Husbands expensive purchase.

user1490814754 · 2021-03-20T18:43:14+00:00

My husband was suicidal two years ago. He is still suffering from depression and really struggles with family life especially during Lockdown. I suspect he is autistic. I have had to take the brunt of the financial fall out of his mental health issues. I can be impulsive with money too and he has always supported me when I've wanted to spend money on courses etc (Even when we should have prioritised other things) He has an idea for a project and is desperate to buy campervan type thing and do it up (He can be quite obsessive). He needs something to focus on at the moment and has his heart set on it. It could be a nice thing for the family. There are issues. 1. We really can't afford it. 2.There is no where to store it. 3. We don't have the money to do the renovations. I am always in the position of 'bad guy' when he comes up with these ideas and come across as negative. I am also now in a position of fearing he will go into a really dark place /suicidal again if I challenge him or kill his 'dream'. Would I be unreasonable to shelve my own feelings and realistic concerns and just let him get on with it, if it will make him happy or should I challenge him and potentially cause his depression to worsen? I dont want to always have to tread on eggshells but dont feel able to tell him how I feel because being a burden on me or causing me worry is one of his triggers.

Embracelife · 20/03/2021 18:46

Let him solve the problems of where to store it and how to fund it

radiateforme · 20/03/2021 18:47

Him buying a camper van is going to be a very temporary and expensive 'fix' for his depression - it sounds awful for you OP and you can't tread on eggshells forever. You shouldn't have to put yourself in fear of financial distress in order to prevent your DH from killing himself. He has a much bigger issue and sounds like he needs some serious medical support. Have you had much support / counselling?

Paul72 · 20/03/2021 18:47

I feel a bit like your husband.

are there any projects or jobs around the house that need to be done? Wuld he get stuck into some of them. I know the artex in our hallway has a very limited life now as I aim to remove it all. Something not too expensive.

Embracelife · 20/03/2021 18:48

As an adult with capacity to decide
All you xzn do uis calmly point out the practical issues...And be ready for the low that comes after a high.

Original poster

user1490814754 · 20/03/2021 18:57

Yes I think I'm fearing the low that will inevitably hit regardless.

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user1490814754 · 20/03/2021 19:01

@radiateforme

Him buying a camper van is going to be a very temporary and expensive 'fix' for his depression - it sounds awful for you OP and you can't tread on eggshells forever. You shouldn't have to put yourself in fear of financial distress in order to prevent your DH from killing himself. He has a much bigger issue and sounds like he needs some serious medical support. Have you had much support / counselling?

Thank you. No. High dose of anti depressant and the obligatory NHS talking therapy.He stopped the counselling as hated Zoom sessions

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RumJerrySailorRum · 20/03/2021 19:02

How is he going to actually purchase one?

Does he have access to the money to buy it outright? Can he get credit in his own name without you applying?

tenlittlecygnets · 20/03/2021 19:04

Point these things out and ask him to work out how he plans to buy it, store it and renovate it. Make it his issue. Well he be able to get a loan for it?

If a campaign is not your thing, tell him so. Why should you go on camper van holidays if you hate them?

Are there any other projects round the house he could do instead?

Original poster

user1490814754 · 20/03/2021 19:04

@Paul72

I feel a bit like your husband. are there any projects or jobs around the house that need to be done? Wuld he get stuck into some of them. I know the artex in our hallway has a very limited life now as I aim to remove it all. Something not too expensive.

I'm sorry to hear that. I think a lot of people can relate to that at the moment. The other projects only interest him for a short time frustratingly!

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user1490814754 · 20/03/2021 19:08

I think he will ask a friend to help and pay it off over time. It is not expensive in the grand scheme of things but we would have to borrow the money

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LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/03/2021 19:19

My husband is autistic and a long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. It has taken a long time to get the right anti-anxiety medication at the right dose, and that doesn't solve everything by any stretch of the imagination. We have been together for 17 years and only recently, with some counselling and work on myself, that I have realised I have to accept his depression and his ups and downs, and that I can't control them. If we don't have the money for something he wants, he can't have it, and that's not my fault. If he then gets down, he needs to work through that himself. That isn't my fault or even within my power to get him out of it. It has been liberating for me to learn this, and to a certain extent dissociate from his moods as if I try to get too involved it doesn't work or even help. This is him, and I want to be with him, and if he is down, angry, suicidal, it is not my responsibility or even in my power to solve. I can just be here, support as needed (and he needs to be ready and accepting of this, and he often isn't), and that is it really. I get on and do what I need to do, bright and breezy if I can be. I don't get dragged down as much as I used to, but it is very hard and it does get me down at times. If your husband's whole happiness depends on a campervan, that really isn't the issue at all. He could look to do it in the future when circumstances may be different, but it really isn't your responsibility or even in your power to make him not be suicidal.

Calmdown14 · 20/03/2021 19:35

What skills does he possess in this area? Campervans hold their value well but it really depends how poor your finances are as to what additional pressure it might add.
If he is a practical person who can watch you tube videos and pick up new skills easily then my response might be more positive. If he's never done any DIY and knows nothing about cars then I'd think it is an expensive pipe dream.

Original poster

user1490814754 · 22/03/2021 21:58

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

My husband is autistic and a long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. It has taken a long time to get the right anti-anxiety medication at the right dose, and that doesn't solve everything by any stretch of the imagination. We have been together for 17 years and only recently, with some counselling and work on myself, that I have realised I have to accept his depression and his ups and downs, and that I can't control them. If we don't have the money for something he wants, he can't have it, and that's not my fault. If he then gets down, he needs to work through that himself. That isn't my fault or even within my power to get him out of it. It has been liberating for me to learn this, and to a certain extent dissociate from his moods as if I try to get too involved it doesn't work or even help. This is him, and I want to be with him, and if he is down, angry, suicidal, it is not my responsibility or even in my power to solve. I can just be here, support as needed (and he needs to be ready and accepting of this, and he often isn't), and that is it really. I get on and do what I need to do, bright and breezy if I can be. I don't get dragged down as much as I used to, but it is very hard and it does get me down at times. If your husband's whole happiness depends on a campervan, that really isn't the issue at all. He could look to do it in the future when circumstances may be different, but it really isn't your responsibility or even in your power to make him not be suicidal.

thank you for this it was exactly what u needed to hear.

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user1490814754 · 22/03/2021 22:00

What I needed to hear!

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