To feel like my child loses out with working parents

[Doubleistrouble]

To give a background, DH and I work FT in fairly demanding jobs with 2 DC. I was on maternity leave when DS(6) joined Reception so I was able to go for pick up/drop offs to school and generally got to know other mums in his class. We managed a few play dates which dropped off once I returned to work , then Covid hit. I arranged play dates with kids he called as friends but was rarely initiated from the other side. I got to know of couple of parties he wasn’t invited to last summer when restrictions were eased with DC we’ve had a few play dates with. I know other parents have had play dates during the lockdown as have bumped into small groups occasionally. For context, there are a handful of working mums in his class who do 2-3 days a week. There are only 3 other kids in his year group at after school club so he just about plays with them. Since school has started he has struggled to fit back in with his friends, complains that he is left out of games or not allowed to join in. Even his best friend hasn’t been playing with him as often even though we’ve had regular video calls through lockdown. I’ve mentioned this to his teacher who will look into it.
I’m able to pick up DS as I’m WFH but can’t hang around to chat as I have to get back to work. I’ve noticed many of the other mums regularly hang back and have a chat with the class teacher, again I don’t speak to the teacher unless I have to. Again, have noticed these DC regularly receive class awards. DS is always is in the ‘green’ traffic light for consistency so never gets acknowledged.
My point is, I feel responsible for his problems as I’m unable to spend time arranging playdates or socialising with other parents, teachers etc . I have DD(2) to look after as well so have little energy at the end of the day. We will be eventually moving his school as we’re moving area but worried we’ll face this again. Has anyone experienced this, any advice to get over feeling this way?

My advice is not to focus so much on school friends, but do hobbies outside school, and develop friendship groups there.

Also, when dc start their new school, use that as a fresh start. Just invite one or two people every week.

Incidently, in all the time at school,, I rarely spoke to teachers.

The only people who speak to the teacher after school are those who have been asked to, or 'those' parents. It is not a requirement to speak to them and unless it is pressing they will be grateful you don't.

I think once COVID moves on, big class parties will be a thing and to be honest, I found that those attending the parties, made the difference not whether you were there for pick up.

At parties you have time for real in depth conversation. You get to know mums and dads and whose child is whose. You also get to see the child in their exciteable form before inviting them to your house!

V much doubt your DH has these kind of thoughts! Your income and earning ability in the labour market benefits you and your whole family.

Covid has caused lots of problems for DCs. It’s unlikely that your DC’s challenges at the moment are connected to both parents working FT.

You’re planning to move anyway.

As DC get older they often find their own way friendship wise, and in normal times there’re things to help if not, eg clubs outside school, weekend meet ups.

The whole lockdown thing has made all these things difficult so don't think it's because you are working. I am a teacher and some parents chat to me ( too much sometimes!) and others don't. I never give it one thought. Give your little guy a chance to settle back in. There is an adjustment for some after being at home so long. None of this is anything to do with you working. Is there any children on your street even if they go to a different school. Could he play for a while on Satturdays?
The fact you can pick him up from school is a bonus. Just give him time. Don't judge the present situation as being the norm. And l have never known teachers to award prizes based on parents who talk to them and are around more
( the opposite might be true!)
Best to deal with the reality that you are working than to imagine none of these things would happen if you were a SAHP. Little things arise in both situations and can be sorted.

Why aren’t you using after school childcare? My DC see a group of friends there every week for basically more structured play dates that I don’t have to organise. It also gives them opportunities to meet a greater number of people as well.

I think play dates are overrated and seem to cause more drama than they are worth round here - they do seem to tail off significantly in KS2 when I think children are more vocal about who they actually want to play with, and mums can’t just have their mum friends over who happen to have a child in the same class.

I am also in email contact with my children’s teachers - yes it’s nice to say hello to teachers but if they are in the playground at pick up they have 30 kids to sort out and several parents wanting a piece of them.

If you’re moving, make sure your next school has lots of parents in the same boat. It’s crap being the only working parent in a small village school which is choc a block of stay at home mums or grannies doing pickups and waltzing off for coffee afterwards.

Some things I have talked to my son’s teacher about recently after school (briefly) - when he wet himself; a rash on his face; his doing a little bit better now (still behind the other children). He isn’t winning any prizes. Parents aren’t necessarily having positive conversations

Suspect if your son does have socialising problems at school they won’t be linked to a lack of play dates, so please don’t feel guilty about that. Does he seem to get on well with other children on the play dates you had in the past?

@ DazzlePaintedBattlePants , he goes to a ASC part time currently we’re WFH but there are only 2 other DC in his year group, they’re isolated from other year groups due to Covid. Overall they are just about 10-12 kids all year groups combined in the club. Most parents have grown up locally so have known each other for ages so maybe that’s a factor.

Blimey, when did all these play dates become a thing? I remember being at school (many moons ago) when you just played with your friends in school! Sometimes you'd you go to a friend's house to play or for dinner or for a party, sometimes they'd go to yours but it was never that pressurised.

I don't know, as I yet have this to come (imminently), but hopefully with more school activities and outside hobbies opening back up there will be more opportunities for your children to connect. In a few years, they will be less influenced by who their parents want them to be friends with and a bit more vocal about who they want to be thier friends.

I don't know why everything has to be so pushy these days, I think it's awful. And those parents constantly chatting to the teachers? Definitely those parents.

I am also an outsider in a location, where most people seem to stay and have known each other for a long time. This really isn’t personal.

When playdates dried up for my dd, I got her busy with out of school stuff. I get you are tired and have a younger dc. But can you get your ds involved in something like judo one evening and maybe a Saturday class once they’re on again? Go to soft play when they’re open again. This may not create play dates. But it will give him opportunities to play with his peers.

When my dd was your ds’s age and the same happened. I looked for the friendly, not cliquey parents whose dcs were friendly and organised a few play dates with them. People normally have more time after school, as do you.

Your ds’s bestie may have moved on. That’s hard and it happened to my dd for another reason (parents), and the child in question tried to get the other kids not to play with my dd. The school put a stop to this. So perhaps it’s time for you to encourage your ds to look for other friends and the school can help with this. And you can help by networking.

Just because you’re moving soon, don’t get thinking it’s not worth the effort. If anything, doing the work now will help your ds find new friends once you move.

@Bringallthebiscuits ,we had similar issues at Reception but were told by his teacher then that they weren’t concerned as he is an outgoing boy and likes to play with everyone. He is also a bit different in the sense that he prefers playing with Lego, talk about space and random facts rather than cops and robbers which the other DCs love, he joins in to fit in with them but is usually overlooked as he is slower and rather ‘soft in comparison. He likes playing with some girls in his class but they seem to prefer to play wit h their own besties. I hope he finds his people in his new school.
His current teacher is lovely but this is her first year teaching a class so I suspect has trouble setting boundaries with some parents . I’ve had to wait a few times after school for DS to go back in to class to pick up his book or whatever so have noticed its always the same ones.
@Mummyoflittledragon you’re right, I will sign him up for other groups when restrictions ease, we used to go for swimming, football etc on weekends.

None of this sounds like it has anything to do your working. Anyway, as soon as kids get to a certain age, 8-9, they develop personalities and make friends in a way that can’t be influenced by their parents. They gravitate towards people because of shared interests and character traits rather than if their mother is one of the gossiping group stood blocking the school gate every morning.

OP, I’d say, the greater likelihood is that the children who are going to the parties/play dates together, are actually the children whose parents are friends with each other.

I think at the moment, with everything that’s going on, any meet ups that I’ve had have been with parents who I am friends with, and our children just play (in the park).

Your son is still young (same age as my eldest) and tbh, I’m extremely reluctant to have children round (in the good old days) whose parents I don’t know relatively well, I like to know that we are all mostly on the same wave length.

@Doubleistrouble this sounds like just one of those things and not anything to do with you working. Hopefully your son will gradually find some friends more on his wavelength, perhaps once activities start again he might find a hobby he likes and make friends through that.

I've never felt like that. Both adults working is only a positive to my family in, utilising our financial capabilities, large comfortable home, holidays, I think it's important for them to see us both in jobs we enjoy and the lifestyle it affords us. Most people I know have two working adults at home so I never quite understand when it's highlighted as an issue on MN, never had a issue with children socialising, they socialise at after school clubs and weekends like every other kid I know does.

I wouldn't worry too much if you're moving anyway, just sort play dates for weekends, but eldest is 10 he is allowed to play outside independently in the park next to our house. It changes as they get older.