I'm 2 weeks on from having my arse dumped by an absolute player who had a million red flags around him. I've had to realise a lot in this last 2-weeks about what was really going on. Ive never missed such an obvious problem in the past and have always had healthy relationships with men. in fact I haven't had many relationships just two when I was really young (before 22) and one long-term as an adult lasting 9 years.
I met a guy who who was older and worked full time, seemed confident, wise, sensible, funny and loving. the story I would have told you whilst I was involved with him would be very different to what I'm telling you now. I can't even begin to explain when I was in that situation, I was blind. I was convinced he was the perfect man for me and we were meant to have met. I listened to all his problems. He has had such an unlucky life and the result of that is no family or friends around him and no money. Now obviously I know it's his actions that led him to be alone. He's an ex drinker and he's also a chronic liar it turns out.
I should have known he was love bombing me, but I guess my lack of experience in bad relationships meant I just saw all these wonderful things. compliments and bottles of perfume and constant phone calls making me feel special. I only realised now how much of my life I put on on hold because he became first place for everything. I stopped watching my favourite programs and documentries. I stopped having time to do little things like baking cakes or catching up with my mum on the phone. I cared for my children still but feel now looking back, I was not really present. I had less time to read books and play. I was just waiting for my next contact with him.
I knew in my gut he was unhealthily obsessed with his ex. He lost her due to drink and cheating (another women's filled me in) but he told me they just grew apart. This week my gut told me to contact someone he mentioned alot. This was another women from his past but claimed that as a one night stand. He used to bring her up claiming she was stalking him two years on. After a massive conversation with this women I now know he played her to the point she left her husband. 2 years on she still lets him come and go out of her life. She is absolutely heartbroken learning about me. She said it feels like two years ago allover again when he dumped her after 4 months when his actual ex found out about her and got InTouch. This ex had Alot of chats with her too. told her she had caught him out lying so many times. She left him after the best part of ten years over this 4 month relationship with this other women.
I don't know if that makes sense. But after talking this week to this women we've realised he's used the same lines, words and promises to us both. He told us both the exact same things. But what's really bothering me is we've worked out that he was trying to morph us into his ex.
He made tiny comments on our appearances. He was trying to get me to have my hair up in a ponytail and said he wished I had a tan. He sent me red nail varnish for my toes as he claimed he was obsessed with my feet and had never had a foot fetish before. It turns out (obviously) he was obsessed with the other women's feet too. His ex had her nails done and often red. He was sending false nails to this women and wanting her to have her nails like his ex's. He made out to me he hated fake nails etc because I said I didn't personally like them. I've also realised he likes a photo of me where I'm wearing a top just like his ex and our hairs similar.
Other red flags were.
Her photos on his house walls.
Brought her up but in highs or lows. Sometimes it was to say something they did. Sometimes it was a rant about the past. Sometimes it was because of recent contact. He would claim in recent weeks she had expressed regret at them ending as he's stopped drinking. He has also claimed recently she was hinting at trying again and he claims he had told her he didn't fancy her and looking back he doesn't think he ever did. He also said you didn't want me when I was bad so you don't get me now (I don't believe him)
There are more and more lies coming out everyday. I think his obsession with his ex is extreme and I think they are both still hanging on in an unhealthy way so the other can't move on. But I don't think she would entertain him again on a serious level. She used to bail him out money wise etc too.
I have never experienced such a horrible liar with so much complication around him. I'm feeling stronger everyday. But I've posted this to reach out to anyone who's ever been through anything similar? How did you keep building yourself back up? I know I'll be fine. I just feel disgusted knowing what was really in his head. I did a ton of things to help that man too. I just feel he didn't appreciate any of it.