What do I do? Is there any hope for my marriage?

[namechange123779]

More of a what do I do than AIBU Everyone thinks my husband is laid back and lovely, everyone teachers, parents, friends, co workers etc etc etc

I don't know what to do, my life is so hard, he does nothing around the house without massive pushing from me, all aspects of life admin are in my court, I work 4 days he's full time he earns more than me so he does provide financially .

Even pre lockdown we have got in to a cycle where I try to engage with him over something I'm not happy with and as soon as I start he interrupts me with 'stop shouting' ( at this point I'm not shouting) every sentence I try to say is interrupted with 'stop shouting ' until I loose my shit and normally end up telling him to fuck off.

We are getting no where, I feel he is taking my voice and knows that I have fair points & in stifling what I'm trying to say doesn't have to deal with what I'm actually saying, he refers to me as shouty angry XXXX

This morning I called him out on passive aggressive comments his response was 'I don't think you know what that means'

I genuinely do not know what to do anymore, I don't know that remote counselling would work as we have 3 teenagers in the house so privacy is limited. Our means of communication are completely broken can I fix this or do I leave now before it gets worse?

I feel on a very slippery slope here , I don't like how I'm behaving in response to his actions but I know I'm right and for once I don't want to apologise to keep the peace , or move on for the sake of the kids,

Sorry OP, this sounds very miserable for you. What are your teenagers doing to help you BOTH around the house? They should be doing regular chores, not expecting mum and dad to take care of all the housework as well as bringing in the money.

Can I suggest you make a full list of chores that you can delegate easily? (I'm guessing you'd rather look after the bills.) Then have a round-table discussion with your teens without their father present. Tell them you need them to step up, and by the way, it's good for them to learn important life skills such as running a household! Do any of them like cooking? If so, can you encourage them? What about car washing and vacuuming in return for weekend use of your (not his) car? Who does the laundry? Stop doing H's laundry. Let him do it himself.

As for your H, he's clearly backed you into a corner. He sounds like he likes riling you up. Do you still love him? You don't sound all that compatible, tbh. If you're under Covid restrictions it will be difficult (tho not impossible) for you to leave. But could you start detaching yourself emotionally? Be polite, be cool, give him minimal attention, delegate the chores, get some leisure time and put your energy into your own interests -- which may or may not include plans for moving out at some stage.

He sounds condescending and controlling, shutting you down when you try to communicate.

I do all life admin (DH is dyslexic and struggles) which can be a tough/lonely responsibility but I couldn't be with someone that I couldn't communicate with. My DH definitely pulls his weight in other ways and is a huge support.

Do you feel respected and appreciated by your DH?

He's clever isn't he ?
Uses really good one liners to shut you up and grind you down.
He doesn't care about your feelings or he'd listen to what you say.
Read up on shield of shame. His response is to get angry, minimise ,divert on to you and lie. This is what some people do when they're wrong. It's not good.
Doesn't he give you the MN ick? How can you continue having a relationship with someone who puts you down like that and treats you with contempt

Stop doing his ‘wifework’ and facilitating his lack of support. Don’t cook and he’ll understand soon enough. Say you’re too busy with x but there’s some soup in a tin. Don’t iron his shirts or do his little jobs.

Don’t get into nagging. Ask him whether he’d like to hoover or cook supper. Don’t make the bed until he’s there getting ready to sleep and tell him you can’t manage it on your own.

Thank when he does something. Does he do ‘man jobs’? Taking bins out, clearing gutters, mowing lawn, cleaning windows etc? Sometimes that balances the workload without it being obvious it’s doing so.

All else fails arrange to go away for a couple of days for something unavoidable and let him understand what needs doing.

Write down your complaints
(Not shouting then)
Do not budge from them - do not engage - make clear you want changes and for him to engage.
Give him examples of what you do and what you want him to take over
Explain you won’t be project managing this. It will be his responsibility.
Then see what he does.
If he doesn’t budge it’s over. He will probably try to get you to engage so he can make you seem unreasonable or get you to lose your rag.
You repeat calmly what you have written down
In future do it like this. He will realise his teenage games don’t work and pull his weight or show you his real colours
Either way you’ll know and the burden will be on him

He might also think - as he works more hrs and earns more money - that he gets to shirk all responsibility
Get him to use his big words, leave the ball in his court.
If he makes points that are fair, listen

You can't fix this on your own. It is only fixable if you are both willing to put the work in. It doesn't sound like he is, and if that is the case you are wasting your time. You could try one last time to speak to him, but I think you know how that would go.

Leave him. He has no respect for you. Go while the teens are young enough to stay with you. Staying is death by a thousand cuts.

Is your husband generally a confident person? Has he always resisted attempts to discuss issues? Is it only about issues where he might be required to make more effort in some aspect of you lives? Has he always been like this, has it changed over time or have you become increasingly aware of it? Has he always left you to manage everything at home?

Some people can act like a deer in the headlights if they feel they are required to find solutions but don't have any. Although that does reflect their assumption that they will find solutions rather than engaging in a conversation where both parties explore the issues and options and make a decision together.

However it does sound as if your husband is trying to shut down any conversation. I would be very careful about counselling if he is accusing you of shouting just by starting a conversation, you could end up feeling its your fault and walking on eggshells. Counseling also requires both parties to commit to it and it sounds as if your husband would be happy if you could just pretend to be. You can only fix the communication problem if you agree it is indeed a shared problem, from what you've written it looks like he thinks communication would be fine if you'd just be quiet.

Telling him to fuck off unfortunately reinforces his point of view, regardless of the maddening behaviour which provoked the response. Be careful that this might be intentional on his part.

The different public and private personalities would also give me pause, he's capable of projecting a good public image but the mask slips when he's dealing with you.

If your husband is simply a poor communicator and acknowledges that then he could work to improve it, however, if his behaviour is intended to control then it's abusive and I don't think you can fix that. My impression is it's the latter.

I couldn’t live like this. He doesn’t care how you feel or have any interest in what you have to say if it is something he doesn’t like. He sounds horrid to be honest. I don’t say this lightly but I would consider leaving. You can’t be with someone who won’t communicate.

Has he always done nothing around the house? My 4 year old has to manages to set the table and put away her own folded clothes, with supervision for now. How long has this been going on?

With 3 teenagers in the house you should be able to go into a room and shut the door and tell them not to disturb you unless there is an emergency eg house is in on fire or someone has serious injury. They are not babies. If you want to try and save the marriage I would calmly tell your husband that things aren’t working and you think you should try joint counselling to save it. If you can’t say this to him calmly then write a letter.