I was terrified.... Possible TW

[TVDFan]

Yesterday evening, just before 6pm (still light), I took our dog for a walk around the estates.

As I emerge right from an alleyway between two houses, there is a man walking towards me. He was wearing his hood high up and a face covering of some sort so that only his eyes could be seen.

As we were walking towards each other, he didn't take his eyes off me and made no effort to move over slightly (I was as far left as possible). He wasn't just walking, he was charging.

I was terrified, felt incredibly uncomfortable. I thought he could easily take my dog, easily drag me back to the alleyway.

After we passed each other I kept looking over my shoulder. He had stopped and was looking back towards me. I have never felt so vulnerable in my whole life. I phoned my husband who came running to meet me.

WIBU to be so scared? I did have a little cry when I got back. I genuinely felt like something terrible was about to happen and have never felt so helpless/vulnerable

YANBU to be scared. It was an odd situation and it alerted your senses

You should always trust your instincts, as women we are conditioned to smile sweetly and accept it, your body was telling you to fight or flight and you wisely listened and called your DH

Your response was normal OP. He was being intentionally intimidating.

@Jessbow

I think its really difficult to judge, sorry you felt scared....

He was striding towards you....if he had slowed, would that have un-nerved you even more?

He kept his eyes on you. ....Maybe if he had looked away , THAT would have given you the collywobbles too ( He didnt meet my gaze/deliberately looked away )

Maybe he realise he had un-nerved you ( by his very existance) and was looking back over his shoulder to see you were okay- you were doing exactly the same thing- looking over your shoulder.

Try and build your confidence a bit. Most of the time Men are NOT a threat by their simple existance

It’s less likely though isn’t it? If he was a nice bloke and sensed anxiety he would have moved aside slightly and not played a game of ‘who’s in charge of the pavement’. He sounds like an intimidating dickhead. Op doesn’t need to build her confidence. Unless via self defence or martial arts classes.

@BigFatLiar

I never go out without my two big dogs and I taught them to stand in front of me and the child and bark loudly and intently when told protect (bark is less serious sounding when you give the command but for my dogs means the same thing, they are generally friendly)

If you teach your dogs to go in front and bark to protect do you not risk running foul of the dangerous dogs act. I'm sure there's a legal beagle can advise but I suspect that the mere fact you're teaching them to protect may be an issue. I don't think they have to bite merely to cause fear to be classed as dangerous. May be wrong, maybe someone can advise.

Technically yes, it is possible to fall foul of the law if somebody feels threatened by a dog barking playful on command (as my two do, as I said they aren't really trained for protection, just to speak on command) however as they are on lead, stop as soon as told, and always walking to heel I think it's unlikely it would stand up in court especially if the other person claiming to feel threatened was acting in an intimidating way themselves

The men we worry about are the very ones who will be revelling in the recent news about how scared women are. They will be feeding off that knowledge and delighting in it. It’s what they get off on.

And they look the same as all other men.

@Jessbow

I think its really difficult to judge, sorry you felt scared....

He was striding towards you....if he had slowed, would that have un-nerved you even more?

He kept his eyes on you. ....Maybe if he had looked away , THAT would have given you the collywobbles too ( He didnt meet my gaze/deliberately looked away )

Maybe he realise he had un-nerved you ( by his very existance) and was looking back over his shoulder to see you were okay- you were doing exactly the same thing- looking over your shoulder.

Try and build your confidence a bit. Most of the time Men are NOT a threat by their simple existance

'Most of the time' but how do you know when they aren't? I'd really like to know how to tell. As far as I'm aware there isn't an easy way to know which men are a threat, especially when they are acting in a threatening manner.

Nothing wrong with feeling the way you do OP, this is what we’ve all been trying to speak out against, the daily fears of just being a woman walking on her own in a public space. It must have been very frightening.

My similar experiences were both in broad daylight oddly! Although I was also stalked for over 15 years and he would follow me at night, I’m not counting those as he was known to me. My random experiences 1: Walking back from work in the summer around 8pm on a sunny night, very unsexy work uniform (similar to McDonald’s!) of fleece, polo shirt, shapeless trousers and vans, hair scraped back in a tight bun (not that I should have to justify what I was wearing). Fairly busy street in terms of traffic but no one on the pavement except me for a stretch. Hooded man on a bike starts travelling towards me in the opposite direction, on the pavement. He’s making eye contact from a distance. It’s a wide pavement so I move over as far as I can to give him space. He’s still staring at me and I feel he’s up to no good. I’ve got my keys ready. He’s now moved over and starts cycling at me at speed. I must look terrified. He’s smirking, he redirects his course slightly away from me so I breathe a sigh of relief. However as he’s passing me he breaks, makes a loud sound (like an angry “arrrrrgggghhhh”) and launches his arms at me to grab my breasts. I somehow manage to duck out of it, he bursts out laughing and goes “only joking” and laughs hysterically and cycles away. Eighteen months later it’s all over the local news that a cyclist has been caught for sexually assaulting a teenager. He used his cycle to intimidate her then raped her in broad daylight in a bus shelter. When I saw his picture, I recognised him as the same man and suspect he’s been escalating his behaviour and took advantage of the earlier lockdown when it was very quiet in the evenings.

Another one, going to see a play alone in London in July around 7pm. I’d been single for most of my adult life and still wanted to enjoy things without having to wait for a date or someone to ask me. Was loving being free and single in London in my early 30s after a recent heartbreak. It was a popular play and the audience were having to queue outside on the pavement to be admitted. I ended up closest to the street on the corner in the queue. I was feeling a little self conscious as everyone around me was chatting, having fun, excited. Literally, the minute I feel a bit self conscious at being alone I find myself spotted by this man walking in the direction of the queue - city gent type in a suit, trench coat, carrying a laptop back, double my size and around 40, white, fair haired, totally sober looking, just a commuter on his way home. When he spotted me, all of a sudden his face looked angry and I instantly felt dread. He charges right at me, grabs me around the tops of my arms and shoves me off the pavement almost into the road, then carries on walking. I was really shaken. I was in a crowd and no one noticed or intervened. Even weirder, 30 seconds later he returned to apologise! He came up to me and said “are you okay? I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Are you okay?” and I remember being even more terrified and backing myself against the wall of the outside of the theatre. He looked genuinely horrified at what he’d done. It was like he snapped and just wanted to be aggressive towards a random female. Probably returned home that night to his wife and kids as normal. It was at the time of the news appeals about the man shoving the female jogger in front of a bus in London. I think he knew the power that story was having and was using it to frighten a smaller, younger woman. I wonder if the man you encountered is exploiting the genuine fear and collective grief around the Sarah Everard case?

We will never understand what goes on in the minds of these men. I think they love to see that flash of fear across our faces. I’m sorry you had to experience that. But keep going on, don’t let it stop you living your life. Arm yourself as much as possible. The Hollie Guard app is brilliant. Starts recording a potential attacker, makes a loud noise, flashes and alerts your main personal contact that you are in trouble.

You dont know that they aren't, you cannot, hence every man is percieved to be a threat? has the world really come to that? Sad if it has.

So are we saying the man had no right to be there? Two people walking towards each other..... Yes if you are scared, you are scared, but boy, what is the world coming to, that a woman is scared simply because a man is going to pass her?

@Jessbow

You dont know that they aren't, you cannot, hence every man is percieved to be a threat? has the world really come to that? Sad if it has.

So are we saying the man had no right to be there? Two people walking towards each other..... Yes if you are scared, you are scared, but boy, what is the world coming to, that a woman is scared simply because a man is going to pass her?

I completely disagree with you and feel you are deliberately minimising what was said in the OP. Yes, men and women have a right to walk down a street, safely. But it’s really not difficult to judge what went on here as more than just a man walking down a street.

It’s inappropriate to charge towards a passerby.

It’s inappropriate to make direct, intimidating and prolonged eye contact. Especially at night when it’s a male/female dynamic.

It’s inappropriate to stay on the exact same course as the person walking towards you and charge towards them, especially when the other person has moved as far across as possible to let them pass.

It’s inappropriate, having done all of this to then stop and stare at the person you have done it to.

Why on Earth are you deliberately minimising the language the op used? Changing charging to striding? Looking back over his shoulder when actually it was op checking over her shoulder and he was stopped and continuing to look at her? No one would be intimidated by a random stranger not meeting their gaze. No one thinks her should have deliberately slowed, just walked at a normal pace rather than charging directly towards her.

The story isn’t “I was walking down the street and so was a man and I was terrified.”
You know it isn’t. And if you don’t, read the OP again.

How awful - I think almost any woman would have been terrified. He was clearly deliberately trying to frighten you, what a creepy cunt.

I hope you’re ok now

Oh it’s ok @TVDFan in a poster on another threads words, you should simply of told the man not to hurt you and that would have worked! Know you know for the next time

Back in reality however, I really hope you’re ok. It’s no wonder you were so shaken up, don’t blame you one bit

@Jessbow

You dont know that they aren't, you cannot, hence every man is percieved to be a threat? has the world really come to that? Sad if it has.

So are we saying the man had no right to be there? Two people walking towards each other..... Yes if you are scared, you are scared, but boy, what is the world coming to, that a woman is scared simply because a man is going to pass her?

Yes. Yes. And the world has always been like that. It’s not sad. It’s disgraceful.

No. How did you conclude that? And she wasn’t scared because he was going to walk past her. Are you a simpleton? She was scared because his non verbal cues were intimidating and she rightly interpreted them as such. Can you really not read such cues?
Women are better than reading non verbal cues than men because we have evolved to do so. Because it saves our lives and stops us being attacked. Over and over and over again. All through our lives.

*now you know

@Jessbow

You dont know that they aren't, you cannot, hence every man is percieved to be a threat? has the world really come to that? Sad if it has.

So are we saying the man had no right to be there? Two people walking towards each other..... Yes if you are scared, you are scared, but boy, what is the world coming to, that a woman is scared simply because a man is going to pass her?

I think this type of comment is disingenuous. Women are perfectly capable human beings, not hysterical idiots afraid of their own shadow. I have no doubt that if the op was afraid, it was because she had something to fear. I live rurally and walk, run, cycle locally alone most days. The vast majority of men I encounter doing the same activities bend over backwards to ensure that I am not made to feel uncomfortable or afraid. This man did the opposite.

I have discussed this with my son. He us a lovely but rather strapping 15 year old. I have said that he must make himself known if coming up behind a woman and give her as much space as possible. I do this myself when running or cycling so as not to startle someone. It is just affording another person basic human consideration. This man refused to do even that and actively behaved in a manner that scared her. Op trusted her instincts and I think she did absolutely the right thing.

YANBU at all, we get a lot of information from body language and there was clearly something off about his.
Second PPs recommendation about reading The Gift Of Fear

@BigFatLiar

If you were watching him coming towards you and you kept looking over your shoulder to see what he was doing perhaps he was standing thinking 'crikey what a weirdo, wonder why she was watching'. Perhaps he thought he knew you and was going to speak but wasn't sure 'was that TVDFan?'

Who knows

So you’re saying she scared him? Really? Jeez.

It really makes me sick that there are always women, particularly on here, who try and minimise or justify this kind of behaviour and only think of the poor menz and not the petrified women and girls on the receiving end of male intimidation and aggression.
I hope you aren’t raising boys.

Op, I’m sorry. What you describe is unsettling and your fear is justified. Hope you are feeling less shaky today.

So you’re saying she scared him?
Really?
Jeez.

Who knows? Only on mumsnet do we know what others are thinking.
When I was younger I was that person. Out jogging, not paying attention, ran into a couple of people (and a lamppost), fell off a kerb.

Perhaps he was a really nasty man, perhaps he wasn't paying attention.

We don't know and that doesn't stop the OP from being OK to feel scared.