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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect better communication from ex partner

11 replies

BritishIdiot · 20/03/2021 10:20

Ex p has the kids ages 1 & 3 at the weekends, which is great they're still bonding and having a good relationship. However the lack of communication regarding the dc is really starting to grate. I do not expect him to message all the time (I don't want to talk to him about anything else other than the dc), just a message at the end of the day along the lines of "hi British, dc are fine, today we...... Dc1 did..... Both eaten well, now fast asleep." but I get nothing, not unless I ask then its a 1 word reply such as "fine or yes or asleep" then I end up asking more questions which are either totally ignored or again, the one/two word reply. If I ask for a photo he'll send a blurry one, which I see as a fuck you. He's just not very forthcoming and it's really really starting to piss me off! If they were older I think I could just let him get on with it but they're 1 & 3, the one year old has some minor health issues.

I'm sure it's a control thing. This word is bounded about too much but he is a true true narcissist. Some of you may remember my previous threads.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 20/03/2021 10:25

It must be very tough when they’re so small, but I guess he doesn’t have to send photos/reply. He might see it as you interfering with/judging his parenting? You know, like you probably would if he was texting you questions all the time? I think, unless the children are not doing well with him, you have to try and take a deep breath and not contact him, knowing they’re ok. (Post not meant to be criticak(

Honeyroar · 20/03/2021 10:26

(critical)

EarringsandLipstick · 20/03/2021 10:27

Does he have them every weekend OP? I'd find that extremely hard, at such a young age too.

Does he have them full weekends?

If so, and he's not prepared to be friendly with calls / contact in that period, I'd agree something more formally. Eg 2 x texts a day / 1 x video call.

Photos etc I don't think are needed or that he should have to do that, really.

My youngest children were about that age when my very challenging H left. He didn't want them overnight so only saw them for a few hours at a weekend. I was overall pleased with that as I would have been really worried about him having them overnight. (I know many fathers has children of that age overnight & are perfectly responsible. Just thinking about my situation).

CatsHairEverywhere · 20/03/2021 10:28

Do you text him at the end of each day the DC are with you to let him know how they are?

TeaAndBrie · 20/03/2021 10:29

When they are with you do you message every day with an update? My DD is 14 now and been going to her dads since she was 1. I think you need to get used to the fact that he will tell you if something is wrong but don’t expect a daily update. When they return home you can ask what they’ve been up to before he leaves. He’s not offering childcare he’s parenting.

CatsHairEverywhere · 20/03/2021 10:30

If you don’t, you have no right to expect that from him. You can’t force him to communicate with you, it might suck but just ignore it and continue on with life. Getting angry and resentful just sets you up for a life of bad feeling

crimsonlake · 20/03/2021 10:33

I say this kindly but I think you are the one who is being 'controlling'. I realise this must be hard for you as they are still so young, but it is unreasonable to expect updates.

Original poster

BritishIdiot · 20/03/2021 10:34

Thank you for offering a different perspective that really helps. I do message him a few times a week with updates, and send pictures as I know he really misses them.

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/03/2021 10:34

I’m not surprised he doesn’t respond properly. Will you ring school every day to check how they are or ask for photos? Do you text him daily with an update and pictures?

You chose him to be the father of your children so obviously thought he was the best person for the job so let him parent.

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/03/2021 10:37

A few things.. are you unreasonable- no but you don't have that control.

You can ask but if he isn't going to give you that information stop asking because he is enjoying not answering.

I don't know how you have got in a situation of every wekend but wouldctake steps to resolve that.. even if your not working 3 year old will be in school 5 days a week soon.

RandomMess · 20/03/2021 11:21

Stop messaging him with updates and just have a handover book that stays with the DC and you both fill in.

TBH you can't make him engage with it.

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