about dh's 'family' contribution? sorry, long

[adventuregirl]

I really need to know if I am being unreasonable, or if he is. Something needs to be done about it, as I am really fed up at the mo.

so, background info - we've been married 10 years, and have a 1yr old ds. I have changed my mn name. I work part time - 2 days a week - he works full time about 10 miles away.
I don't think ds does enough with us as a family.

In the morning, he spends 30 mins with ds as I get myself ready. Most of the time this is spent with dh in bed and ds playing in the bedroom. No nappy change etc - he leaves that to me after I have got myself ready. He then spends about 20 mins on his pc sorting out his website / photos / email. Then he gets ready for work. Couldnt he do this later on, and spend some 'quality' time with ds?

He consistently comes home from work late - this caused major issues when I had PND as by the time I had been let down by him being late AGAIN, I had had enough. Now I am used to it, but ds is so happy to see dh, I think he is missing out on daddy time.

At the weekend we do take turns at the early mornings. He seems to spend his turn playing computer games with ds playing around him. In the daytime at weekends, he plays computer games or goes on his pc if we are in. If we go out it is better, but the past 2 times we were out he spent the whole time with his brother and left all the care of ds to me, or buggered off with his camera and left most of the care of ds to me. LAst weekend he buggered out for most of the day, doing conservation work, although he had promised me time to do MY own thing. If I complain, he says, I have had ds for x hours today, as if it is a competition.

He also does bugger all round the house. I understand that I only work p/t, but it isn't hard to load the dishwasher when ds is in bed, or to get the washing in. Or even to put his clothes in the washing basket (there are many stories of where they end up if they don't go in the right place!)

I could go on, but the main thing is that this keeps happening. I am really fed up, and feel that I can't rely on him. Sometimes I think that if I was single at least I would EXPECT no one else to help iyswim.
So AIBU, or is he? Please be honest, as I am thinking of showing him this post later on...

[Jaynerae]

Adventuregirl
I think you need to sit down and think about how important these issues are to you and concentrate on the very important ones.

After DD was born DH was made redundant and got another job, new job is 12 hour shifts for four days or nights then four days off. When DH was off he did nothing - when DH was working when he got home he did nothing. I didn't say anything and for 18 months it just built up and built up and I got angrier and angrier and more resentful - hence I was not a nice person to be with. But being a man - he didn't get it.

One day he phoned up to say he was going out straight after work - I was having a hard time with the DC's and burst into tears - I wouldn't talk to him on the phone - but when I put the phone down I wrote him a 4 page letter of how I felt - and I didn't mince my words! Left it on the work top for when he got home. Upshot was when I asked him for his opinion was that he knew he was lazy and oh BTW I don't think I love you anymore so I will leave and go back to my parents.!

We had been together 14 years, married 10. I couldn't accept that so I backed off left him to his own devices expected nothing off him and I actually felt better, After 1 week I asked him for a decision - leave or stay - he said stay - the releif I felt was unbeleivable. I decided that housework and washing and who cooked the tea and everything else was not worth loosing my marriage over. So I changed - I decided if I wanted something doing I would do it myself, it gets done and I decided I was not going to resent him any more and because I was happier - more pleasant to be with he seemed happy, started telling me he loved me again.

Not ideal I know but he does love me - he loves the DC's, works hard, doesn't smoke doesn't drink - goes out once every couple of weeks, does plenty of family activities with us as a family. Never does anything outside the home with DC's if I am not there, I don't know if he thinks he can't cope or it will be too much like hard work with out me, but hey you can't have everything!

On his days off he does school run and looks after DD until he takes her to Nursery, she makes him sing with her, watch her dancing, play catch with her, read to her - she instigates what they will do and he complies! so I guess in there own way they are spending quality time together. He collects DS and DD from School. If I tell him to load dishwasher he will, if I tell him to put the pile of washing that is on the landing by the basket in the machine and switch it on - he will. If I tell him to unload the dishwasher - he will. He would't do anything off his own bat - but he is a bloke!

He was not like this before DD was born - or maybe he was but with me working practically full time and having two DC's to look after - perhaps I noticed things more because I had so much on my plate.Or maybe his new job and him being so tired after 12 hour shifts I noticed he did much less. DS is 8 now and DD just turned 4 - so much easier now. I would love another - but he won't hear of it and I don't want to go back to being unhappy with so much to do and no help so have resigned to the fact we will only have 2 DC's.

Sorry for long post - but I am trying to explain that lots of men are like this and to an extent you have to accept them as they are or risk losing them. I decided that if I had to sacrifice my principles in order to keep my marriage I would - and having their Dad in the home is so much more inportant that anything else to the DC's.

Lots of other women will think I have done the wrong thing by accepting that I do most of the stuff in our lives - but I am happier, because I have let that resentment and anger go, DH and DC's are happier because I have a smile on my face the majority of the time.

I do beleive things will get easier for you as DS gets older - it has for us.

I hope that makes some sense to you.

And good luck.

[Clary]

yy to hunker's 2 posts

[hunkermunker]

Pukka, you firmly believe nappy changing is a mother's job?

OK, that's the second most shocking thing on this thread

[Carbonel]

I have been reading this and it also does not seem as if thre is any time for the two of you as a couple. It can be very important to keep that bond between the two of you as well as being paretns and needing individual time.

FWIW my dh used to leave his clothes on the floor - soon stopped when they went into the bin (he was warned first)!

I have simialr chidcare issues with my dh - we both work but i do fewer hours so i can do the school run, he is also away a lot.

I think men just do not 'get' the responsibility thing - he was happliy working late one night when he had promised I could go to a work related meeting; result, i was late for the meeting! However it would never happen for him because he would just stay at work and go from there.

I think you just have to set everything out clealry and then go off and leave him with your ds - he may not behave with him the same way you do but he will find his own way (eventually) and also try and ,make time for you both in the evenng once your ds is in bed - if your core relationship falters there will be no family

[pukkapatch]

fathers dont babysit their kids. they spend time with them.
most men dont want to change nappies. for us this was never a problem as i firmly believe things like nappy changing and feeding, ie breastfeeding are a mother's job.
most men arentintereseted in young babies. it's not nice, its just the way it is. they start taking an interest in them around the tiem they get a bit more interactive, 18 months tywo years ish. however a lot depends on the maturity of the man. older, wiser, (thought the two dont always go together) take more ineterst intheir babies. immature twats do things like leave their gf's at 38 weeks pregnancy. [anger]
housework. this will forever be a bone of contention between couples. it will always endup being done by the one who finds it more annoying wheni t isnt done. we livein a pigsty now because dh wont do any, and i dont see why i have to do it all the time.

dont force him to do anythign as it will only make things worse for you in the long run. tell him what you simply wotn do, and then stick with it. but dont complain if he doesnt sit and play a jigsaw with his kids. he wont do it if he is being forced into ti.

[hunkermunker]

He keeps a LIST of how long he's had your DS to the minute?!

That's the most shocking thing on this thread!

[HonoriaGlossop]

adventuregirl, I just made it clear to DH that I wasn't going to accept it. I told him that I thought it was a waste of life and that it was crap parenting and I was not having it.

What happened with us was that when ds was newborn, Dh would go on the PC in between 'tasks' which was fine as ds was either feeding or sleeping! When ds started to have his wakeful times and need more interaction a few weeks/months in, I just had the conversation above with dh! I also reminded him that he has time in the evenings when ds is asleep to puruse his own stuff. Have to say as well, DH doesn't play computer 'games' as such he is on the PC for role playing game stuff and e-mails etc. I really can't stand computer games. At least what dh does is mildly creative!

As I say now that ds is five, there are times when DH leaps on the PC to do stuff because ds is happy doing his own thing sometimes. So it's not forever, it's only when they're tiny and take alot of input really.

i think it's important to set out your stall. Tell him what you will and won't accept.

I do agree though that in the early years kids ARE so draining that it does feel a chore to be with them at times (all the time?) so I think many many people do get into the counting hours thing. It is natural really. It won't always be like that!

[macdoodle]

Sadly this is one of the reasons for my marriage break up..I got more and more resentful and basically just ignored him ...his solution to have an affair really helped ;)
Though now we have worked throught the affair we are still seperated because we just ended up back to his old ways...and I prefer not to have him their to continually disappoint me...the only way to get him to take any responsibilty/care is to leave him in total charge and bugger off for day/weekend/night out....please try and talk to him and sort it out before the resentment destroys your relationship ....

[maisykins]

I think it does get better as the children get older - my DH was never that interested in the baby stage - and I think that is true of a lot of men - not all I hasten to add. But now DS is older they can do things together, talk etc is much better.

What I did find at weekends was it was best to get out for the day or at least the afternoon - zoos, parks, national trust places, aquariums, farms the list goes on and on. My dh wasnt on the pc but it drove me mad to have the TV on contantly and not good for the children - football or news etc.

It's a big adjustment after 10 years and harder for the men who still go to work full time and arent caught up in the childcare thing - they just dont get it. Looking back I can see I was totally absorbed in it (still am really).
My DH did need specific instructions with regards to what to do with DS - i.e. if you get him up, you must change his nappy and give him a drink. This is where we keep the nappies. This is where we keep the milk. This is his mouth where the milk goes in (only kidding but you get the point).
Leaving his clothes on the floor is not acceptable - if my dh did this I would mention it and say I would not wash/pick anything of his up unless put in the wash basket.

Good idea to visit your friend though - sometimes they need to be left to get on with it on their own.

[artichokes]

YANBU. I feel very strongly that DH and I have equal parenting responsibilties when we are not at work. DH works full time, I work 3 days. Obviously on the two days I am home I do thechildcare but in the mornings/evenings/weekends we share the childcare and chores. We both decided to start a family and therefore we both decided to embrace the life that entails. We try not to fall into the trap of "I did this, you do that" and instead to view family time as something to look forward to. It sounds corny but a positive attitude really helps. At the weekends we try to do most things as a three as it is more fun for all of us.

[adventuregirl]

dejags - "strains of I have had the kids for 2hrs22 minutes vs I have had them for 2hrs23 minutes ring in my ears". how true!

dh kept a list once of how long he had ds - I found it, and it had something like 6.45 - 9.00, and 10.15 - 10.22 on it. it was the late afternoon by then. either he forgot to do it, or he didn't have ds all afternoon - I wonder which

[adventuregirl]

thanks ladies for making me feel a bit better about myself - that IANBU!

honoria - how did you get your dh to agree to no computer etc while ds is awake? we had a chat about this before ds was born (bil plays computer games all day and ignores kids - dh saw this and said he didnt want to do that), but that has all gone out of the window now.

dejags - great idea about going out for the day. I have a friend i havent seen for ages, and she is 1 1/2 hours away, so I will book a date with her!

[RubySlippers]

Hmm - the coming home later each night would start to grate a little bit, especially if he, as you say, has time to do other stuff that he wants

FWIW, me and my DH both work fulltime, but DH is away a lot so inevitably i end up doing a lot more - but it is circumstances and on the weekend we have a fair (ish) distribution of chores

DH will often take DS out on a Sunday morning so i can have an hour out, and nappy changes are done by both of us - the drudge work has to be split equally - you can't just do the good stuff

i think most men respond to lists/instructions - don't fall into a trap of you doing it because it is quicker/easier

[dejags]

You aren't being unreasonable.

Having said that - your post could mirror the situation in millions of homes around the world.

Life with a small child/ren results in the awakening of the competitive beast in previously content husbands and wives.

Marriage and parenthood invariably become a pissing contest in the early years (strains of I have had the kids for 2hrs22 minutes vs I have had them for 2hrs23 minutes ring in my ears).

In my experience, the only way to fix it, if you feel that you are getting the rough end of the stick is to remove yourself entirely. Pack a day bag and bugger off for the day next weekend. Leave DS to DH all day, you'll come back feeling better and your DH will be less inclined to take you for granted for at least a few days .

[HonoriaGlossop]

I definitely think you are not being unreasonable. I have expected my DH to be an equal parent from day one, and yes that has also been when I've only been working 2 days, like you.

When ds was a baby, right to school age, I expected that the time when DS was awake and with DH or I, was time with ds, actively playing with him or being with him or doing the necessary for him eg cooking/preparing meals. The PC is not on at all; we're WITH ds rather than having him munging around while DH plays on the PC. As he's got older, he's now five, we've relaxed a little on this as he's happy to play alone some of the time and it's also good that he sees us get on with our own things. But at one year old, I expected DH to be WITH our child and actively looking after him and playing with him.

I also expected that DH would finish work on time and be home as soon as he physically could. He did his hours, then he's home because that is part of his life's responsibility too; he knows that I think BEING there is as important as earning money to provide.

I also expected fully that if DH was caring for DS that he would do ALL the caring, change nappies, dress him etc.

I also had the outlook that I was home to care for ds, not be a housework slave, so I have fought hard to make sure DH remembers to clear up after himself; and anything that needs doing in the evening we do it together. Luckily DH has always said that if he stayed home he would find it hard enough keeping up with a child let alone keeping the house tidy, so he's never once 'expected' that; god help him if he did!

To me this is part of what has helped to give ds and dh a truly special bond which I really love to see. Yes it's been a struggle sometimes as dh has needed things spelled out at times but he's for most part got on with it and shouldered his responsibilities.

So take heart, you are not being unreasonable; But as Anna says you need to talk. And a list is a really good idea. You need to both agree on what the expectations are so that everyone is clear, and you can get this resentment gone! Good luck.

[kindersurprise]

So, what do you do at weekends? Do you go somewhere together or stay at home? Does he do any of the less attractive childcare duties (changing nappies etc)

Sometimes it is nice that my DH takes the kids out at the weekend but I often spend the time doing housework. It would be nice if he would do the housework so that I could have the fun time with the DCs

[stleger]

My dh has been away for 3 weeks and has also been away over the last 3 bank holidays. Some people work longer hours than others, every family has to build its own routine.

[adventuregirl]

I have a friend whose dh gets back at 4.30pm!!!!
mind you , he still doesnt particularly help out!

[kindersurprise]

ok, sorry. That is a long day. I was just a bit jealous at the thought of your DH being home so early I think. Sorry!

[adventuregirl]

and the work is a separate issue - the issue is 'is he doing enough in the family' by spending his time at weekends / mornings in the way I described.
I know that other people's dhs work much worse hours, but what do they do with their dcs at the weekend?

[adventuregirl]

you misunderstood me - he works 9 - 6. so he leaves at 8.30 (which is great) and gets home around 6.45 / 7.

[kindersurprise]

Sorry, this is not what you want to hear, but getting home at 6pm is not late for me. My DH is rarely home before 7pm and starts work at 8am. Often he is just in time to put the kids to bed at 8pm.

He is working a bit less at the moment, he used to put the kids to bed then go upstairs to his office and work till 11pm. Till I put my foot down and said that he was not allowed to work in the evenigns. He often works at least a couple of hours at the weekends. In fact, it is very rare that he does not work at all over a weekend. Only happened twice in the past year I think.

Am I being too understanding?

[Anna8888]

adventuregirl - it's really very hard to judge from a post on MN whether you and your DH are making equivalent contributions to your joint life. Your feeling, however, is that you are currently contributing more than he is and you would like him to contribute more.

Have you tried writing down (for your eyes only) a very detailed list of what you do and what he does? And then taking a very long hard look at it and trying to assess whether you share the work and responsibilities of your joint lives fairly?

For what it's worth, I think your DH should definitely be tidying up after himself (leaving his clothes on the floor is totally unacceptable) and sharing care of your DS at the weekends and on the days you work, but you should probably let up a bit on the days you don't go to work.