AIBU to ask who goes between sparkling clean and hovel (and how do I make it ...not?)?

[therocinante]

We have two modes in our house - absolutely minted, everything clean, floors mopped, tidy, calm (usually at the weekend). And then the rest of the time it's just an absolute shitshow, I feel like we're never on top of it, and it makes me stressed out.

Does anyone else swing back and forth between the two? I hate mess and dirt and find it hard to concentrate when it's like that, so WFH is less fun by Weds/Thurs where it's really messy.

We don't have kids (but do both have ADHD, which doesn't help - imagine being utterly unable to focus unless everything including the phases of Jupiter's moons and the cleanliness of the inside of your washing machine is just right but also being absolutely unable to make yourself do any of the things that you need for that to happen?).

But I have lists and systems and I have so many strategies in place to try and mitigate it and yet at least half the week, our house feels like a bomb went off and I hate it.

Are we alone? Or do most people have a reasonably tidy house most of the time, rather than flinging wildly between the two?

[AcornAutumn]

@CrazyNeighbour

Whilst I think it sounds like you have too much stuff, Is it possible that actually it isn’t a ‘Shithole’ at all and this is just someone catastrophising?

When kitchens get used it needs to be cleaned up, but a surface which has been used, isn’t a shithole. It is also extremely unpleasant to live in an atmosphere where everything is completely blown out of proportion and the only two states are “exactly As it should be” and Shithole, with nothing in between.

Well, I don't think anyone would walk in here and say "shithole"

Perhaps OP is the same. But being stuck in all the time probably magnifies it.

I also feel - even before lockdown - that it's a constant "is there a better way to arrange the place" mentality. But things like guest duvet are too big for an easy relocation to be found.

Adjustable dumbbells would help but the price of them! I forgot to say, next to the weights i have the foam roller and yoga block and strap. And the three sets of weights isn't all the weights, there's another two heavier sets that are put away and I will be back on to those in a couple of weeks.

[MissSlattern]

I hear you OP!

I have namechanged for this obviously.

I keep looking at the floor thinking I must mop, vaccum and so on. Then I just think I'll do it later and then weeks and months have passed by. I then decide enough is enough and clean up, then it starts again. I have so much clutter and piles of paperwork on all level surfaces.

I have trouble deciding what to keep and get rid off. You wouldn't realise there is this stuff going on behind my front door as I present differently at work. I'm teased for being clean and whipping out the anti bac wipes!

The thing is I have OCD and hate other people's dirt, but when it comes to my home..... I don't have people round apart from sibling and adult child. Strangely trades people are just about okay. Probably because I'm never seeing them again!

Reading this sounds so bad. The saving grace is I like clear floor space so it doesn't look too bad. It just needs cleaning more regularly and decluttering.

I so want to just have someone come in and throw things out for me (after I've checked its not important and doesn't have identifying information on it).

[AcornAutumn]

MissSlattern "I keep looking at the floor thinking I must mop, vaccum and so on. Then I just think I'll do it later and then weeks and months have passed by. I then decide enough is enough and clean up, then it starts again. I have so much clutter and piles of paperwork on all level surfaces. "

Oh maybe I misunderstood. I clean twice a week - small flat = not difficult.

It's the untidiness which I seem to have within five minutes of having it all sparkly.

[MarmaladeBumpkin]

OP would it be useful to make yourself a short daily list of basic tidying things that you can do at the same time each weekday (eg a lunch-break list)? Just so you don't have to think about what needs doing you can just do it ?

Like
Put dirty clothes in laundry basket
Hang up wet towels
Hang up coats
Put away shoes
Put mail in tray on bench top
Put away breakfast jams/cereals/whatever
Put shopping in cupboard/fridge
Throw out out of date foods
Empty bin
Take out recycling

Would that help with the basic day to day clutter issues? Or if those aren't the sort of jobs that need doing at your house, obviously you could put in whichever ones would help if they were done quickly every day. I just find that having a list to look at is much easier than having to look around every day and think of what job/s to do

[MarmaladeBumpkin]

Oh sorry I reread your OP and see you have lists already. If the problem is more the amount of stuff, do you have the funds to rent a small storage unit that could hold camping gear and other stuff you don't need very often?

[blubberball]

I just wrote a pretty long reply, but just accidentally deleted it all, but I was basically saying that I've been getting on really well with the organised mum method. There's a Facebook group, and a website where you can print off the tick lists for free.

[JustGiveMeGin]

I get up in the morning and clean and tidy, so all of downstairs is hoovered and wiped down/mopped, everything put away (dishes from dishwasher etc) and bathrooms cleaned.
On my days off I clean upstairs (usually 2/3 times a week)
I have done it this way since my eldest was a baby so 14 years! It always makes sense to start a fresh every morning to me.

[VestaTilley]

Similar here, but no ADHD.

We have 1 DS and 2 DCats. The house is small and things are permanently untidy with cat hair everywhere. We hoover every few days and tidy up each evening, but it’s never immaculate.

I think the people who have really tidy houses have very little “stuff”, so it’s easy to get round and clean every where. We’ve got mountains of books and nick-nacks so things never look very tidy here.

[violetbunny]

Do you have anyone who could help you sort out storage? My DP has ADHD, when he has to tidy he will happy whack things away into a cupboard, but it wasn't until I reorganised his cupboard and put a proper storage solution in there that he was using the space effectively. He just can't focus/ care enough to sort it out. Do you have a super organised friend who could help with making some suggestions?

[StopGuacAndRoll]

Hello!

You have described me down to a T, except that I have the big house which is full.

I have it NAILED! I mean...I don’t, but most of the time I do. Here are some of my tips. Take what will work for you and rock it.

Gadgets are your friend. Robot vacuum, flash speed mop or even that Vax vacuum and mop thing.

This is the hardest one. I’m sorry. You have to put things away straight away. Or ASAP. And if you don’t, you have to do it before you leave that room. Or before you go to bed. Whatever works for you.

You see, mess breeds mess. If everything is put away neatly then great, my ADHD brain is overactive and wants to put everything away. If one item is out of place, and I do mean one item, it explodes. Think leaving a T-shirt on the floor. Nope. The next day it is everyone’s laundry in that pile, but also we haven’t taken cups and glasses out of the room, haven’t bothered to make the bed and every surface is cluttered. It EXPLODES!

Routine routine routine. Okay I get it, it’s hard for us. It doesn’t mean ‘8am every day I make the bed’. But a list of things that must happen. I know that if we don’t empty and reload the dishwasher by the following day every single surface in the kitchen has dirty dishes. I know if I don’t hang up my shower towel then it will fester and I will have to do more washing. I don’t want that. I know I need to vacuum and mop almost daily with 5 pets. I just do it. It took me longer to put it off than to actually just bloody do it.

Decluttering. I am yet to nail this one but it makes complete sense. The less stuff we have then the less we have to organise and tidy.

I also went on an Amazon shopping spree to get clever storage solutions. I chose Amazon so that I could easily return what didn’t work. I got a Joseph Joseph cutlery organiser WOW I actually look forward to putting the cutlery away now. I also got their pan lid organisers for our cupboard door. I got fridge storage from B&M so each bit is a designated zone. This means the fridge isn’t a bomb site with food going to waste hidden behind things.

I am far from perfect but I’ve learned that I need doing. I also ask my husband to help, with specifics. Eg. ‘It would really help me if you ‘made’ the sofa because I’m not very good at it, and if it’s messy I will leave things on it’.

I no longer spend my Saturday mornings doing allllll the cleaning and tidying.

Good luck!

[JosephineBaker]

It’s so much harder in lockdown.

I realised my main impetus for cleaning was someone visiting - couldn’t let them see the mess we live in, so a tidy/hoover/clean before friends were due to come by.

No one but the plumber has been here in a year. Everything’s left much longer between cleaning than usual.

[therocinante]

@CrazyNeighbour

Whilst I think it sounds like you have too much stuff, Is it possible that actually it isn’t a ‘Shithole’ at all and this is just someone catastrophising?

When kitchens get used it needs to be cleaned up, but a surface which has been used, isn’t a shithole. It is also extremely unpleasant to live in an atmosphere where everything is completely blown out of proportion and the only two states are “exactly As it should be” and Shithole, with nothing in between.

Interesting - that's certainly a possibility. A large part of it is that it affects my focus badly, so in that sense you're right: if it's not just so, then it immediately begins to be a distraction, which doesn't leave a lot of room for nuance in my brain - a bit of a mess or a shithole is not a sliding scale, really.

[therocinante]

@StopGuacAndRoll

Hello!

You have described me down to a T, except that I have the big house which is full.

I have it NAILED! I mean...I don’t, but most of the time I do. Here are some of my tips. Take what will work for you and rock it.

Gadgets are your friend. Robot vacuum, flash speed mop or even that Vax vacuum and mop thing.

This is the hardest one. I’m sorry. You have to put things away straight away. Or ASAP. And if you don’t, you have to do it before you leave that room. Or before you go to bed. Whatever works for you.

You see, mess breeds mess. If everything is put away neatly then great, my ADHD brain is overactive and wants to put everything away. If one item is out of place, and I do mean one item, it explodes. Think leaving a T-shirt on the floor. Nope. The next day it is everyone’s laundry in that pile, but also we haven’t taken cups and glasses out of the room, haven’t bothered to make the bed and every surface is cluttered. It EXPLODES!

Routine routine routine. Okay I get it, it’s hard for us. It doesn’t mean ‘8am every day I make the bed’. But a list of things that must happen. I know that if we don’t empty and reload the dishwasher by the following day every single surface in the kitchen has dirty dishes. I know if I don’t hang up my shower towel then it will fester and I will have to do more washing. I don’t want that. I know I need to vacuum and mop almost daily with 5 pets. I just do it. It took me longer to put it off than to actually just bloody do it.

Decluttering. I am yet to nail this one but it makes complete sense. The less stuff we have then the less we have to organise and tidy.

I also went on an Amazon shopping spree to get clever storage solutions. I chose Amazon so that I could easily return what didn’t work. I got a Joseph Joseph cutlery organiser WOW I actually look forward to putting the cutlery away now. I also got their pan lid organisers for our cupboard door. I got fridge storage from B&M so each bit is a designated zone. This means the fridge isn’t a bomb site with food going to waste hidden behind things.

I am far from perfect but I’ve learned that I need doing. I also ask my husband to help, with specifics. Eg. ‘It would really help me if you ‘made’ the sofa because I’m not very good at it, and if it’s messy I will leave things on it’.

I no longer spend my Saturday mornings doing allllll the cleaning and tidying.

Good luck!

THANK YOU.

This bit:

If everything is put away neatly then great, my ADHD brain is overactive and wants to put everything away. If one item is out of place, and I do mean one item, it explodes. Think leaving a T-shirt on the floor. Nope. The next day it is everyone’s laundry in that pile, but also we haven’t taken cups and glasses out of the room, haven’t bothered to make the bed and every surface is cluttered. It EXPLODES!

REALLY spoke to me, and a PP said it elsewhere (although not really from an ADHD perspective) - it's kind of all or nothing. So if it's tidy, it's tidy because I get hyperfocused and I'm cleaning like mad, hence the weekends. But if it's not, it's like someone's turned a tap on and it just seems to fill up with chaos.

I've ordered a load of storage boxes recently to try and corral some of the chaos that's breeding round the edges (the top of the tumble dryer, which lives in the open 'under the stairs' bit and is very visible because...tiny house, is full of shit. Letters I know are important and don't want to file away yet, the vitamins I take every day because it keeps them at eye level and I won't forget them...etc etc). So I'm working on that part, which I think will breed that tidiness which will help me feel less overwhelmed by keeping it that way.

I recently started a morning routine which seems to be really working for me/helps put me into more of a focused mindset, so I think it could help to add a 5 minute timer into that for whizzing round and tidying - timer to stop me carrying on and reorganising the spice rack, but enough that visible mess it contained before I get started.

It's funny, I didn't realise until I was diagnosed a couple of years ago how much of my brain is battling between my natural inclination towards messiness/inability to tidy, and the fact that I need order. And now I'm so aware of it, it makes it a constant thing I'm annoyed about!

Thanks for replying

[AdoraBell]

I used to have a system to avoid this, Friday I would tidy up and do laundry so that we could relax over the weekend. Then on Monday I would tidy up from the weekend.

Bathrooms and kitchen would get a quick wipe over daily and a proper clean on Mondays.

That all fell to prices 5 years ago. I’m desperately trying to get back to that routine.

[therocinante]

@MarmaladeBumpkin

OP would it be useful to make yourself a short daily list of basic tidying things that you can do at the same time each weekday (eg a lunch-break list)? Just so you don't have to think about what needs doing you can just do it ?

Like
Put dirty clothes in laundry basket
Hang up wet towels
Hang up coats
Put away shoes
Put mail in tray on bench top
Put away breakfast jams/cereals/whatever
Put shopping in cupboard/fridge
Throw out out of date foods
Empty bin
Take out recycling

Would that help with the basic day to day clutter issues? Or if those aren't the sort of jobs that need doing at your house, obviously you could put in whichever ones would help if they were done quickly every day. I just find that having a list to look at is much easier than having to look around every day and think of what job/s to do

I think that would help, yes! It tackles the part of my brain that finds undefined tasks impossible - if I look at mess (as I have done this morning ) and see 'stuff to do' it makes my brain go NO THANK YOU. Whereas if I had a list I could see 'here's actionable, specific things I need to do'.

I do have lists already but at the moment I'm trying to do it all in one go at the weekend because we both tend to be either ON or OFF, so we try and harness it all into one big ON session in one go. But actually, having defined things I do in the meantime would probably make it easier during the week and reduce the amount we need to do at the weekend - thank you :)

I know it sounds really obvious and I swear I'm a reasonably capable adult generally, but this is something that's just always been a blind spot!

[Shortiemyboo]

Mines the same. Cleaners here now.

[Triffid1]

Agree with others that the clutter is a huge issue. Is i possible to pay for a small storage unit offsite? At least for stuff that you really don't need all the time eg camping gear, winter coats in summer, extra kitchen stuff etc?

DH does a great job of a quick tidy up of the lounge every evening which is great. I do the same in the kitchen in that I load the dishwasher and make sure the kitchen gets a proper wipe down, things on the counters are put away or lined up neatly, sink is cleaned etc. Makes a huge difference.

Second robot vacuum and would add a good handheld cordless. Robot vacuum means vacuuming happens more often and it also forces a quick clean up. I'm constantly surprised how much cleaner our house seems since we got one. I do the kids rooms and landing at least once every 5 days, our bedroom 3 times a week and the lounge/kitchen once a week (DH then vacuums with the regular vacuum once as well and mops at the same time). Not having random small bits of stuff on the floor, often that your'e not even conscious of, is amazing.

[LucyMaxwellDM]

Same here. Single parent with probable ADHD (just going through assessment). I don’t know the answer I’m afraid!

[thecatandthevicar]

Just feel like we have so much STUFF and it's always visible.

I don't have that. After transforming my first flat to sell it, I decided never to make efforts for strangers but not for me.

And because I can't be arsed to waste my weekends tidying up, things go where they belong or in the bin.

If you are really completely overwhelmed, have you look at the price of a small storage facility for essentials like camping stuff?

Could you put them in the car most days?

Get a high sleeper for your bedroom so a desk can go underneath and the other bedroom becomes a cupboard? (or you use underneath the bed as a cupboard)

When you look at programs about tiny space, people living in van etc... it' only look lovely because they have very little but lots of storage.

[CatsHairEverywhere]

Also got ADD (and ASD), my home is either sparkly clean or looking like a tornado ripped through it.

Though, practical suggestions: if you see something that needs picked up, do it immediately or it’ll languish there for god knows how long.

If the bin needs emptied, do it as soon as you notice (found this one extremely handy. If I’ve got an empty bin it makes me want to ensure there’s no other rubbish laying around).

Sweeping or hoovering: still haven’t figured out how to get into a routine with this and I don’t have a bloody clue how often it should be done, would greatly appreciate this info!

Cleaning windows: pick one day of the week (or month, also unsure how often windows should be cleaned) and do it after your breakfast/morning cuppa. Also do this with bedding that needs to be washed etc.

Laundry: put it away as soon as it’s dry. For the first few weeks it feels like a ball ache, everything being piled on the chair is handy. But it really only takes 20 mins to sort and put away.

If you really really really want to just sit down and focus on things that you feel are actually worth focusing on, do 8 small things first. Whether it’s just things like giving the shelves a quick wipe, putting some clutter away, sorting out your sock drawer etc. You’ll find yourself more motivated to do other cleaning or tidying.

Take one day a month for a proper big clean too.

Getting into the swing of it means constantly reminding yourself about it though. You’ll irritate the hell out yourself, but after a couple of weeks it’ll be more habit than anything else. If you find yourself slipping, don’t beat yourself up about it. Even NT people slip with things, that’s human nature.

[OfaFrenchmind2]

I am in between too, but I always make sure that the kitchen and bathroom are very clean, at all time. The rest of the house is more... left to chance, time and motivation.

[Crowsandshivers]

Google TOMM (the organised mum method) not just for parents. It is amazing and mine was the same until I started following it.

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

Watching with interest because I completely understand the need for Jupiter’s moons to align in order for certain jobs to happen.

[Triffid1]

Sweeping or hoovering: still haven’t figured out how to get into a routine with this and I don’t have a bloody clue how often it should be done, would greatly appreciate this info!

There's a reason old pictures and books have the woman cleaning her step daily... the truth is that vacuuming and sweeping can be done pretty much constantly. And it really does make a surprising difference to how a house feels. A robot vacuum can really help to up your vacuuming (it has for us). Our handheld is used to vacuum the stairs at least 2 or 3 times a week and again, it is surprising what a difference it makes.

Another thing I never consciously thought of or realised until recently is how a "proper" clean of the kitchen makes a huge difference. Our kitchen is cleaned at least once a day - surfaces wiped, everything washed/dried/putaway etc. But we only do a "deep" clean where we clean the fronts of all the cupboards, the top of the extractor fan and move absolutely everything etc about every 2 weeks. It's amazing how much better the kitchen looks whenever we do do it.

[Jeeperscreeper]

I have adhd too . Well add more acurately. And yes exactly the same. Its , for me , inability to stick to a routine. It is great. Then i forget or dont do it.
Husband never knows what to expect. !
He was holding hos socks in his hands today . They had peanut butter on them. I had failed to notice that i had missed somehpw and some had landed on the floor.