AIBU?
To Feel like This About Helping Somebody?
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 19/03/2021 23:04
Thought about NC and decided 'Fuck it'.
I got a phone call today from a friend who moved hundreds of miles away back to her home county last year. Straight off, I trust her implicitly.
She explained that she's caught up with some old friends there since she moved and one of them noticed me on her Social Media. I've got a distinctive name, so there's no way I'm being mixed up with someone else.
Anyhow, this person's sister has apparently just escaped an abusive relationship. With my ex.
I know it's definitely him because my friend never knew his name, as I never really talked about the relationship or him. She knew I'd been in a shitty relationship up to about sixteen years ago when he fortunately decided to move on to pastures and women anew. She doesn't know just how bad it was, because it's compartmentalised in my head - it happened then, wasn't my fault, he's a cunt, he's long gone, DP is lovely, I'm about to get a great promotion at work with a shedload more money, things are tight and Covid has been shit, but we've got through it, the two of us together.
This woman's brother has asked if I'm prepared to communicate with her, because she's 'doesn't know if she's imagined everything that happened'.
I've said yes on condition my friend acts as a go-between so my contact details aren't shared and she forwards on an email with whatever the woman wants to say or ask. I've also said he knows where I live and I am afraid to poke the dragon, so I can't guarantee a reply, but I will read it and reply if I can via my friend - but, whatever happens, she should know that it wasn't her or her fault, it would have been him. I would like her to know that I have listened, understood and it wasn't her fault - it feels like that would be the right thing to do.
But I haven't stopped shaking since my friend told me his name, the name that she never, ever knew. Could this be an elaborate way of him getting to me? What if he finds out? What if she wants to report him for coercive control/domestic abuse/rape/attempted murder? Could I end up being dragged into a court case where the most likely outcome is not that he will go to jail forever, but that he will remember just how much he hates me and wants me to die? That means he's told her about me - so he still hates me enough after sixteen years for her to know my name.
Does that mean he's living hundreds of miles away now, or will he be back under an hour's drive from me, possibly even fifteen minutes away? What if it becomes my turn for his pure, unadulterated hatred of women again? What if I say nothing, I don't get involved because it's in the past and too difficult, she takes him back and he kills her? I'm not exaggerating there. I had a number of near misses - and I should have reported him, but I'm sure he would have got away with it, as he comes across 100% as a solid, MC high achiever, friends in respectable, high ranking positions, the sort of person the judge would feel was hard put upon, having to deal with a hysterical ex yet still remaining restrained and calm under great injustice. And then I would have had to look over my shoulder every moment of the rest of my life. And what about DP? He's tiny and gentle and sweet - the ex is literally a giant.
DP has said that he supports whatever I choose to do and if I can't pick up the phone or write a reply to whatever she sends, he can type whatever I say and email it on to my friend. This would mean potentially telling him details he will be incredibly upset to hear. He knows he can't raise his voice, he knows he can't drink particular things because of the smell, he knows he can't switch the big light on when I'm in bed or wake me up if there isn't a fire - he just doesn't know exactly why.
Ugggghhhh. Why am I shaking? This stuff was fucked off into touch years ago. I am safe with DP. I should be able to hear the bastard's name without dissolving into a quivering heap, even if it's coming out of the mouth of somebody who shouldn't know him.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What do I do? Do I stop being such a twat, read what she has to say and answer her and hopefully help her rebuild her life knowing it was not her fault and she is not mad? Or do I say I can't talk about it because if I do, he might come and kill me or because it might be some scheme in his head to have an excuse to come for me and DP ?
Shit. Better put a vote option up before this becomes a page of word vomit.
___
YABU - Are you fucking insane? Don't get involved. This has potential crime scene all over it, you as the blurry picture on the bottom left of page 7. Without any protests or vigils because, well, what do you expect when you stuck your oar into his business?
YANBU - Don't be a dickhead. Talk to her, you're overreacting. You might help. Or even save her life if she's vaguely thinking about taking him back if she apologises enough for being mad/controlling/mentally ill as he will have told her she is.
All I wanted to do tonight was slump on the sofa with a lamb shish, cup of tea and watch The Terminator (again). Not have all this in my head.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
therocinante · 19/03/2021 23:15
Do not get involved with this. Tell your go between you can confirm her friend absolutely isn't making it up and you believe her but that you won't retraumatise yourself getting any more involved than that and that you recommend she gets away from him. That's you more than done your part there: you are not required to unfold all that pain and go over things that happened to you for someone else, and you shouldn't.
I'd get yourself some therapy booked in if you already have a therapist, if not maybe consider having a short block of sessions - your PTSD, or what sounds like it, is being triggered. You need support for yourself, not laying all your worst moments bare, not even to help someone.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. Good luck, and keep yourself safe first. You can do that and still urge your friend to make very sure that the recent ex knows to steer clear, you don't need to pick at old wounds.
BarryFromEastenders · 19/03/2021 23:44
If it helps, know that you owe no one anything here. What he has done is not your fault. It’s no surprise this resurrection is disturbing for you. Also, even if you’ve said “yes” to your old friend, you can still say “actually, sorry, no. I can’t get involved.”
Defmy · 19/03/2021 23:50
Do not get involved with this. Tell your go between you can confirm her friend absolutely isn't making it up and you believe her but that you won't retraumatise yourself getting any more involved than that and that you recommend she gets away from him. That's you more than done your part there: you are not required to unfold all that pain and go over things that happened to you for someone else, and you shouldn't.
I completely agree with this. You have a responsibility to yourself and your lovely partner to stay in the present. Be loyal to your healing. You have already confirmed he is abusive. That's all she needs to know. If she's ready to hear it, that will give her the freedom to go. You cannot achieve what she would learn and discover in therapy. She needs to go and do that for herself, and start her own healing journey. You've already helped with that. Relax and breathe. Of course he's mentioned you. Small minded people like that do, it doesn't mean you're part of his present. But I do think you and your friend should firmly cut off any link between you and his new ex. There's no point retraumatising yourself.
ArcheryAnnie · 20/03/2021 00:02
You aren't overreacting.
I didn't click either option because there's a third option, which you have already done: you have allowed a message to be passed on to this other woman that she's not nuts, and it wasn't her fault. This is a big deal, and a big thing to already have given her.
However much you want to help, you shouldn't do it at the expense of harm to yourself, and you are already experiencing harm. There is no shame at all in stopping now, before that harm to your peace of mind gets worse.
Rose789 · 20/03/2021 00:13
I’m so sorry for what you went through, and what you are going through right now.
Your reaction is completely normal, and is completely valid. This has been sprung on you when you least expected it and your mind will be racing with what if’s.
You are in control now, you don’t have to respond to your friend or this lady unless you choose to. If that’s 5 years from now that’s ok.
Right now your priority is you. You do whatever will make you feel comfortable and safe.
When (or if) you ever choose to talk about what happened please know there is help out there.
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 20/03/2021 00:20
You sound like a lovely, caring, strong person OP who has battled hard to get through everything you have.
I know you feel dreadfully sorry for her, but please don't get involved, don't put yourself back in that place. I think what you have done already with the message that you've sent is more than enough.
I think if your friend knew the half of it then she would feel absolutely awful for even asking you to dig it all up again. It's not selfish to make yourself a priority, never forget that.
Wingedharpy · 20/03/2021 00:36
To be fair OP, from what you've written, you don't know that this woman wants to communicate with you. It seems to be her brother that wants you to.
As others have said, protect yourself.
You're clearly not as far away from all this, mentally, as you thought you were.
Stay safe and crack on enjoying your life.
okokok000 · 20/03/2021 02:11
"Do not get involved with this. Tell your go between you can confirm her friend absolutely isn't making it up and you believe her but that you won't retraumatise yourself getting any more involved than that and that you recommend she gets away from him. That's you more than done your part there: you are not required to unfold all that pain and go over things that happened to you for someone else, and you shouldn't."
This.
You've done well to rebuild your life. It seems this will very likely pull you back into a dark place and make you feel very unsafe. Whatever has happened to the other lady is sad. It the above would be sufficient. If that isn't enough for her (assuming what you're been told isn't a ruse), then it isn't your job to convince her.
Ultimately you need to do what is best for you.
partyatthepalace · 20/03/2021 02:33
So sorry for what you've gone through OP
I don't think you should get involved nor do you need to - you can just pass a message back confirming that he is an abuser and she is not nuts.
I also think you should consider talking to someone about your experiences if you feel that would be helpful.
I am in awe of how you turned your life around, you deserve every bit of it.
CreosoteQueen · 20/03/2021 05:25
I don’t think you should get involved OP. You sound so empathetic but this is clearly (and very understandably) causing you a lot of distress, and I would be very worried about how much it would take from you. It would likely be so triggering to hear this woman’s descriptions of her own abuse, and I think you would be placed in a state of great anxiety about your ex.
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. There are many other avenues of help and support available to this woman, and she will hopefully consider those now. You are totally right to put your own wellbeing first here, and I hope you do
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 20/03/2021 05:36
@CreosoteQueen
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. There are many other avenues of help and support available to this woman, and she will hopefully consider those now. You are totally right to put your own wellbeing first here, and I hope you do
This is spot on.
Perhaps it would be validating and helpful in some way to speak with someone else who has so closely shared your experience with this man. However, your understandable reaction indicates that, for you, the current risk:benefit is not in your favour.
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 20/03/2021 05:37
Why would you put yourself and DP through this??? You haven't even heard from her and it has already caused this much stress and anxiety.
Whatever you decide to do, please remember you are not responsible for other people's actions and reactions.
Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 20/03/2021 06:33
Yabu. You will spend the next 12 months wondering if they got back together and has she told him what you've shared about your experience with him. You have validated her experience already there is no value in rehashing your traumatic time with him.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.