To worry that DS plays mainly with girls or adults?

[Needausername99]

For context, DS is 4 and in reception (summer born so a younger one).

A teacher's comment has made me a bit concerned but I'm not sure why or if I'm BU for feeling this way.

She said DS has settled back into school well (great news). She then said that before lockdown, if his main friend wasn't in, he would quite often just follow her around. The thought of this has made me really sad and I hate the thought of him feeling lonely or isolated at school. It also makes me wonder if I've done something wrong in building his confidence or social skills. His key worker at nursery sometimes commented that he was more adult oriented too. He sometimes makes comments about children at school not wanting to.play with him but then tells me who else he ended up playing with.

When we could see friends, he would always gravitate to the other parent from a young age and wanted to talk to them/hold their hand (totally shunning me!)

He's a very caring and emotionally intelligent little thing. He quickly picks up on another child or adult being upset and will always offer them comfort. He can be quite sensitive.

This is where I'm probably being unreasonable but DS has also always seemed to gravitate towards playing with girls.

Whilst there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I guess I worry that there may he a time when there becomes a bit of an divide between the sexes at school. At the moment, they all muck in together but I remember at primary school, there came a time when boys and girls went through a stage of being totally disinterested in (and maybe showed a little disdain to) one another.

I'd hate for DS to be alienated if this happened or for him to miss out on play dates etc. because he doesn't have a boy group of friends and the girls playdates do just include girls?

I know it shouldn't matter who he is friends with but I can't help worry if it will ostracize him (wrongly so) later in life.

AIBU to worry about this?

This is not advice exactly, but just to say all through school we (a group of girls) had a male friend who just preferred female company. He was a lovely, caring guy who wasn't close to any of the boys in the school, but he was never ostracized but them.

He grew up to be a just as lovely man, happily married (to a woman if that makes a difference).

So I wouldn't think it's really anything to worry about.

Oh and we invited him to our sleepovers, even as teens.

He's making friends. I don't think it's too much to worry about.

My dd is primarily friends with boys. She's 9 and it's never been an issue. She gets invited to parties and around to her friends' houses. Occasionally I've been texted by other mums asking if she'd mind being the only girl at a party and she never does. Try not to worry too much about things you can't change, he sounds like he's a lovely person and he'll find his way whatever that might be.

I think this is quite common in young children. My DD definitely preferred boys when she was that age, and I can think of a couple of boys in her (small) year group who always played with girls.

By the time they were in mid way through Junior school, they more or less all were just friends with their own sex, which is a shame really, but it’s all normal.

He's only 4. Things will probably change a lot over the next few months and years.

Ds played with girls only until year 5. He found it hard to play with boys as he hates football and a lot of the boys played at break times. As he got older he found common ground and formed male friendships.

@Needausername99 he sounds a lot like my son. He had one main friend in reception (a girl) and if she wasn't around he would either be by himself or spend time with the teacher. He's also had a preference for playing with girls. He's quite gentle and not really a very active child and so I think he wasn't very interested in some of the 'boy games' that always seemed to involve a lot of running about. He also loves being around adults. He's very articulate and a massive chatterbox and adults often give him quite a lot of attention which I think is why he likes them so much lol! Also he didn't go to nursery until the year before reception so he was only used to adult company.

To reassure you though, since being in year 1, he's started to expand his friendships and now seems to play with a mix of boys and girls. His teacher says he's becoming more and more sociable and he's definitely more interested in his classmates than the teacher now. I've also noticed that he gravitates more towards children than adults now too when we're out and about.

They change and learn so much in these first few years at school, I honestly wouldn't worry that how he is now, will be how he is this time next year. Also some things that look or sound sad to us don't bother them! My son will sometimes come home and say he didn't play with anyone at break because so-and-so didn't want to play and so he just walked around the playground by himself. Sounds heartbreaking, but when I ask if that made him sad, he'll happily tell me that it was fun because he got to look for funny shaped sticks (or similar) lol!

My ds age 6 was exactly like this (and to an extent still is). He is naturally quite shy and sensitive. At nursery he played only with girls who tended to be less boisterous (without meaning to gender stereotype) and was quite reliant on adults. These friends remained his close friendship group into year R. He struggled starting school and would cry every day at drop off. I spent many days worrying about his attachment to me and shyness. At parties he would cling to me and refuse to play. However, as time has gone on he has got so much more resilient. He has friends of both genders and is happy at school. He is more confident but still has his beautiful kind and caring nature. As mums it is so hard not to worry but I'm sure your ds will be absolutely fine.

What are the other boys like in the class? Are they on the less boisterous side like yours or are they more rough and tumble? My son was not keen on football or war games that the others wanted to play and found similar quieter friends in boys but also had lots of girls as friends. He was once the only boy, at about 6, to a birthday party of 10 girls. He always got on with boys but didn't want to play with them. He is friends with more boys now he is older, a teen. But he still isn't interested in spending free time playing football etc so still hangs out with his other friends, boys and girls. Can I just add, by growing up being friendly with girls has been good, for the fact as he has got older he is comfortable talking to them, which other boys admire as they can struggle to talk to them.

@SleepySlugs

This is not advice exactly, but just to say all through school we (a group of girls) had a male friend who just preferred female company. He was a lovely, caring guy who wasn't close to any of the boys in the school, but he was never ostracized but them.

He grew up to be a just as lovely man, happily married (to a woman if that makes a difference).

So I wouldn't think it's really anything to worry about.

Thanks SleepySlugs - that's nice to hear.

No - it makes no difference at all to me whether he grows up to marry a man/woman/nobody as long as he is happy!

@Aria2015 yes my DS does sound very similar! It struck a chord that you say adults show a lot of interest in your DS as this is something I've noticed too - he seems to engage adults very well and they often form a soft spot for him.

Great point about things that upset us not bothering them too - whilst DS says no one wanted to play with him, he never shows much unhappiness about this and is always happy going into/coming out of school.

This sounds a lot like my DS who is now 21. He has always had more female than male friends but gets on superficially with men (he's a football referee!). He mixed with adults from a very early age and is extremely articulate. Now lives with his girlfriend and in his final degree year. I think he just finds women to be better company! He's lovely as I'm sure your DS is.

@PurpleMustang it's hard to get much of a feel. None of the children from nursery went to his school and drop offs/pick ups are so quick with little mixing (due to covid) it's hard to get to know many of them.

He did have a bad experience with a couple of boys at nursery who were quite boisterous and noisy and this seemed to upset DS.

I'm all for him having a wide range of friends, male and female and agree this will stand him in good stead later in life. It's just the in between stage that worries me!

Ah thank you @choirmumoftwo