Life as a shy and quiet person- support thread

[Hawaiianpizza29]

Introverted too. Has anybody else struggled with it throughout life?
It seems that many people don't accept it as the way somebody is and rather see it as something to be cured or worked on.

Bullied often at school for it, comments such as "You never shut up do you!"

I have been asked 'why' I'm quiet or shy.
There may be the odd comment about people who 'never stop talking' but it's not the same in my opinion.

I've been told "Wow I can't imagine you going to clubs/listening to X music/telling kids off."
I really struggle in social situations. Very fortunate to have a boyfriend I feel comfortable with and who is also introverted, but I find seeing other people hell sometimes.

In a group situation I tend to fade into the background. One to one, an hour tops is all I can manage before I make excuses to leave. I get so tired and drained and literally have nothing to say.

I've been rejected by dates for being too quiet and shy, by potential friends too.
I did see a therapist about it who told me to be true to myself and that I didn't need to change.

The shyness too is awful, I can feel myself going red and getting nervous when new people speak to me. Parties are an absolute nightmare, I tend to wander round on my own and make excuses to leave early.

I think I'm interesting though, I have various hobbies and travel often. I seem to do better when I have a shared experience with somebody such as working together.

I've fantasised many times about a WFH job where I don't have to interact with others. I've heard a colleague whisper that I was boring behind my back, and I'm considering changing job as I hate being alone with another colleague, they likely hate it too.

Just interested to hear if anybody else feels the same and has any stories or advice to share? I'm 30 now, thought things might improve but they haven't.

Think I have some form of social anxiety too, get nervous in crowds sometimes or things like walking through Tesco which sounds mad.
When I'm walking along I end up looking down at the floor and some people, even former teachers have said things like "I always look scared or worried" which makes me feel even worse in turn.

You are a naturally introverted person, there is nothing wrong with that, but I understand your struggles, especially when there seems to be a world of extroverts! As I have gotten older I have become more introverted, but have never been comfortable in groups of people.
there are things like CBT therapy for social anxiety, however, it I think it would help a lot more if people would just let you 'be' instead of drawing attention to the fact you may be uncomfortable. I really have no idea why people think it's a good idea to point out that someone has gone red, as if that is not going to make it worse!

I spent my childhood and teens like this, then realised that in fact it wasn’t something innate, and in fact I’d been raised by two parents who struggled socially, and a mother who thought nice girls blushed, spoke seldom, and said ‘I don’t mind’ a lot. I still require more time alone than an extrovert, but I have a lot of friends, enjoy my social life, and have a job that involves part solitary work, part talking to hundreds of people at a time. I’m not hampered by shyness.

I realise you implicitly didn’t ask for responses from people who thought this needed ‘curing’, but on the other hand, you don’t sound at all happy with the aspects of your life that involve being around others.

I’m the same. People can fuck off if they don’t like it. I find people unpredictable and selfish so I don’t like being in crowds. I was bullied at school because I was an easy target. I get told that I’m very quiet and asked if I’m shy. No Sandra, you’re just not interesting enough for me to bother to talk to you. I don’t do small talk. In a group I get ignored. I’ve been turned down for jobs because I’m too withdrawn and not smiley enough. When I was younger I used to cry because people didn’t want to be my friends. Now I think fuck them. I work a lot, I have DH and DC and my house to look after which eats up a lot of time, I potter round the garden and my plants don’t talk shit to me like people do.

The things that do help are hobbies with structured interaction. For example a games group where I’m guaranteed a turn to speak and play my move. I also benefit from coloured glasses which mute the world a little bit and make me feel sort of in a protective bubble, I’m currently wearing yellow lenses. You could also try CBT which helps to reframe your thinking and control your emotions.

Omg this is me , my whole life growing up esp teen and young person I had ' you never stop talking do you' as a jibe as i was so quiet, one person even decided to make me go as red as possible as it was apparently really funny. I had people make fun of me as a teen when i worked temp jobs in the summer from Uni, why do people do this? As an adult now in my 40's i am still a but shy sometimes but nothing like i was. I wont let someone intimidate me now and I can talk to people fine. I will always be the one who doesnt speak at large meetings or large social groups but I am more confident overall now.
If i see someone painfully shy like I was i am aware and am careful, there is nothing worse than cruel jabs

Thanks for your replies and kindness. I thought I would maybe grow out of it with age but haven't so far. My Dad is very shy too that said.

I do feel it's an extroverts' world sadly.

I agree it take 2 for a conversation to happen and I'm possibly putting too much pressure on myself sometimes when the other person may not be contributing enough either.

I will look at the CBT for certain.

I'm 30 too and my experience pretty much mirrors yours!
It would be extended family with the sarcastic 'argh be quiet' comments.
I've never been able to keep friends because they would make all the effort. I don't blame them. I think its my low self confidence telling me, why would they want to hang out with you? So I was never the one to get in touch.
I was assessed for ASD and attended counselling because of my quietness. At parents evenings it would be mentioned. Why is it thought to be such a problem? I was an average achiever at school, I didn't struggle.. so no idea why it mattered.
As long as you're happy with how you are, I don't think there's any reason to worry or change yourself (as if we even can)

Yeah that's something I've always hated, being asked, "Are you shy?" What ?!

Sorry to hear the bad experiences that others have had too. It really is sad.
A friend though I had potential ASD too as apparently I don't make enough eye contact.
However put me with the right people and I can hold my own. I goof around with my boyfriend and stuff but I'm too scared to do this with others.

I do need to try and be happier with who I am though.

This is me! I also do have social anxiety which I’ve now sort help for but I’ve also come to terms and made peace with the fact this just who I am through my CBT journey.

If people don’t like it they can piss off. I’m a great friend and person just because I need more alone time and don’t enjoy massive social situations doesn’t change that. My 2best friends understand and so does my wonderful husband. It feels amazing to be at peace with it after spending my whole childhood teens and twenties thinking of only I could be fixed! (I’m 33 now)

@Hawaiianpizza29

Sorry to hear the bad experiences that others have had too. It really is sad. A friend though I had potential ASD too as apparently I don't make enough eye contact. However put me with the right people and I can hold my own. I goof around with my boyfriend and stuff but I'm too scared to do this with others.

I do need to try and be happier with who I am though.

Same! I’m very funny and goofy around my husband. He used to say at first how come your not like that when we see xyz but now he understand and also loves the fact he gets to see that side of me like it’s a special privilege I’m that happy and comfortable

@Hawaiianpizza29

Yeah that's something I've always hated, being asked, "Are you shy?" What ?!

Omg I have had this too many times ...............

I feel your pain. I have always been quiet and shy, but manage it better than I used to and am accepting of myself - I am in my late 50’s now. There is room for every type of person. I have a rich inner life, I have friends, family and a partner, and simply don’t feel the need to fill silences with talk just for the sake of it. I think that is ok. If I have something to say, I will say it. There are plenty of us out there. You just don’t notice us for the extroverts making the noise. I have often thought I would like to experience being an extrovert for a day, just to see how it feels, but then would be happy to go back to being me as I am. Funnily enough, I am ok at giving presentations, as it is like putting on an act, and fine in one to one chats, but not great at parties. No great tips, I’m afraid, other than be prepared to push yourself outside your comfort zone occasionally, or you won’t know what you are capable of.

There's so much more to your personality than just being shy. I'd recommend you do the myers briggs personality tests, I'm really not exaggerating when I say I found them life changing. The results helped me reflect on my attitudes to others and to understand myself. As an introvert, I have traits which colleagues lack and I know I'm particularly incisive and logical. At the minute all you see is your shyness whilst there are also huge strengths to your personality.

I second taking the Meyers Briggs’ test... I found it changed how I thought about my personality.

For me, I thought being introverted, shy and socially awkward were all the same thing. Once I separated them out and worked on my shyness and social awkwardness I am a much more content introvert.

I was extremely shy and quiet when I was at school - I plucked up courage to attend a school reunion 10 years - apart from a couple of people I knew, no one could actually remember me! I remember at school being told how boring I was as I was so quiet and that really affected my self confidence and self esteem.
However, I'm in my late 40's now and I've definitely got better at talking and socialising - I think you get to the point when you don't really care that much about
what people think, and you definitely find people who are on your 'wavelength' with the same interests and outlook etc.
Plus I'm less tolerant now, so if I don't particularly like someone, i don't waste my time worrying about trying to engage with them.

Some people just refuse to see introversion as a valid way to exisr. i have a manager like this. I've been wfh for the last year or so and at first it was bliss. Only has to make small talk at the beginning/end of meetings, left to actually get on with my work the rest of the time etc. Unfortunately she has become intent in replicating all the worst bits of office life. Nagging us to try out the new 'virtual corridoor', putting conatant 'coffee catch ups' inthe siary (where we don't even discuss anythimg work related but are still required to join), telling me I have to make more informal calls to colleagues - just to have a chat/talk about what we watch on tv, lots of organised 'fun' for 'wellbeing' etc. Even if we are working on a document or something small that would be beat accomplished alone she insists that we get together/share screens etc. It's beyond frustratimg that sshe will not accept that this is NOT how everyone works best and some people find this takes more from them, rather than being good for wellbeing. Tbh she was like this in the office too. Always insisting in face to face discussions and meetings, when an email would have sufficed. Fircing us to walk to meeting rooms together/in a group. Ridiculous.

It's like the extraverts are determined to continue with their monopoly!

The other day I was thinking to myself: what would happen if we started talking to extraverts the way people talk to extraverts? Instead of 'I'm going to bring you out of your shell' we could say 'I think you should go back in your shell now. Maybe build a few doors while you're in there'. Instead of 'you're very quiet aren't you? You din't have much to say' we could have 'your very LOUD always aren't you. Don't you ever shut up and think?' and 'it's a bit weird going places on your own, don't you get bored' could become 'don't you ever do anything without attachung yourself to another person like a parasite? You must be exhausting for others!' 😅

Fucking typo's! My phone keyboard hates me, sorry!

I think it’s a benefit as nobody ever remembers you! Leave a job for less then stellar reasons? In a few weeks, nobody will remember you! Slipping out of a team building day to go and drink in a speakeasy? Nobody notices. You need to embrace it!

WFH has been helpful for me. I’ve found at work I’m either too quiet or when I try to make an effort to be friendly and chatty people think I’m weird! 🤷🏻‍♀️ Can’t win!

My experiences were similar to yours growing up. I was always made to feel like being shy was the worst thing in the world. As an adult, I felt I had to do everything I could to not appear shy and make a big effort to talk to everyone at work. Because it's not something I'm comfortable with I think I sometimes come across a bit manic and over the top. I now probably overshare too much as well. Which I think I now hate more than people thinking I'm shy. Stay true to yourself- there is nothing wrong with being shy...I need to try and remember that.

This is me. But after feeling miserable as a child I have made it my life’s work to improve my social skills by constantly listening to others conversations, how they deal with different interactions and applying it to my own situations. I’m 40 now and whilst I’m still a bit awkward and struggle for the right things to say, I can hold my own in a group and it’s helped my career.

It is exhausting though because whilst I don’t feel like I’m putting on an act as I’m just bringing out the fun and interesting person that exists in my head, it is tiring so I make a point of giving myself enough down time. I’m fortunate enough to work from home and don’t have lots of friends making demands on me. I’m hoping that by the time I get to the care home I’ll have got over the majority of my insecurities!

You don’t need to change op but if you want to make life easier for yourself you can do it, it just needs work.

@hangryeyes

I second taking the Meyers Briggs’ test... I found it changed how I thought about my personality.

For me, I thought being introverted, shy and socially awkward were all the same thing. Once I separated them out and worked on my shyness and social awkwardness I am a much more content introvert.

Yes, I think that’s key. Far too many people still view introversion as analogous to shyness, timidity or social anxiety, when they’re not the same thing at all. The OP may continue to need more time alone to refuel than an extrovert, which is a separate issue, but if her intense shyness is having a significant negative impact on her life, she can, and should, find ways to work on that so as to be happier.

A point on the Meyers-Briggs. One of the teams I work in did this exercise recently “as a bit of fun”. Out of around 15 people, I was the only one who came back as an introvert. And yet I am almost certain there are at least 2 others in the team (takes one to know one) , which means they probably faked their answers so as not to appear introverted. I find that quite sad.

I'm in my 50s and have had a lot of this in my life - being called 'cripplingly shy', 'you're so quiet', 'I can't imagine you doing xyz'. I've not had those comments for several years and these days wouldn't meekly accept it.

The best advice I can give is to be accepting of how you are. I no longer do things I don't enjoy eg big team dinners, and am not apologetic about it. I tell people I don't like big gatherings. I don't give many work presentations but try and stretch myself to do them, and my manager knows it is a stretch and is encouraging.

I've also done a lot of acting classes, which helped with getting used to being the centre of attention, though it's different when it's you being yourself rather than saying lines/improvising.

Find the strengths in your introversion - I use a lot of my time in creative matters, and I am very loyal to my friends. It's a fruitless battle to mould yourself into something you are not, though it's good to test the boundaries to see if you can do things that are uncomfortable. It doesn't then mean you have to do them all the time though if you don't enjoy them!

I have this too. If I am out with my mum, and she stops to chat to someone, I hide behind her. I am 41! My shyness has just got worse as I have aged.