Broken hearted about my mother

[KoalaLlama]

I’m so heartsick about my mother.

She is, without a doubt, the most defensive person I have ever known. She is incapable of being told even in the mildest way that you disagree with her on anything - she views it instantly as a personal attack, and her solution is to escalate the situation into a fight by saying the most hurtful and wounding thing she possibly can in that moment to ensure that you back down.

She has done this my whole life. I’ve never been allowed to be right about anything, and because i am a natural peacekeeper I always back down, always apologise. I’ve swallowed endless, astonishingly hurtful comments without apology because I know that the alternative is her escalating the situation even further. The only time she has ever apologised to me was when she went so far as to slap my face when I was 15.

She’s just done it to me again on a walk. I’m 33 now - she ought to be able to treat me as an adult. But she can’t. I disagreed with something she said (in the gentlest possible way) and she launched into horrible dramatics, shouting at me, crying, accusing me of having actually said something awful and unforgivable.

I don’t know what to do. She can be so kind when she wants to be. I love her so much. And as long as I tread carefully enough, I can avoid these awful moments. But it sometimes feels like there is a trap around every corner, and I can’t keep avoiding them forever.

I’m so desperately sad about it. I wish I didn’t have to watch every word around her. I wish she loved me enough to not treat me this way. I wish she wasn’t so damaged from her own upbringing that she can’t face the possibility of being wrong, and so goes on the attack instead. I wish I was brave enough to stand up to her.

My lovely DM was like this and had suffered as a result of her upbringing too. She could be very hurtful and bring up things from way back to throw at me if I challenged her. It meant I regretted deeply what I couldn’t have in relationship with her (very much real intimacy) and instead I just focussed on what was possible in the relationship, which was enjoying lots of the same things and usually being able to laugh together. I knew one day she wouldn’t be there and I think there was a lot of pre-grieving as she never really knew much about my adult life. I miss her a great deal, that is, I miss the good things, but it is a relief to not feel compelled to edit everything I say. I would advise you to find people with whom you can share both frustrations and happiness because you know you can’t do that with your mum. If there’s still plenty you enjoy together, then try to focus on that rather than seeking what she is unable to give you. 🌺

I'm dreading the end of lock down - it has been a lovely peaceful year with no conflict/guilt/unpleasantness. But it's all going to start again soon.

[quote Fairyliz]@BrumBoo has got it right you won’t be able to change her this is who she is.
The only way I coped with my mum was to go grey rock (before I knew that was what it was called). The last 20 years of her life we only discussed fairly superficial things the weather, tv flowers etc. Just keep everything light and breezy[/quote]
This. This in spades. It isn't possible to have a true deep relationship with someone like this.

Thank you all for your kindness

I think the suggestion of therapy is a good one. The idea that I could one day behave this way to my own children is haunting. I have to break the cycle.

@KoalaLlama are you me?!

Seriously same age, same problem. I've foundation therapy/counselling so useful, would be highly recommend you seek a registered person out, even just once a month as somewhere to vent... She won't change but you can change the way it affects you xxx

Found not foundation

I would suggest it probably all stems from extremely low self esteem - a pp mentioned narcissism and I would say vulnerable narcissism might fit the bill for your mum (narcissism is caused by very low self esteem). x

@KoalaLlama I hear you, that was exactly the catalyst for me too. The thought my marriage would be affected by constantly arguing about my mother and that one day I might be just as toxic to my children.

I'm so determined to break the cycle, I want to be the mother I never had.

I have no contact with my mother; 2 years and counting. I used to feel the same as you, then someone recommended this website and book www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/youre-not-crazy-book/

It helped me to see through the FOG

Don’t really have any advise but I do have sympathy - my mums the same. She had a real shitty upbringing. I didn't realise her behaviour until I had my own kid and read a book called ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ - I just always thought I was in the wrong or a bad child. Although I tried to have a chat to her about it and even gave the book to her to read (as I thought it might help her understand a few things about her but she never read it) I now really struggle with our relationship so covid has been a blessing in that way for me, hardly any contact. Her behaviour has had such an impact on my mental health growing up and I’ve needed to distance myself from that.

I could have written your post. My mum does similar things. She will tell me something about myself that isn't true, I'll correct her (gently) and she will totally lose it. She is worse to my brother, who doesn't stand up to her as much. She will literally tell stories about him that aren't true, when he is there.
Then she breaks down in tears, wailing that we hate her, everyone hates her, I am just like my father and her family. (Who had enough of her games). She says she isn't my mum any more, can't be doing with me any more.
She will kill herself, no one loves her. Etc etc etc.

I could have written this when i was your age OP.

I suggest you nip this in the bud. It’ll get worse not better. Set some boundaries, distance a little, grey rock. You need to accept that she’s not going to be the parent you want her to be. An arms length relationship will be much better for you.

To the PP who mentioned lockdown ending - solidarity! I can’t wait for sport and pubs but I’m not excited about seeing that nasty piece of work.

My DM was like this. The best thing she ever did was to die.

I too could have written your post.

The story is too long to tell but yes, DM with very distressing childhood. She can't take a note of criticism or concern, can't even take a compliment actually, and my DF after all of these years is a complete enabler. I have no other close family so it's all very intense.

She's quite practically helpful in some ways but it has to be entirely on her and DF's terms. She's definitely not fun, relaxed or generous at all.

When I had my DC, she was completely useless with babies, and not interested at all. I realised that actually my DF had done most of the working bringing me up. I think this stemmed from her childhood trauma but it came as an awful shock to me.

I had a bit of counselling but since I'd had counselling previously (different issues completely!) I was able to try to work through it myself. For various reasons I couldn't and didn't want to go NC. But I detached from her and started to think of her somewhat as a distant aunt. This helped in terms of how much I involved her in my emotional life, and also in terms of my expectations of her.

I spent several years I am sure grieving that true motherly relationship once and for all.

Now it's OK. I think she would say it's good. It's not how I'd like it to be but I have realised that it never will be. It's very difficult to grieve a relationship with someone who is alive. I've asked my DH to make sure that when she dies to make sure that people know that I am 'far too upset to say anything' at the funeral. But this is because I will struggle to find a lot of nice things to say really.

Her own DM had a terrible childhood and marriage. As did her own DGM. There's been a lot of it over the years in the family going at least back to the 1920s as far as I know.

I see my DM, we're involved. She helps me with some things.

But there are parts of my life she knows nothing about. Sometimes that's pretty lonely. And it still feels taboo to talk to friends about it.

But I'm OK and I have broken the chain as regards my DC, I've survived, I see it, and I am proud of that now.

My mum is a bit like this. Not quite as bad but will sulk if she thinks I’ve been rude to or disagreed with her. Still does it now and I am 40. Treats me like a child still. It means I am completely conflict avoidant and often too scared to express a different opinion to someone as I assume I must be wrong. I now have a young daughter and am DESPERATE not to be like this with her.

Lots of sympathy, OP - I’m another one who wondered if I’d maybe written your post myself and forgotten about it.

My mother isn’t as much trouble as yours, but then I take a step back and realise just how much ground I’ve given up for an easy life, e.g. I live five minutes away from her because I caved to the tantrums and “I might be dead soon” when I told her I was planning to move twenty minutes away. She’ll say poisonous things and then tell me with the next breath that she would never say anything like that and she’s worried about my mental health. She’s “dumped” on me constantly since I was a teenager, including offloading about completely inappropriate things like graphic details of her extra-marital affair, but, after years of my trying to squeeze some basic empathy out of her, we’ve just about got to the stage where - maybe thirty per cent of the time - she’ll robotically say “I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day” if I mention a bad day, rather than going on the attack and belittling my problems.

I know that I’m an idiot for still trying for something that she’s clearly incapable of giving, but it’s that little bit of hope that kills.

This thread has been a real eye-opener for me. My heart goes out to all of you who have been the victims of these destructive relationships.

I am sorry to hear this OP. My sister sounds very similar to your mum and my niece (25) is always in the firing line. She does have MH problems and has been on medication for years but I’ve now gone NC with her due to her awful behaviour to me. I’ve told my niece to just remember that her mum (my sister) needs her more and so to walk away if it gets too bad...thankfully, she doesn’t live at home so is able to do this.

Is this always mothers? That would be odd.

I have a sister like this. Lives in a different country and we only talk about the weather. It's the only way to keep some semblance of contact.

She definitely has low self esteem and insecurity, covers it up with nasty comments about others. I have low self esteem, and I really don't think I'm a narcissist. My late father's self esteem was not great, also not a narcissist. The low self esteem is likely 'inherited'.

But I could never work out where it all comes from. The most worrying thing is that I see a similar propensity in her DC and mine. Painfully aware of this, so love and attention is lavished on DC, and they are praised for their many good qualities. And yet, unfounded low self esteem is there. It's exhausting and very upsetting, as if they are hard wired to be that way.