Thought about NC and decided 'Fuck it'.
I got a phone call today from a friend who moved hundreds of miles away back to her home county last year. Straight off, I trust her implicitly.
She explained that she's caught up with some old friends there since she moved and one of them noticed me on her Social Media. I've got a distinctive name, so there's no way I'm being mixed up with someone else.
Anyhow, this person's sister has apparently just escaped an abusive relationship. With my ex.
I know it's definitely him because my friend never knew his name, as I never really talked about the relationship or him. She knew I'd been in a shitty relationship up to about sixteen years ago when he fortunately decided to move on to pastures and women anew. She doesn't know just how bad it was, because it's compartmentalised in my head - it happened then, wasn't my fault, he's a cunt, he's long gone, DP is lovely, I'm about to get a great promotion at work with a shedload more money, things are tight and Covid has been shit, but we've got through it, the two of us together.
This woman's brother has asked if I'm prepared to communicate with her, because she's 'doesn't know if she's imagined everything that happened'.
I've said yes on condition my friend acts as a go-between so my contact details aren't shared and she forwards on an email with whatever the woman wants to say or ask. I've also said he knows where I live and I am afraid to poke the dragon, so I can't guarantee a reply, but I will read it and reply if I can via my friend - but, whatever happens, she should know that it wasn't her or her fault, it would have been him. I would like her to know that I have listened, understood and it wasn't her fault - it feels like that would be the right thing to do.
But I haven't stopped shaking since my friend told me his name, the name that she never, ever knew. Could this be an elaborate way of him getting to me? What if he finds out? What if she wants to report him for coercive control/domestic abuse/rape/attempted murder? Could I end up being dragged into a court case where the most likely outcome is not that he will go to jail forever, but that he will remember just how much he hates me and wants me to die? That means he's told her about me - so he still hates me enough after sixteen years for her to know my name.
Does that mean he's living hundreds of miles away now, or will he be back under an hour's drive from me, possibly even fifteen minutes away? What if it becomes my turn for his pure, unadulterated hatred of women again? What if I say nothing, I don't get involved because it's in the past and too difficult, she takes him back and he kills her? I'm not exaggerating there. I had a number of near misses - and I should have reported him, but I'm sure he would have got away with it, as he comes across 100% as a solid, MC high achiever, friends in respectable, high ranking positions, the sort of person the judge would feel was hard put upon, having to deal with a hysterical ex yet still remaining restrained and calm under great injustice. And then I would have had to look over my shoulder every moment of the rest of my life. And what about DP? He's tiny and gentle and sweet - the ex is literally a giant.
DP has said that he supports whatever I choose to do and if I can't pick up the phone or write a reply to whatever she sends, he can type whatever I say and email it on to my friend. This would mean potentially telling him details he will be incredibly upset to hear. He knows he can't raise his voice, he knows he can't drink particular things because of the smell, he knows he can't switch the big light on when I'm in bed or wake me up if there isn't a fire - he just doesn't know exactly why.
Ugggghhhh. Why am I shaking? This stuff was fucked off into touch years ago. I am safe with DP. I should be able to hear the bastard's name without dissolving into a quivering heap, even if it's coming out of the mouth of somebody who shouldn't know him.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What do I do? Do I stop being such a twat, read what she has to say and answer her and hopefully help her rebuild her life knowing it was not her fault and she is not mad? Or do I say I can't talk about it because if I do, he might come and kill me or because it might be some scheme in his head to have an excuse to come for me and DP ?
Shit. Better put a vote option up before this becomes a page of word vomit.
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YABU - Are you fucking insane? Don't get involved. This has potential crime scene all over it, you as the blurry picture on the bottom left of page 7. Without any protests or vigils because, well, what do you expect when you stuck your oar into his business?
YANBU - Don't be a dickhead. Talk to her, you're overreacting. You might help. Or even save her life if she's vaguely thinking about taking him back if she apologises enough for being mad/controlling/mentally ill as he will have told her she is.
All I wanted to do tonight was slump on the sofa with a lamb shish, cup of tea and watch The Terminator (again). Not have all this in my head.