To feel overwhelmed by how many people need me

[JudesBiggestFan]

I just feel exhausted by it. I work full time in a pretty stressful job..I work in communications and manage a small team so most of my working day is spent supporting, cajoling, explaining, advising. I love it and think I'm good at it but it's full on.
Then I come home to my husband and three boys, aged 3, 9 and 12. Lord of very different demands and needs.
But as well as that I have a big family and wide circle of friends who I love very much, but I'm reaching the point I just feel drained.
My sister is having a work crisis so I've spent several evenings listening to her stress (she has anxiety). Helping her with cover letters, applications, offering endless endless advice, but then it's all wrong cos I just don't understand etc. And that's without her boyfriend crises (she's a single parent).
My dad has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer so both my mom and dad are agonising over treatment options, calling me to discuss (totally understandable).
My brother's son is severely autistic and has become much worse because of lockdown so my sister in law calls me often to unload and also to talk about my brother's excessive drinking and what to do.
My best friend's mom has been diagnosed with dementia this week so she's called me several times this week and then asked me to go for a walk with her today...which I did for three hours. Then there's the WhatsApp groups with people from work, uni friends, then the moms from the school gates...one whose just had a baby who I've been popping to the doorstep to see cos she has post natal depression.
Then my friend in NZ whose mom has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and so has messaged a lot and has asked for a FaceTime...time difference obviously tricky.
I just feel like I'm drowning! I try to set boundaries but if I don't answer people they call back, I feel awful because I know they're all valid problems...but I am actually a self-contained person who actually prefers to deal with most stuff myself or with the support of my husband. The final straw today was when a friend on a WhatsApp group passively aggressively posted that I'd hardly spoken to her this week (she's shielding and single so lonely). I just feel like I'm drowning in people that need me and other than upsetting them all there's no way to stop it! I'm 41...is this just what life I'd like at this age?!

You sound like a lovely and supportive friend. Sorry to hear about your Dad. Would it help to only check WhatsApp once or twice a day, at set times? Or you could try muting some of the groups. I do this, it's especially useful with the school mums' WhatsApp group as the messages can be excessive.

Good grief OP! What a lot of folk! I'm not at all surprised you feel pulled in all directions.

As a former carer myself (for a family member), I've been there. The answer is to set boundaries to your contacts, delegate where possible and remember that you are NOT solely responsible for everyone's wellbeing, only that of yourself and your kids x

And I agree with the muting groups suggestion!

I'm in a similar boat OP. You do need boundaries. I know it's hard but you will burn out if you don't. Please make sure your needs are met, then kids, DH, work. Wider family just need to go on back burner for now. You can't do it all!

Who’s there for you??
You need to decide what time you have for others and carve out some for you too. You can’t be everything to everyone all the time.
And because you sound so lovely and like you need a (virtual) treat.

You have got to start making boundaries and learn how to say no. You're only one person and you've got to put yourself first before you implode.

The final straw today was when a friend on a WhatsApp group passively aggressively posted that I'd hardly spoken to her this week

Well there’s one need you could share. Tell the group you’ve got a lot of people asking for your support and you feel like you are drowning.

I think it was on here that I read the saying, "you don't need to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm"...it really sounds like that's what you're doing. You're not selfish to say, "look, I'm struggling to support everyone and I need a break", if they react badly it's on them, not you. Please be kind to yourself

I understand

Tell people you’re having a rough time just now yourself. That work has been really taking it out of you recently.

That might give people the realist check they need, that you are a human with human needs and failings like every one of us. Not superwoman.

And if not one of the fuckers supports you or just vanishes then you’ll know not to bother your backside with that user in future.

My life is the same @Mustfly and it's very hard.

I think you need some time for you, which I know is easier said than done. Perhaps one day at the weekend where phones are turned off, or phones off from 8 pm every night. Could your dh have the boys one morning each weekend so you can have time to yourself for walks, rest, hobbies. You may not get a huge break but lots of little ways of having self care is important.

I completely feel for you OP
I’m the same - everyone’s go to and nowhere to go myself!
Try n carve a little bit of space for you - try saying no occasionally - vent on MN