My mum won't get the vaccine

[lockdownbabyx]

This last year has been horrendous, my 65 year old mum has been living in fear of catching the coronavirus and has become a hermit. She lives with my dad and brother, but spends every hour of the day in bed because she's scared of mixing with my family. Like most people, she hasn't seen grandkids, except from a distance at the door.
My mum suffers with severe anxiety anyway, mostly to do with her health. She's never had a mammogram, smear test.. nothing. Because she's afraid of the outcome. She spends her life in bed watching tv and smoking her life away.

Now she's been offered the vaccine twice and changed her mind on the day of the appointment each time. She's now point blank refusing to have it because of what's been reported about blood clots.

My siblings and I are all sick and tired of it at this point, we all just want to be able to hug our mum again and for her to see her grandkids. I'm pregnant with my first and at this rate she isn't even going to be able to hug him/her when the time comes. My sister works as an adult nurse so for her it really is a slap in the face that my mum is refusing the vaccine. We can't force her, but she's going to live in fear either way!

I did lose my temper a bit and said she's more likely to get a blood clot from laying in bed 24 hours a day and smoking, that didn't go down well. But it's true! I'm at a loss with what to do 🤦🏻‍♀️. We've asked her to speak to someone about her anxiety but she refuses to do that aswell.

There's really nothing you can do, sadly. Adults get to ruin their own health if they want to. And you've tried speaking to her and got nowhere.

If you want you can set your own boundary and say that you won't see her and she won't see her DGC unless/until she gets the vaccine. Or maybe her feelings will shift given time. But you'd have to be prepared to follow through on that, and mean it. There aren't any easy answers.

There's nothing you can do really.
You're not unreasonable to be upset that she won't be able to hug you and your baby.

The only thing I can suggest is ringing her GP and asking him/her to call her and have a chat. It seems (from the telly!) that GPs personally calling patients and answering their questions/reassuring them is effective in getting the vaccine hesitant to accept it.

Bottom line though, she's an adult and she can refuse. And yes, you're right, lying in bed smoking is far more likely to lead to her death than getting a vaccine!

I suspect her issues are quite deep. Anyone with such anxiety at any tests or protection who yet smokes herself to death is probably dealing with some MH problems that are beyond just reasoning from loved ones.

Could it actually be a fear of leaving the house rather than a fear of the vaccine at this point?

Surely if she is staying in bed all day she needs to talk to a professional to help with her anxiety

“
I suspect her issues are quite deep. Anyone with such anxiety at any tests or protection who yet smokes herself to death is probably dealing with some MH problems that are beyond just reasoning from loved ones.”

^ This is exactly what came to my mind too, unfortunately. I’m so sorry, this sounds so difficult for you. :-(

Your sister is a nurse. It is not a slap in the face. Your mum has anxiety issues that preceded COVID. Your sister should understand and support her through this not judge her for it more than anyone. You can't bully someone into complying of your sister was a decent nurse she should at best give her the positive reasons and persuade her to have it for the right reasons or realise she can do whatever she wants.

It sounds like she is quite unwell mentally - could you ring the GP and ask them to organise a visit.

All you can do is keep repeating the facts, and pointing out she is missing out on her grandchildren. It's frustrating I know.

My mother is also refusing the vaccine. She is still going by her business but I think she is ill-informed like the 40% of over 50s in Hackney that have refused the vaccine. She is incredibly stubborn and I would say selfish. She thinks God will save her if she gets Covid badly. Science overrides all right about now.

I've decided to just let it be. I don't want to fall out with her but she won't be coming to see my children if she isn't vaccinated.

Your mum has far greater problems than just the vaccine.

Presumably she's being enabled to stay in bed? Someone brings her her meals, and buys her cigarettes? What's your DF's stance on this? Who is looking after the house and doing the shopping? She needs encouraging out of bed first of all.

@Ilovechinese

Do not try to force her to get the vaccine! You are tight its not healthy to stay in bed all day or smoke so encourage her to get out more and go for walks but please dont try to force your poor mother into getting this experimental vaccine!

Experimental? There's no hope for some people

To be honest, my mother spending all day in bed would be the far bigger concern for me. She sounds like she needs professional help before she could even begin to think about attending a vaccine appointment.

She's suffering debilitating anxiety, that needs treatment before she can make a good decision.

Sorry, it sounds a nightmare.

It sounds like her mental health is really impacting on her physical health. And if she’s never had a smear test or a mammogram I’m not sure you’ll get her to have the vaccine. I agree with seeing if she’ll chat to a GP but the focus has got to be on her anxiety and getting her out and about again (including the vaccine). It doesn’t sound like normal behaviour at all. My DM isolated sensibly at first but is now back to doing some shopping, going for walks etc. She was absolutely delighted to get her first jab.

Agree with others, the vaccine seems the least of your worries here. Anxiety so severe that she stays in bed all day needs treating. Do that first.

Did she do things before Covid? One of my friends parents was refusing the vaccine resulting in a massive row on Christmas Day but what he hadn't realised that by not having it he would be permanently going without visits to cafes, holidays because his wife was worried he would bring it home.

Or is she so frozen she is in bed anyway?

My DA had the vaccine after two horrendous years health wise and she was better than I, no side effects at all

@Ilovechinese

Do not try to force her to get the vaccine! You are tight its not healthy to stay in bed all day or smoke so encourage her to get out more and go for walks but please dont try to force your poor mother into getting this experimental vaccine!

What a ridiculous post. Experimental? Could you please provide some reputable scientific evidence to support such a damaging statement ? The sort of invidious sly statement that sows doubts and costs lives .

What experimental vaccine are you talking about @Ilovechinese ? OP is talking about the CV vaccine, which isn't experimental.

@Ilovechinese

Do not try to force her to get the vaccine! You are tight its not healthy to stay in bed all day or smoke so encourage her to get out more and go for walks but please dont try to force your poor mother into getting this experimental vaccine!

Please don't pay any attention to uneducated conspiracy theorists like Ilovechinese.

There’s nothing you can do, if isn’t ready to be parted from her anxiety. You can’t reason with your mum’s anxiety and you only hurt yourself in doing so.

Your poor mum.
Can you or your sister contact the GP on her behalf? I know mental health services are decimated and patchy, but maybe there is someone there who would help her with her anxiety. If she is so terrified she lies in bed all day, then she really needs help. I'm sure you've tried this route already, but I think you may need to try again.