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about dh's 'family' contribution? sorry, long

32 replies

adventuregirl · 08/11/2007 08:44

I really need to know if I am being unreasonable, or if he is. Something needs to be done about it, as I am really fed up at the mo.

so, background info - we've been married 10 years, and have a 1yr old ds. I have changed my mn name. I work part time - 2 days a week - he works full time about 10 miles away.
I don't think ds does enough with us as a family.

In the morning, he spends 30 mins with ds as I get myself ready. Most of the time this is spent with dh in bed and ds playing in the bedroom. No nappy change etc - he leaves that to me after I have got myself ready. He then spends about 20 mins on his pc sorting out his website / photos / email. Then he gets ready for work. Couldnt he do this later on, and spend some 'quality' time with ds?

He consistently comes home from work late - this caused major issues when I had PND as by the time I had been let down by him being late AGAIN, I had had enough. Now I am used to it, but ds is so happy to see dh, I think he is missing out on daddy time.

At the weekend we do take turns at the early mornings. He seems to spend his turn playing computer games with ds playing around him. In the daytime at weekends, he plays computer games or goes on his pc if we are in. If we go out it is better, but the past 2 times we were out he spent the whole time with his brother and left all the care of ds to me, or buggered off with his camera and left most of the care of ds to me. LAst weekend he buggered out for most of the day, doing conservation work, although he had promised me time to do MY own thing. If I complain, he says, I have had ds for x hours today, as if it is a competition.

He also does bugger all round the house. I understand that I only work p/t, but it isn't hard to load the dishwasher when ds is in bed, or to get the washing in. Or even to put his clothes in the washing basket (there are many stories of where they end up if they don't go in the right place!)

I could go on, but the main thing is that this keeps happening. I am really fed up, and feel that I can't rely on him. Sometimes I think that if I was single at least I would EXPECT no one else to help iyswim.
So AIBU, or is he? Please be honest, as I am thinking of showing him this post later on...

OP posts:
pukkapatch · 08/11/2007 12:24

fathers dont babysit their kids. they spend time with them.
most men dont want to change nappies. for us this was never a problem as i firmly believe things like nappy changing and feeding, ie breastfeeding are a mother's job.
most men arentintereseted in young babies. it's not nice, its just the way it is. they start taking an interest in them around the tiem they get a bit more interactive, 18 months tywo years ish. however a lot depends on the maturity of the man. older, wiser, (thought the two dont always go together) take more ineterst intheir babies. immature twats do things like leave their gf's at 38 weeks pregnancy. [anger]
housework. this will forever be a bone of contention between couples. it will always endup being done by the one who finds it more annoying wheni t isnt done. we livein a pigsty now because dh wont do any, and i dont see why i have to do it all the time.

dont force him to do anythign as it will only make things worse for you in the long run. tell him what you simply wotn do, and then stick with it. but dont complain if he doesnt sit and play a jigsaw with his kids. he wont do it if he is being forced into ti.

Carbonel · 08/11/2007 12:29

I have been reading this and it also does not seem as if thre is any time for the two of you as a couple. It can be very important to keep that bond between the two of you as well as being paretns and needing individual time.

FWIW my dh used to leave his clothes on the floor - soon stopped when they went into the bin (he was warned first)!

I have simialr chidcare issues with my dh - we both work but i do fewer hours so i can do the school run, he is also away a lot.

I think men just do not 'get' the responsibility thing - he was happliy working late one night when he had promised I could go to a work related meeting; result, i was late for the meeting! However it would never happen for him because he would just stay at work and go from there.

I think you just have to set everything out clealry and then go off and leave him with your ds - he may not behave with him the same way you do but he will find his own way (eventually) and also try and ,make time for you both in the evenng once your ds is in bed - if your core relationship falters there will be no family

hunkermunker · 08/11/2007 12:36

Pukka, you firmly believe nappy changing is a mother's job?

OK, that's the second most shocking thing on this thread

StarlightMcKenzie · 08/11/2007 12:38

This reply has been deleted

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StarlightMcKenzie · 08/11/2007 12:47

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Clary · 08/11/2007 13:12

yy to hunker's 2 posts

Jaynerae · 08/11/2007 13:19

I think you need to sit down and think about how important these issues are to you and concentrate on the very important ones.

After DD was born DH was made redundant and got another job, new job is 12 hour shifts for four days or nights then four days off. When DH was off he did nothing - when DH was working when he got home he did nothing. I didn't say anything and for 18 months it just built up and built up and I got angrier and angrier and more resentful - hence I was not a nice person to be with. But being a man - he didn't get it.

One day he phoned up to say he was going out straight after work - I was having a hard time with the DC's and burst into tears - I wouldn't talk to him on the phone - but when I put the phone down I wrote him a 4 page letter of how I felt - and I didn't mince my words! Left it on the work top for when he got home. Upshot was when I asked him for his opinion was that he knew he was lazy and oh BTW I don't think I love you anymore so I will leave and go back to my parents.!

We had been together 14 years, married 10. I couldn't accept that so I backed off left him to his own devices expected nothing off him and I actually felt better, After 1 week I asked him for a decision - leave or stay - he said stay - the releif I felt was unbeleivable. I decided that housework and washing and who cooked the tea and everything else was not worth loosing my marriage over. So I changed - I decided if I wanted something doing I would do it myself, it gets done and I decided I was not going to resent him any more and because I was happier - more pleasant to be with he seemed happy, started telling me he loved me again.

Not ideal I know but he does love me - he loves the DC's, works hard, doesn't smoke doesn't drink - goes out once every couple of weeks, does plenty of family activities with us as a family. Never does anything outside the home with DC's if I am not there, I don't know if he thinks he can't cope or it will be too much like hard work with out me, but hey you can't have everything!

On his days off he does school run and looks after DD until he takes her to Nursery, she makes him sing with her, watch her dancing, play catch with her, read to her - she instigates what they will do and he complies! so I guess in there own way they are spending quality time together. He collects DS and DD from School. If I tell him to load dishwasher he will, if I tell him to put the pile of washing that is on the landing by the basket in the machine and switch it on - he will. If I tell him to unload the dishwasher - he will. He would't do anything off his own bat - but he is a bloke!

He was not like this before DD was born - or maybe he was but with me working practically full time and having two DC's to look after - perhaps I noticed things more because I had so much on my plate.Or maybe his new job and him being so tired after 12 hour shifts I noticed he did much less. DS is 8 now and DD just turned 4 - so much easier now. I would love another - but he won't hear of it and I don't want to go back to being unhappy with so much to do and no help so have resigned to the fact we will only have 2 DC's.

Sorry for long post - but I am trying to explain that lots of men are like this and to an extent you have to accept them as they are or risk losing them. I decided that if I had to sacrifice my principles in order to keep my marriage I would - and having their Dad in the home is so much more inportant that anything else to the DC's.

Lots of other women will think I have done the wrong thing by accepting that I do most of the stuff in our lives - but I am happier, because I have let that resentment and anger go, DH and DC's are happier because I have a smile on my face the majority of the time.

I do beleive things will get easier for you as DS gets older - it has for us.

I hope that makes some sense to you.

And good luck.

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