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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving my husband

32 replies

Whatatodo20 · 23/03/2021 06:47

I’ve name changed for this for obvious reasons. After 11 years together, I realise that I need to leave my husband. I need to leave my husband. I’ve given myself a year to get some cash together so that me and my DD will be able to buy and move somewhere. I’ve been looking at LISA - can anyone with any knowledge tell me if they are worth putting money in to? I’ve been looking online and they all seem to say that they are stocks and shares and my money will be at risk? Where is the best place to open one?

I know that there is a a different forum for this but I’m posting here for traffic.

OP posts:

LakieLady · 23/03/2021 07:10

I'd post on the money matters forum as well, OP, there are some very savvy people on there. Or look on Money Saving Expert.

The 25% free money from the government will be hard to beat, and it would have to be a massive crash to wipe out 25% of stock values. The funds will presumably be spread across a wide range of things, to reduce the risk.

Bear in mind that if you need to withdraw money for anything other than buying a property, there's a 20% withdrawal charge. If things got really intolerable and you needed that money to set yourself up in a rental, you'd lose most of your gain.

But with interest rates so low, I can't see how you'll do better.

HugeAckmansWife · 23/03/2021 07:14

You need specialist advice also. How can you protect your savings in the event of a split from him claiming half? Just because they are in your name, that doesn't mean they won't be marital assets. I'm absolutely not qualified to give legal advice but I have been divorced twice and it can get v v nasty. Is there a relative or v trusted friend who would hold the money for you? How much are we talking about?

Eekay · 23/03/2021 07:19

Can you see an accountant and a solicitor without being found out? That way you'll have an absolutely solid plan. Good luck.

Cassilis · 23/03/2021 07:25

Original poster

Whatatodo20 · 23/03/2021 07:29

Thank you everyone. He’s the type to not give me a penny but not come after my money if that make sense. The money would be solely used for a deposit so I would be putting it all through, mortgage etc and then go.

I don’t have any family and my friends wouldn’t feel comfortable holding the money for me.

I’ve looked on MSE and they are very pro LISA’s, it’s where I got the idea from but the thought of saving every penny only for it then to be taken away has scared me completely. I suppose it would still work if I opened one, saved it in an accessible account then put the £4K in there wouldn’t it? I will post in the other forum as well @LakieLady

@HugeAckmansWife, there’s nothing decent yet but I start a new job shortly and everything extra will be going in there. In about 12 months, I’ve estimated about £9k then I should be able to get a 5% mortgage. My husband has houses but they’re not in my name.

Thank you everyone for your help

OP posts:

Easterbunnygettingready · 23/03/2021 07:31

His houses are still a marital asset...

Cassilis · 23/03/2021 07:34

You need a good solicitor, OP. You have a DD and have been married 11 years so should go after a share of the properties, pensions an savings.

Why do you think you deserve so little? Do it for your DD's sake if not your own.

HugeAckmansWife · 23/03/2021 12:07

Please do not rely on him 'not being the type' to do whatever. All bets are off once you split. My ex turned into a complete stranger and still behaves on ways I simply do not recognise. It's very common.

An0n0n0n · 23/03/2021 12:13

You NEED legal advice now.

You may be entitled to some of the houses and a lot more than you think. Don't do any of this "leaving with the shirt on my back and all my dignity" bullshit.

Peace43 · 23/03/2021 12:18

Get legal advice as you are entitled to a share of all the marital assets, even if they aren’t in your name. You will also need to declare your assets.

Original poster

Whatatodo20 · 23/03/2021 12:34

Thank you everyone for your help and advice. My concern is that he would screw me over far more if I came for any of his assets as opposed to just leaving. Apologies, we’ve been together for 11, married for 8 I don’t know if this makes a difference? I will seek financial help in December.

I was encouraged (not forced) to run up everything and my credit should run clear in November.

My other concern is my DD, he has said that if I leave he’ll never see her again. Can I force this - as in, can I force him to see her?

OP posts:

jellybellybanana · 23/03/2021 12:35

My other concern is my DD, he has said that if I leave he’ll never see her again. Can I force this - as in, can I force him to see her?

No, you can't.

MadeForThis · 23/03/2021 12:40

LISA's can o my be used by first time buyers. As you are married with housing assets you need to check if you would be considered a first time buyer.

Moneybox do a cash LISA.

You and your dd are entitled to a fair share off assets on divorce. He cannot stop you seeing dd however he can ask for 50/50 custody.

MadeForThis · 23/03/2021 12:42

Sorry I read that wrong.

You cannot make him see dd.

You can ensure that your dd has financial support by taking the best divorce deal you can get.

If he won't see her then you will be doing 100% of housing and childcare. The divorce should reflect this.

Your working ability will be effected. You will pay all costs for housing, childcare, clothes, uniform, clubs etc.

Make sure you leave with what is fair for your dd.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/03/2021 12:42

My other concern is my DD, he has said that if I leave he’ll never see her again. Can I force this - as in, can I force him to see her?

Why would you want to force him? Any man who can say such a thing is horrible. You need to consult with a solicitor as soon as possible.

Wurrg · 23/03/2021 12:46

My ex husband held him not seeing my son as a threat over me for ages, until it finally clicked, why should it bother me if he wouldn't see him?! I left, he hasn't been in touch and that was 7 years ago. My son doesn't remember him.

RandomMess · 23/03/2021 13:04

The debts are marital debts and the assets marital assets. A judge won't sign off a divorce where you get nothing.

You won't count as a first time buyer where there is a marital home.

Please speak to woman's aid as he sounds abusive - he threatens you with not seeing DD and you are too frightened to insist on your legal rights.

8 years married with a few years of co-habiting before that and a child is NOT a short marriage and the starting point for assets would be 50:50.

Seek legal advice now, knowledge is power and strength.

SignsofSpring · 23/03/2021 13:04

You should definitely seek legal advice on the best way forward, which is going to be to have your marital pot divided, including his houses. I'm not saying don't save as well, but it would be very foolish to disregard the assets you have both accumulated through your marriage, and leave your dd with nothing. He will probably abandon her anyway if he's that type of awful person, so I'd try to secure her future by getting a lawyer/solicitor to tell you what you might be entitled to, and then make a choice which direction to go in (you dont' have to follow their advice, but make sure you have taken it first).

Original poster

Whatatodo20 · 23/03/2021 13:07

Thanks everyone. I’ve got a lot to think about but you’re (all) right. I will seek advice and think on the best way forward.

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 23/03/2021 15:17

Division of assets is based on need. If he declares his intention not to have contact with your DD then that would be reflected in the split as you will have significant childcare costs and / or have your earning potential slashed, as well as all the costs associated with her day to day. He will only need a small flat or whatever and can work unimpeded as much as he likes. You absolutely can force contact. You can offer it, in writing and keep a diary of what he does or does not do. The maintenance he pays will be higher the less he has her so its important to be exact.

Original poster

Whatatodo20 · 23/03/2021 16:47

Thank you @HugeAckmansWife

OP posts:

minniemoocher · 23/03/2021 16:55

You need to get proper professional advice from an experienced family solicitor. If he owns multiple properties this is not a straightforward divorce.

You are entitled to a share of marital assets. It's not a simple case of 50/50 as you have only been married 8 years but I would expect a judge to award close to that. He can't be made to see his dd but he will be expected to support her until 18, and the amount is lower if he has her for overnights so I suspect he might change his tube.

I would concentrate on getting back into the workplace and speak to a solicitor - put money into a normal account for now eg NatWest had a good rate for a savings accounts, until you get a picture of whether you are likely to buy or get one of the houses in his portfolio

Original poster

Whatatodo20 · 23/03/2021 21:33

Thanks @minniemoocher

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 25/03/2021 07:51

Sorry, just saw I said you can force contact. Of course you can't, just offer it!

Original poster

Whatatodo20 · 25/03/2021 16:50

Thank you everyone for your advice. I’m going to do my own research as well but does anyone have any recommendations for a divorce lawyer in the northwest?

OP posts:

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