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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To miss alone time

25 replies

Cherryvalentine · 22/03/2021 08:05

Lived with my boyfriend for a couple of months now, and I have never been alone in the flat apart from once for 2h.

The only time I have to myself now is when I'm at work, my boyfriend isn't working atm and he is always in the flat day and night.

He went for a walk with a friend a few weeks ago for 2h but otherwise he hasn't really been meeting up with people.

I love being with him of course but I am quite introverted and want some time to myself too. He wakes up later than me so I tend to get an hour in the mornings, but every day is a compromise, I can never do anything by myself even just go for a walk.

I went on an early morning walk recently. After 40 minutes I had a text asking where I was and saying he would come to meet me.

He is depressed and I have been trying to get him to see a counsellor or a doctor but to no avail. It's frustrating as he just won't help himself, though I understand it's difficult.

Another thing is that I have dreamed of going to the US for a long time. I finally have a financial situation where I can afford it. My boyfriend can't and he's been to the US when he was younger. I couldn't afford to pay for both of us to go but it seems selfish if i go on my own doesn't it? I could probably pay a little bit of his but certainly not the whole thing. But I can see myself not going and it's a shame as I've never been anywhere like that.

Does it seem selfish to tell him I want to be alone sometimes? He gets this every time I'm at work so several times per week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cherryvalentine · 22/03/2021 08:06

Obviously the US thing is Covid dependent?!

OP posts:

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 22/03/2021 08:13

I couldn't afford to pay for both of us to go but it seems selfish if i go on my own doesn't it?

No.

How can you even think of giving up the fulfilment of a lifetime dream - that you have made possible through your own effort - because some man has done it already? Seriously?

To be frank I'd suggest you move out. Don't know how long you've been together but this relationship is now seriously limiting both your quality of life and your life chances. And if you feel cramped after two months ...

Meruem · 22/03/2021 08:17

It may be an obvious question but why did you decide to live with him? If he isn’t working and has few outside hobbies you should never have agreed to live together tbh. I am like you and I choose not to live with anyone for that reason. Not saying you never should but you at least need someone with their own life if you’re going to do it.

Honestly in your shoes, I’d be saying the living together isn’t working right now and call a halt to it before it drags on and on. You don’t necessarily need to split up but it clearly isn’t working for you.

Knitterbabe · 22/03/2021 08:19

I would say extricate yourself now. Why tie yourself to someone with depression who is making you feel restricted. Sounds as though you are quite young.. imagine years down the line if nothing changes.

EvilOnion · 22/03/2021 08:20

Absolutely not, I'm also an introvert and this has been my biggest problem throughout this pandemic and my mental health has taken a severe battering as a result. You need some time out especially in a new relationship, moving in is a big change nevermind being glued together 24/7!

I'm homeschooling during the day, quick family dinner when DH gets in from work then I'm heading off to work, home to bed then rinse and repeat 🙄 I love my family but dear god it's mentally exhausting.

Have you told him that need to be able to take some time out? You are entitled to go for a walk by yourself and having dealt with a depressed DP who wouldn't help himself I'd say you need to be firm - I actually made mine move out temporarily because I couldn't cope with him and the kids. Not ideal but it seemed to kick him into action and getting help.

Follow your dreams to go to the US before putting down roots with this guy, tbh he sounds like he's holding you back but you still have time to do what you want.

MrsExpo · 22/03/2021 08:23

I hear you OP.

For various reasons, my DH never goes out alone. As a consequence, I truly cannot remember the last time I had the house to myself. I escape by walking my dog twice a day, but it’s just not the same as feeling I can have a bit of personal space actually in my home.

I have no advice. But eventually, I suspect, you will feel as stifled and resentful of the situation as I do, and I can assure you it’s not a good feeling. Sending a hug and some and I hope you manage to sort it out.

Snowfalling · 22/03/2021 08:24

Seriously get rid. He is depressed, won't get help for his depression, doesn't work, is way too dependent on you. Is he contributing financially? He will drain you, emotionally and financially.

You're not being selfish enough. Break up with him, get him to move out and go to the US. Don't let him hold yuu back in any way.

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 22/03/2021 08:37

Obviously covid has taken employment from so many people. Is that the case for him?

I really hope he didn't persuade you to move in together so you could support him financially and generally prop him up?

The immediate worry is that, as a pp has said, he will drain you financially - so you soon won't have the option of any great adventure.

No decent partner would expect you to pay for them to accompany you on your trip. Obviously you're not leaving for the US right now - but you need to do everything you can to protect your personal goals.

Original poster

Cherryvalentine · 22/03/2021 08:38

I guess sometimes you can't predict how it will be before you move in together.

He does contribute financially, but my outgoings are higher than they could be.

He says he wants to go back into education but see no evidence of him applying for courses. If he doesn't apply soon he'll miss the deadlines.

I do need to be more selfish and firm. Love spending time with him but yes it can be stifling sometimes, another thing is that there always has to be some TV or music on, we can't just be in peace and quiet, the minute he's up YouTube goes on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cherryvalentine · 22/03/2021 08:39

He worked before Covid but it was only once per week.

OP posts:

Fortunefavours1 · 22/03/2021 09:07

I mean this kindly op, by staying in this relationship, or at least by living with him, you're enabling him to continue as he is because he has no incentive to change. If he had to move out, he would have to face up to his issues, get help for his depression, get a job, get back into education. He has to take responsibility for himself and his life choices. You're both holding each other back.

Original poster

Cherryvalentine · 22/03/2021 09:09

I'm not sure why he can't do these things whilst I live with him ? I don't see how I am holding him back ?

OP posts:

thelegohooverer · 22/03/2021 09:17

Please don’t downplay your need for silence and solitude as an introvert. It’s nothing to feel guilty about and it’s an essential aspect of your mental health.

I’ll no doubt get flamed for this but I think some people really need a swift kick up the ass to get a job or they won’t bother and sink into a lethargy. There’s huge sympathy and understanding for depression and mental health these days, but I think as a society we’ve lost sight of the role that work, routine and productivity plays in keeping morale up. I’m sure I sound heartless. But if he doesn’t have a job, he should be working just as hard at getting another or upskilling.

Meruem · 22/03/2021 09:46

I suspect what the pp means is while he lives with you he doesn’t have any real incentive to sort himself out. He may contribute, but I suspect you contribute more, so he has everything he needs and doesn’t have to do anything for it. He’s fallen into a rut and his motivation isn’t high enough to do anything about it. If he had to move out he may well be forced into making changes, and that wouldn’t be a bad thing.

I know you love him, and I imagine he loves you, but there’s more to a successful relationship than that. It’s sharing goals, sharing the load, just being on the same page and wanting the same things. Love isn’t everything, it’s one aspect, it’s a foundation, but you need more to really make it work and be happy.

Original poster

Cherryvalentine · 22/03/2021 12:23

He complains about his current situation and seems like he wants to change, but not sure what to do, only he can help himself ultimately. Otherwise he's going to be in the same position next year.
I am going to start being firmer and suggesting walking alone and so on.

OP posts:

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 22/03/2021 12:27

OP are you taking on board what people are saying about the bigger picture?

katy1213 · 22/03/2021 12:31

Of course you should go on holiday on your own! Don't even think about not going!
But you're young. Why do you want to saddle yourself with someone like this? Go out and meet someone fun and lively.
He's going to drain you until you're a shadow of yourself.
The constant background noise would be a dumpable offence for me, let alone the rest. Get out now - some boyfriends are fine for a Saturday night but not for life!

katy1213 · 22/03/2021 12:40

It sounds like far from not working 'atm' , he's never done much work at all. Who's paying rent - heating while he's dossing about all day - food?
He'll never get off his backside whilst you're willing to sub him.
Don't let your kind heart drag you down! Where do you want to be when lockdown ends - on top of the Empire State Building or traipsing around the park with Johnny-no-mates?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 22/03/2021 12:48

I'm another one who thinks he's going to really limit your life - he's doing so already!
It's a bad idea to give up your dreams for someone else - no good ever comes of it, you just end up resenting them which ruins the relationship anyway. So you end up having compromised your life and in a bad relationship!
Tell him you are going to the USA either with or without him and therefore he has the opportunity to get a job and start saving or he left behind. If it's your flat that he's moved into, I'd make staying conditional on getting some help for his state of mind and going back to work/education. Mind you don't end up financially subsidising his return to education. He is a man and needs to be pulling his weight contribution wise.

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 22/03/2021 12:50

Go out and meet someone fun and lively.

Alternatively you could forge ahead on your own - never prioritising someone else's apathy over your own zest for life.

yearinyearout · 22/03/2021 13:02

Of course YANBU. I never get any time alone either and it's driving me slowly nuts...have had adult dc here since last March, all of us wfh.

I needed to speak to my doctor the other week and had to go out in the car to have a private conversation, since any room in the house has someone the other side of the wall. I love them dearly but I'm longing for a couple of days on my own.

Fortunefavours1 · 22/03/2021 13:19

@Meruem
Many thanks for articulating what I was trying so say!

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 13:26

Not being unreasonable, I have to have alone time each day but hard with everyone in the house, getting some time in the evening or morning but havent been alone in the house all day since the pandemic began.

Was he working when you moved it? I ask as I wouldnt move in with someone if they could not pay 50/50?

You sound unhappy and maybe this isnt working, its only been a few months, maybe time to go to the USA covid allowing of course and tell him to leave?

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 22/03/2021 15:05

The relationship is not working for you, just end it.

SpacePotato · 22/03/2021 15:41

Yet another one whose moved in with a jobless depressive man.

Why? Why even bother starting a relationship with someone who only worked once a week and has done nothing since?

How was he paying to live before you? Did he move into your place?

Seriously op, just go to America.

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