Wedding dilemma. Sister’s boyfriend.

[Wife2b]

Sister is a bridesmaid, I’ve paid for a cottage for us women for the night before and to get ready in the morning.

Sister has been with her fella for 6 months. He’s been invited to the wedding. No problem so far, no issue with it. The other day out of the blue, my sister messaged me saying “there’s no way I can bring X to your wedding”. I asked what had happened, she said he’s back on the crack cocaine and speed again. I advised her to move on, she’s vulnerable as it is and has her own stuff and trauma to deal with without him dragging her down. She made all the right noises and says she’ll be moving out on Monday.

Now she’s forgiven him because he’s promised to change etc. She’s said - I understand if you don’t want him at your wedding but I don’t feel comfortable travelling on my own so I’ve booked accommodation for him the night before and he’ll stay with me so I can keep an eye on him - again she reiterated that she wouldn’t be bringing him to the wedding but he’ll be local in a hotel. I’ve told her we’ll see how things go and if he engages in the right support etc - I didn’t really know what to say??

Now I don’t know what to because I feel like she’s forced my hand to encourage him to come because it means she can keep an eye on him and I feel bad he’ll spend the duration of the time that she’s with me alone in a hotel room. But I’m not sure I want the hassle or worth that he might be up to something on the day. I’ve not met this chap because of lockdown so I really don’t know what he is like.

WWYD in my situation? I don’t want to be rude to her, she’s my sister and I want her to be happy. At the same time he sounds like a liability.

How far away is the wedding? It sounds like the kind of chaotic situation which could change and change again before the big day actually arrives.
If it was me, I’d keep to my wedding plans and keep space for your sister at the cottage. Let her do what feels right at the time.
You’ve never even met this chap, so you don’t need to worry about him at this stage.

Thanks Squeejit.

It’s 3.5 hours away from where she lives.

I worry about her, there’s rumours about domestic violence in previous relationships but she didn’t want a Clare’s Law. She’s young and impressionable, very vulnerable herself. She sees me as the fun police but I do worry this bloke isn’t good for her (though she’s old to make her own mistakes her) but that’s a separate issue.

I’d plan for her to pull out of bridesmaiding with some sort of last minute disaster or him attending as a condition of her doing it and you having to ask her to stand down.

He sounds like very bad news and she sounds vulnerable and incredibly stupid. Bad times. Sorry.

How was she going to travel before him

And when is the wedding

It sounds like she's in an emotional abusive relationship. Its a very strange u turn to suddenly can't travel I suspect he is wanting to control. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't attend or brings him and makes it a scene. Seems very intense after only 6months.

Vintner - I don’t think there were any plans in place before. He doesn’t drive so I’m not sure what difference it makes him being with her in terms of practicability. I had offered to go and pick her up but with my grandparents also I won’t be able to have room for him in the car too. She does suffer from Anxiety though so I think it’s more for comfort than anything. I can’t help but wonder if she’ll just spend the day worrying about him though, it sounds awful but I’m not really sure what he brings to the relationship. But she’s got her own issues and isn’t the sort of person to accept not being in a relationship. She’d be intentionally homeless too because she left her flat for rent arrears and moved into his so she’s quite vulnerable even if she wanted to move on.

The wedding is in September. So we’ve got time for things to change - good or bad.

Teardrop I also worry that it is abusive. Even the pictures of them together, it almost looks like she is enveloped by him in a possessive stance. I can’t really describe it. Within 4 weeks of meeting him she had fallen pregnant (sadly miscarried), gotten a joint tattoo and moved in with him. She’s mentioned marriage too and I keep telling her to slow down but she’s her own person.

At this stage I'd just be non-committal about it all. Just nod and say OK to her plans to leave him at the hotel, and we don't need to decide that right now if she asks questions about him. There's v little to be gained by saying how you feel about him and having him there 6 months before your wedding, chances are it will alk be over, but it doesn't sound like she's in the right place to hear that now

She wouldn't be intentionally homeless as she moved in expecting it to be a long enduring relationship. I wonder if she wants to bring him to keep an eye on him to try and keep him clean. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation and that she is very vulnerable. Hang on in there, she will need you.

The only relationship a crack cocaine user has is with the drug.
I'm not sure why you're worrying about what will happen for one day and a a night in 6 months time. I think you need to be worrying now about every day your sister in in a relationship with him. It's a very nasty drug and very addictive. Your sister will not be able to control whether he uses it or not. If she's vulnerable already, she's going to be a whole lot more vulnerable living with him. It's also possible that she will also end up taking the drug too .
Sorry to sound so bleak, but you really need to get your sister away from this situation because it won't have a good outcome. If she has kids with him, there's a very high risk they will be taken into care as this drug wrecks lives and causes chaos to family life.
It's really not like smoking a bit of weed. Maybe get her some advice from a drug counselling service?

It is your wedding and meant to be your special day. So, put yourself first. This means you don't have to pander to some skunky crack addict and your sister needs to leave her drama behind.

Madinmarch

Sadly I’ve had this conversation with her many times, as has our brother and his fiancé. We’ve all tried, but she’s stubborn and lets her heart rule her head. Our Mum passed away to suicide 3 years ago so there isn’t much by way of family to try and convince her. I suppose we’re always around for when things go wrong but she’s got a tendency to gravitate from one abusive relationship to the next. She’s a lot like our Mum in terms of her choices and vulnerability factors. Just as stubborn too!

Can you do a Clairs law yourself on him , try explaining what he is like and you are concerned about her , congratulations on getting married .

Sorry, when I asked how far away the wedding is I meant in time, not distance. September, so six months off. A lot can (and probably will) happen to change this situation over that time. It’s so unpredictable.
I agree with Madinmarch - it’s bad news. Just keep trying with your sister and keep plans for your wedding open to her but don’t plan for him to be involved.

@Wife2b
I do appreciate it's a very difficult situation, and ultimately there probably isn't much you can do.
Could you go with her to NA who I think have support groups for the relatives and partners of drug dependent people? She may benefit from seeing/ hearing of the realities of living with someone in this situation? It tends to be a very chaotic and unsafe lifestyle.
It's very worrying that she has already got pregnant once with him. Bringing a baby into the situation really isn't going to be a positive course of action.
I'm sorry about your mum's suicide.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum .
I hope your sister starts to gain some strength and self love because it sounds as if she is determined to punish herself at the moment.
I agree with others that it's too soon to worry about what will happen in 6 months time- she has chosen to join him in what will be a chaotic ride of a 'relationship'.

I think you should say he can come or at least leave the possibility open. As much of a disaster as he/this relationship sounds, this is the partner your sister is currently with. Although his problems are significant, they are not yet the type of problems that would make him too objectionable to allow to attend.

I am in no way defending him but I wouldn't make this your hill to die on with your sister, especially as it's six months away. He could be long gone by then. You can certainly discuss your opinions that she should end the relationship, but leave the wedding day out of it.

The possibility of a druggie at a wedding isn't a great one. Can you explain to your dsis she isn't his carer /therapist /minder.. She can't stop him taking drugs. You can however ensure neither him nor his gear appear on your big day. If that means no dsis then imo so be it.

Keep things simple, clear rules, support her choices.

She's a big grown up now, so here it is bluntly imho. She's invited, he's not. What they do is entirely their decision and choice within that, it's not at all down to you. You will accept and support whatever decision she makes within that framework. If she turns up, great. If not or leaves early, that's not a problem either.

On the big day her problems are simply not yours and she will have to deal with them.

I'm sorry about all the obvious issues, but you can't lead or control her life and your responsibility only goes so far.