that it's the first time I've ever done anything like that with them, it didn't come naturally and that makes me feel sad.

Don't get me wrong I interact with them plenty, but I'm not a very fun mum

I think you sound like a great mum!

I hate playing with my kids. I love them and will chat and sometimes play board games with them. But any sort of Make believe or whatever, I’m out. Toddler groups etc, I went to to make friends and chat with other adults.

You just need to be a ‘good enough’ mum.
The whole ‘perfect mum’ baking and crafts thing can be deceptive on social media and does not reflect the reality of day to day life.
The nursery run is a nightmare and has broken all of us at some time or another.
The daily grind of life, especially at the moment, makes all of us feel like ‘life is just passing’ at times.
Be kind to yourself. I’m sure you’re doing fine.

It's not all about doing craft and baking. Tbh I seldom did it with my kids when small as we were in a 2 bed flat that was already messy and I had no patience for it! But I never felt that made me a bad mum - I think you are doing much better than you think.

I’m not very arty or crafty or bake... I think that’s what nursery is for!!’ 🤣 lots of my friends are and seem to teach their kids letters and numbers etc. Which I also don’t do. Not because I’m lazy but I feel like this is for school and pre school.

Do you have some spare money to plan days trips when they are allowed? To a local zoo etc?’picnics at a beach (if you live near one). I think life experiences and getting them out and about to see new things is key, IMO.

When you’re feeling annoying with them, make sure they are safe, go into a different room
And count to 10. I always regret snapping at mine, but it’s easily done. Especially after this year of hell

It's hard to say without knowing your children's ages and what it is you think you're not doing 'right'. You say they're fed, clean and loved so it sounds like you're nailing the fundamentals!

I've only got a young baby but I've been to some groups when I could and I've enjoyed doing the lsd sensory play thing and cooking for her and reading to her etc. I imagine I'll quite like the baking and craft stuff as she gets older as I enjoy it with nieces and nephews pre covid and I'm an early years teacher so have a few tricks up my sleeve. But then other times I can't be bothered with the faff or the mess already so I'm sure that will continue to happen. Theres already been more screen time than I ever thought I'd allow and there are definitely times I find it tedious and repetitive even though at other times I'm loving it.

I feel quite an overwhelming pressure to be a perfect mum and huge anxiety about 'getting it wrong' - its only coming from me though, not anywhere else and not from my daughter. I wonder if it's similar for you- you're almost wanting to make up for what you didn't have by providing it for your children and beating yourself up for not reaching some imaginary standard? But if your children are safe and loved and fed and clean I'm pretty sure they will think you're perfect already. Maybe not the perfect mum but the only one your children need.

I wouldn't say my mum was a perfect mum by any stretch and theres definitely things I'd do differently to her. Of the things you listed she maybe did a bit of baking occasionally. I don't have particularly fond memories of wonderful activities as a child and it was very much a case of me fitting in around the adult's lives. But I knew I was loved and I do have happy memories too. And my mum and I grew closer as I got older, in some ways she was a far better mum to me as an adult than as a child- she was genuinely amazing then and now she's gone I miss her every day and feel lucky to have had her. It's a relationship like any other, it evolves and changes and you might find your better at some bits than others or with some ages than others.

I think regular reading to small children is really important. Let them take turns choosing a book to read - if there is one they love then see if there are more by the same author - mine loved all the Meg and Mog books and also the Alfie and Annie Rose ones.
Bath them together- lots of bubbles and bath toys. Sit on the loo seat and chat to them.

Also if you have outdoor space a bird feeder is great fun.

Bear in mind most of the stuff you see in public is Mums on their best behaviour, people rarely Instagram themselves crying in the toilet after their kids have spent the day fighting. :)
Fed, clean and loved is a big deal. Don't let yourself diminish the constant effort you put into it. Reading a book before bedtime is consistently linked with good outcomes both educationally and socially, so try for that if you can.
Do you have hobbies or interests you can share? Do you like listening to music, or art, or walking? Cooking? Kids love to be involved, it doesn't have to be kid stuff. Learning to make toast or cook baked beans is much fun to them as the more arty efforts. My two loved decorating their own pizzas.
Maybe try adding to the routine a bit, if you need to tick off something to feel better about how you are parenting. You could let them pick, or choose a vague topic (let's build Lego etc) and go with it.
If it's any help, I also struggled with the baby/toddler stage and hated the groups - found messy play a NIGHTMARE as I hate my space getting messed up. I found the kids got a lot more interesting and fun as they got older and now I really enjoy their company (7 and 5).

Thank you all, I appreciate your replies and kindness.

I think comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. People only tend to post the highlights on social media but when I'm seeing people I know doing all of these fun activities I do feel inadequate.

We get out to the park now and then when the weather permits and I play with them with their toys sometimes, they ask me for help with puzzles and we do that.

My eldest has special needs so day trips can be difficult bordering on unbearable sometimes, we've tried things like the aquarium and the zoo but he struggles with the crowds.

I hold my hands up to the fact they probably spend alot more time on their tablets than they should be doing

Its a relief to read that I'm not the only 'unmumsy' mum!

There are no perfect parents. We are all just muddling through.

I have been a decidedly average parent, but my 15yo dd is bloody amazing and we have a brilliant relationship, so I am living proof that you don't need to even be close to being a perfect parent in order to raise a decent human being!

I think the most important things are to make sure that their physical and emotional needs are met. Give them unconditional love and treat them with the respect that you would like them to show you in return. Be open and honest with them. Try to really listen and see the world from their perspective. Explain stuff instead of just telling them what to do. And always apologise when you get it wrong - it's good for them to know that you're a flawed human being who is just trying your best.

I'm not a very mumsy mum. I don't do baking or messy play indoors.
I did find a watertable outside and taking my toddler out was what he loved most.

So we go to the playpark etc.
At home we have a blackboard and chalk and also the water paint books (it's water) which he enjoys. Mostly I find he enjoys whatever if I'm interacting so draw what he asks or encourage with him doing it.
He's happy and enjoys it.

I don't think you have to be all singing all dancing messy play type mum for your children to have fun. Just interact and not have them watch cbeebies all day.

Im sure you are doing just fine, dont beat yourself up. As mums esp we all feel guilty , I do most days! We arent always naturally good at playing with kids, there is no training or preparation for it? Fed, clothed and loved is the good base, do what you can but dont beat yourself up about it please x

You sound like a good mum

Reading is a good one, I can definitely make a point of reading to them more.

They both love books but my eldest has a tendency to destroy every single one he gets his hands on so they're kept out of the way.

I bet my life savings they think you are the very best mum.

Do not beat yourself up. If you find something you all enjoy, do more of it. Summer is on its way so picnics, anywhere you feel happy is a good thing to do.

Just give yourself 5 mins in the evening to watch them while they sleep and marvel at what you have achieved. Loved children who love you. Everything thing else is just a bonus.

Tbh, OP, asking how you can be a better mum is actually a really good start. It shows that you have humility and self awareness, a desire to do the very best for your kids and a willingness to make changes to your approach as required. Honestly, I think those qualities go a really long way.

Just wanted to give a quick solidarity post, ur initial post is how I feel too! Similar age kids, all the other mums seem so together and have good friendship circles. I know 1 person with a child, they live quite far away. Its very isolating. Ur not alone! 💐

@Notanaturalm we have a lot of card books which reduces destruction capabilities.

I'm not as "good" a mum as I would like to be, but I have made some definite choices to do things differently to what i grew up with, for example my children are hugged every day and I make sure they feel loved, and they are fantastic kids despite tablet use being more than I would like, and more "ping" dinners than i would like.

They are fantastic kids. I'm currently quite poorly with depression and anxiety, and trying to accpet that I am "good enough" not only at parenting but at life and do you know what? Thats enough. I would bet my bottom dollar you are ten times the mum you think you are and you are doing fab.

Sorry cross posted I didn't see your post with more details and ages. Also sorry for typos and random auto corrects- I'm trapped beneath a napping baby on a cracked phone!

You sound like a lovely mum. One of my best friends is a mum I aspire to be like and her daughter is the brightest, most confident and secure little girl you could picture. I asked my friend something to do with messy play the other day because I just imagined she'd have been the sort to do it but she was like 'god no that's what nursery is for'

I actually think there's this HUGE emphasis on messy and sensory play at the moment. Pretty sure my mum had never heard of it and wouldn't have entertained the extra cleaning involved even if it had. Yes of course as an EY teacher I see the value and of course theres amazing fun to be had with shaving foam and cooked pasta etc. But it's not the be all and end all. Theres just as much value in them helping to fold laundry or pair socks or letting them jump in leaves or dance round the kitchen to the radio or whatever.

A good person to follow if you're after ideas is play hooray on instagram and I think Facebook too. Lots of simple ideas with stuff you may already have lying around. She's evangelical about play but also realistic about the fact that she does it because it's her passion and now her business and even she has days when she just can't summon up the enthusiasm. You could maybe pick one thing that you like the look of and give it a go, if it goes well you might want to try another the following week.

Theres also a bbc account called tiny happy people and has some good things on and a suggested 'timetable'of activities but they are things like play peekaboo or look at some flowers or whatever - helps you see the value in the small, low effort things.

Firstly OP, give yourself a break- it’s been lockdown and you sound like you have depression. Cut yourself some slack.

The fact you’re on here asking for help implies you’re already a good Mum.

Secondly- see your GP. I’ve finally had a proper diagnosis of PND nearly two years after giving birth! I’m getting therapy and antidepressants. If your GP doesn’t believe you (often they don’t if you’re not struggling to get out of bed each day) then keep trying a different GP until you get more help. That will immediately make things better. You won’t be as irritable or snappy if you get your depression addressed; also make sure you limit your own screen time and go to bed early.

Then- stop comparing yourself to others. I like to think I’m a good Mum- we take DS out twice a day to the park (and outings pre Covid) and make sure he gets hot, healthy meals and a good nap and regular bath, stories and bed. But we don’t do loads of messy play at home or baking. We live in a small house and it’s not practical.

He does messy and sand play at nursery and the park. Do you qualify for free childcare? If so, can your DC go to nursery for a few days a week? That would give you a break and give them more varied activities. Then what you can concentrate on is being happy and fun with them, eating nice food and reading stories.

Story time can be anytime, it doesn’t need to just be bed time. When libraries reopen you can all join for free- bring books home and read them together.

Go out somewhere each day and take a ball and a picnic, the local park is fine. Look for toddler groups reopening soon and make sure you do set bed and nap times. Be loving and responsive, limit screen time.

That’s more than enough.

Also try giving them half an hour of your undivided attention no screens no distractions doing whatever they want - just half an hour from your day can have a huge impact on them and you can then feel a bit better if the rest of the day is a bit less than ideal. I read that somewhere and it definitely felt like something I need to remember and keep up my sleeve to take pressure off as mine gets bigger.