Context: 7 year old and a 4 year old. 9 year old HFA and ADHD. Single parent.
Every day just feels like a miserable race to bed time. Not that the eldest will let me actually sleep at night anyway as he wakes up a good 4 or 5 times a night.
I can't work because often the ASD child will refuse to go to school, gets excluded, I'm always getting called into school etc plus he wouldn't be able to attend wrap around care.
I just feel so stuck, the children fight constantly and I cannot even do basic things- washing up, shower etc at weekends when they're both home all day because eldest will cause some kind of a problem/ do something dangerous or they will fight.
Can't walk down the street without eldest walking backwards/spinning around/shouting and then the youngest copies and it's compete chaos.
I just wish I was able to get a job, some adult interaction of some sort, use my brain instead of being so so bored and fed up and stressed all the time.
I know I shouldn't find it this hard because eldest is in school and youngest does half days at nursery every day but as soon as they are together I find it impossible, and when they're at school I don't seem to have the will to do anything much constrictive.
I'm finding it impossible to get the motivation to do anything, I even end up thinking all the time "oh I could just step out into this road and get myself killed" but I don't and I won't because then who will look after DC?
I lost my temper tonight and shouted at them and I feel awful. Their dad messaged this evening to cancel having them for the day tomorrow, and i had asked them to take their toothbrushes to the bathroom and they started fighting and I shouted and refused to read them a story and now I feel terrible. I'm really struggling and having him cancel having them, which means I'm going to have to explain to them they won't be seeing them and eldest will be thrown off all day from the last minute change of plans.
I do have some MH issues too I'm curry doing CBT for ocd which hopefully will help a bit but i just don't know how to not be miserable all the time and dread trying attempting parent. I'm perfectly fine being single and have no intentions of getting into a relationship any time soon but I can't help but feel so envious of those with two parent families, well behaved easy children and a life/job outside of parenting too.