I’m not coping

[KirstyPhoenix]

I have a 6 month old and I love him very much, but I’m not coping. He is whinging/crying all day. He loses interest in everything after 2 minutes and just cries. He has allergies so I have had to cut out loads from my diet And am waiting on a dieticians appointment. He won’t take a bottle so I can have a break. He’s teething and is just so unhappy all the time. I’m on my own most of the time, my DH works long hours. I have no one else around to support me. I am on medication for PND. I hate my body, my face is disgusting and my hair is ruined since having him. I have to wear my husbands clothes. I just sat and ate half a tub of ice cream (dairy free) and I’m disgusted with myself. Today I lost it. I put him in his cot and then threw a book against the wall and then sobbed and sobbed whilst he just stared at me. I got him out and cried into his shoulder. I feel like I’m screwing him up.
He only sleeps 2 hours at night before he feeds again. We’re cosleeping because it’s the only way I can get any sleep. I can’t nap during the day. I don’t do anything for myself, all my hobbies and work are gone because he needs attention constantly. I am really struggling, what can I do? There is no one to support me. I don’t want to sleep train as that will make my depression worse. I DONT regret him and love him more than anything but he’s so unhappy. He hates the car so I am stuck walking around my boring tiny town. I feel like I’m failing him. I want him to be happy but how can he be when I lose my temper and cry? He must be picking up on it? I don’t know what to do.

Shameless bump

I feel for you op. I’ve been there
You need to tell all this to the health visitor
So they can point you towards the help on offer

Can you reach out to family or friends - caring / support bubbles are allowed
Don’t beat yourself up You are doing the best you can on minimum sleep
You’re not disgusting - it takes at least a year to recover from pregnancy and birth Teething can be an awful time but it won’t be forever
My third one cried a lot. I just kept him strapped to me in the chest carrier and in bed with me at night

It’s hard & nobody can blame you for feeling the way you do, it is very hard to have perspective especially when you are midst of it, sleep deprived & especially now when there is so little opportunity for real life support - so firstly, don’t be so hard on yourself, it sound like you are doing a great job.

Secondly- this will pass, he will start sleeping better, you will feel better about yourself, your post-pregnancy hair loss will grow back, your body & face will recover. Try talking in a non-confrontational way to your DH & just ask him if he could support you (slip in an ‘I really appreciate you working so hard & you are amazing’ before the ‘I’m finding it really hard & if you could take over for a bit whilst I have a bath/crawl under the bed and hide/go for a walk...’ or whatever you can/need to do right now).

Also if you can then buy some cheap but comfortable clothes which are temporary - even if it’s comfy loungewear or leggings and a slouchy sweatshirt that make you feel better. For me doing a hair mask, actually drying my hair, digging out some make up & being clean & whatever version of ‘normal’ I could muster helped.

Mainly though I just wanted to say I’ve been there, it’s a bit shit but it does end and you’ll be ok! Hope you feel a bit brighter soon (I remember the first time DS1 slept for 5 hours - apart from the instant fear, aching boobs & weirdness of actually having slept I then felt amazing all day...then it started happening more & more & one day I realised I actually felt like I could think straight..it’s a short amount of time in the big scheme of things but near impossible to articulate to someone who hasn’t experienced it). Good luck

You poor thing. Sounds so tough. Are you giving him Calpol for the teething?

At six months you can start giving him purées and baby porridge. That might fill him up and help him sleep a bit longer at night?

I hope others will be along with wiser words! It is so tough, I know. Every day you get through is a small victory.

Sending big hug and if we knew where you were many of would be round to help.

It sounds like it has all got on top of you. Is there absolutely no one locally who can help? Can you ask your hv about local support groups? Company of other mums would help - give you someone to talk to and help you through the day.

Hair will get better - once the hairdressers open let your partner know when you are going for a haircut. My hair is a state and hasn't been cut since last august and I just can't wait.

Clothes - it's super hard when nothing fits but soul destroying not to be able to wear anything. Order a few outfits now that fit.

Lastly once gyms/pools open - can you agree a regular time slot that you can go to a class? It isn't about losing weight but having time for you and all the happy hormones that get released in the warmth

Finally - I think the first 6 months of a baby are the hardest.

You poor thing. Having a baby is so so hard, especially when it's your first and they're not the most settled. Add in allergies and a pandemic and it's a miracle you're still standing tbh.

My first was an unhappy baby, silent reflux in her case. Those first six months were about the hardest thing I've done. It's not just the not sleeping, it's the relentlessness, the crying, the complete implosion of my life that was suddenly unrecognisable while DH got to head out to work everyday as normal.

It will pass, I promise. And my second baby is just generally happier which also makes me feel much less guilty about struggling with DD1! I found it hard because it genuinely was bloody hard.

You clearly need more support and more time off. Why is your DH working such long hours? He needs to cut back for a little while if he can at all. When he's home, he needs to be working hard at housework and minding the baby to give you a break. Can he take the baby on weekends mornings to give you some time in bed?

Op are you on anything for your PND? If you're not, please go to your GP. If you are, maybe you need a higher dosage!

Also harlg

@Birdslovesinging

Op are you on anything for your PND? If you're not, please go to your GP. If you are, maybe you need a higher dosage!

Also harlg

Also are you expressing? If not, maybe you could so that your husband can do night feeds at the weekend.

You are NOT failing him. Having a newborn is hard work, pandemic or not. Add in PND and its the worse! As far as I'm aware you can form a bubble with someone because of the age of your baby. Do you have family & friends close by?

Talk to your HV and consider weaning him onto solids. It sounds very tough.

You’re not failing him, it’s just bloody hard.

If you can afford it buy yourself a few little treats and, as above, some clothes that fit, a bit of makeup..anything to make you feel a bit more normal.

My heart goes out to you. Having a baby in normal times is tough, but with no baby groups running it's so hard for young mums. Isolation and boredom when coping with young children are real issues and not taken nearly seriously enough IMO.

It may not help to say it but it will pass. My youngest was a constant whinger and it got me so down. I remember pulling over in the car one time when she had been crying, as usual, in the back and I just screamed and cried. She's 23 now and an absolute delight!

Do you have family, a friend, a neighbour who could give you a break? You are allowed a support bubble with a baby.

Your post reminded me of how hard it was when my daughter was the same age. She’s almost 3 now and life really is so so much easier and better. She’s an absolute love.

My saving grace was another mum also with a non sleeper who was happy to have the occasional wine with me in the garden and laugh about our struggles. It helped so much to not be alone and to know it wasn’t me failing.
Baby’s are bloody hard!

You aren’t failing him, you are there for him being mum even when you are on your knees.

Things will change, hang on in there. Are there any walk and talk type things near you? Any NCT or other activities running?
Just being able to talk about it with people living through the same is amazingly helpful xx

I hope you’re ok. I think having babies is dreadfully hard and lonely, even with a hands-on DH. Friends - other women- get most women through. We are more isolated than ever now, I can’t imagine how tough it must be for you. But you are a mother now, and we are tough. You are not failing your baby, you are there for them, no matter what. Solids for baby is a good shout and calpol can be taken alongside calprofen. Antidepressants for you defo help but you need company by sounds of it. And pandemic makes finding company hard. Is there a neighbour you could knock for and see if they’d have time for a cup of tea? Hard I know. Stay strong. It helped me to be told by another mum that all things pass. This time will pass. I didn’t believe it but it really is good advice. I clung to it at times in those early years.

Sending a hug. Its hard bloody work x

OP I really feel for you.

Lots of good advice above, but I would just reiterate giving your GP a ring on Monday - PND is no joke, and neither is a baby that doesn't want to sleep. Discuss with health visitor but it might be a good time to stop BF also.

I could've pretty much written this, except mine is 8 months, my third and i'm working full time from home (self employed). It is absolutely brutal. I feel for you so so much, it is so hard isn't it? My husband is sleeping in the spare room so he can have decent sleep at least while we co-sleep and she feeds all night long, won't take a bottle at all.

What I will say is that having 2 previous babies this WILL pass and get better, they will start to sleep better and be more independent from you, even though it doesn't seem like it. That is what is keeping me going. Literally 3 weeks ago she started napping on her own, and will do a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day. This came out of nowhere, and she won't do it every day but it feels like the most enormous progress for such a small thing. Don't give up, and keep trying, things will get better.

Sending you solidarity!

Hi OP, sending you lots of hugs, it's really hard work especially during these first six months, and on top of that with Covid restrictions. I remember being really depressed and shouting/screaming, so don't be hard on yourself when you snap. It happens. It's a really tricky age because there is not a lot they can do and they require you constantly.

What helped me was talking to my Health visitor about my depression and she referred me to the charity Mind, in here they have support groups for mums and I attended a weekly group with them, with covid right now, it's all online. Our local children centre is also running support groups and parent classes online atm, is there something similar to this on your area? My health visitor also visited me several times to check on me.

I also tried to go out at least once a day, even though I'm really tired, it's just a break in routine. Precovid I'd join lots of groups but it's tricky now, maybe there are online ones? I also learned breathing techniques so when I'm about to snap, I leave baby in the cot or playpen and go to the toilet, put on some earphones and do really large breathes.

I think it's also important for you to talk to your DH and see if he can give you a break and take some time off work. Also push for the referral to the dietitian for the allergies. My DD was allergic to and this was mostly the reason why she always cried, it really helped us for her to get referred to a paediatritian and dietitian.

You aren’t failing, OP. Babies are really hard, and you’re doing this mostly by yourself in a pandemic.

I think you need to speak to your husband about you getting at least one, preferably two, mornings a week where you get to sleep in and he takes over the baby. Ideally send them out for a nice 2hr walk so you have proper peace and quiet.

Secondly, try to remind yourself that it won’t actually harm the baby to grizzle a bit. If he’s safe, fed, clean and warm, strap him in the sling or his bouncer and stick your headphones on for a bit. Anything to give you some respite.

This is a season, and it will pass. You’re doing so well, and you will get through it.