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Original poster

Would this be inappropriate?

31 replies

MissCMalfoy · 19/03/2021 10:09

Posting here for traffic as I need opinions quickly.

I'm an NHS domestic working on a care of the elderly ward. There's been a patient in for a few weeks who I've gotten to know through chatting to her while I work. She's a really nice woman and through our chats I've learned she lives in the same area as me, has no living family in the country as her only son has emigrated and she's mentioned that all of her friends have passed away. I've really enjoyed chatting to her and she always tells me what a lovely woman I am and that she enjoys our chats. She's going home today and has said that she will miss talking to me which made me sad!

Would it be inappropriate for me to give her my phone number and tell her she can phone if she ever wants to chat or to go for a cup of tea when things open up? She has full capacity, no dementia etc. I've had a look at my trusts policies and can't see any guidance on this. So just wondered what you all thought? I just hate to think of her going home and having not a soul for company!

Thanks in advance for any replies!

OP posts:
Swordfish1 · 19/03/2021 10:32

I think that is a lovely idea. You would be visiting/ chatting as a friend so I can't see there would be any issues to be honest.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 19/03/2021 10:37

I would!

Amigoingmad29weeks · 19/03/2021 10:39

I would take advice from your manager on it. But if handing the number over in your work place/ while on shift I'd say it's probably a no.

Original poster
MissCMalfoy · 19/03/2021 10:44

@Amigoingmad29weeks That's what I was thinking because I'd be doing it while in my role as a member of staff. My manager isn't in today. That's a shame!

OP posts:
SugarCoatIt · 19/03/2021 10:46

I think you need to be very careful OP, I'd mention it to a Manager first.

SixyTixts · 19/03/2021 10:46

Can you call your manager?

ChelseaCat · 19/03/2021 10:48

OP, I think it’s really lovely that you’re thinking of doing this but personally I think it is inappropriate. It’s overstepping the boundaries of your role.

Before you act, I would definitely speak to your manager as I would be worried about the potential consequences for you if they found out afterwards.

ChelseaCat · 19/03/2021 10:49

Just seen that your manager isn’t it today - maybe ask the ward manager or nurse in charge instead?

AaronPurr · 19/03/2021 10:49

I think it sounds like a lovely gesture, but it has the potential to go very wrong. I would pass on some befriending numbers / groups etc, but I wouldn't give your number

TinCanCollector · 19/03/2021 10:51

Yes it would be inappropriate.

Original poster
MissCMalfoy · 19/03/2021 10:52

Thanks all, I won't do it. Not worth getting into bother over it. Maybe I will bump into her at the local shopping centre one day!

OP posts:
AlCalavicci · 19/03/2021 10:53

I agree with PP you should run this by your manager / trust first.

Could / would she give you her address ? you could write to her first , my DM did this when she made friend with someone while they were both been treated in hospital many many years ago ( I know it is different circumstances ) they became very good penpals and also meet up about once every 2 months for lunch

RunnerDown · 19/03/2021 10:56

I am retired but worked in the NHS. I know you are being kind but befriending an older person with no family could be interpreted in all sorts of ways. As an NHS worker you should be friendly and empathic , but there should be very clear boundaries between you and any patient .

HarmonyHedges · 19/03/2021 10:58

What a shame. I don't see why this has to be considered inappropriate, necessarily. I meet up socially with one of my former consultants who is now retired. Who would complain about it anyway?

Knittedfairies · 19/03/2021 11:01

I think it lovely you would want to do this, but it could go horribly wrong

Barcodes · 19/03/2021 11:10

@HarmonyHedges

It leaves you open to all sorts of allegations as you are in a position of trust. Sadly there has been multiple cases of people meeting in similar ways where the nhs person has been cruising for dates from vulnerable people, befriending people then ended up receiving substantial sums of money etc. Theres little tolerance due to some people deliberately getting jobs to get access to people, but Its not always that the person goes in with bad intentions but often it becomes messy.

Unfortunately the nhs person is the professional and anyone they come across is likely to be seen as vulnerable (eg as you've seen them undergoing medical treatment, stuck on a ward etc)

ChimpMcGarvey · 19/03/2021 11:20

A friend of mine complained about a hospital staff (funnily enough, also a domestic staff) who befriended her mum.

They started meeting up but it was always mum that paid for the coffee and sandwiches. Staff would insist on driving mum to the shops rather than let her get the bus, but would then take petrol money off her, or have mum pay for her ‘little’ basket of shopping at the checkout as a thank you for the lift. Staff ended up working as mums cleaner for 2 hours a week (cash in hand, of course) at an extortionate hourly rate and would spend the time drinking tea and eating biscuits and chatting, no cleaning got done.

Lots and lots of little things like that, mums “I’ll get the coffee, my treat” became an expectation she’d pay every time, which started escalating over about 9 months, and basically turned into a bigger picture of financial manipulation.

Now I’m not saying that’s your plan, but you have to consider how even the smallest thing might be interpreted. Besides anything else, you’ll find it’s probably against your NHS trusts guidelines.

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 11:22

It's completely inappropriate, but I agree with a PP that you could pass on details of groups she could join, if you know of any.

Vursayles · 19/03/2021 11:24

Agree completely with @Barcodes.

It is a real shame but this is the world we live in unfortunately. Offering a bit of friendliness and company to lonely old lady is not worth the OP risking her career. She cannot leave herself vulnerable to any allegations regarding her intentions.

There have been cases where professionals have been bequeathed amounts of money or valuable gifts in wills which the family have contested, stating coercion. In cases such as those it’s almost impossible to disprove. Any contact outwith the boundaries of professional duty would be deemed irregular, regardless of the intent.

I’m so sorry for the old lady OP but very glad you’ve come to that decision.

Emeraldshamrock · 19/03/2021 11:27

It is a lovely idea but I don't think it'd be okay. Do you have a Crb check for your job? Can you make the arrangement through a charity so it is legitimate? I'd ask your superior before making a decision.
For your own protection and hers, if they was any accusations made you'd be in trouble. I know we shouldn't live in fear of accusations you can't be too careful.

FooFighter99 · 19/03/2021 11:29

I wouldn't not do it, I'd just check with my Line Manager first

I work for the NHS and I know how lonely some of our patients get - I think there is nothing wrong with befriending a patient so long as you don't plan on entering into a romantic relationship with them

But definitely explain the situation to your LM and get a steer from them

FooFighter99 · 19/03/2021 11:32

@ChimpMcGarvey

A friend of mine complained about a hospital staff (funnily enough, also a domestic staff) who befriended her mum.

They started meeting up but it was always mum that paid for the coffee and sandwiches. Staff would insist on driving mum to the shops rather than let her get the bus, but would then take petrol money off her, or have mum pay for her ‘little’ basket of shopping at the checkout as a thank you for the lift. Staff ended up working as mums cleaner for 2 hours a week (cash in hand, of course) at an extortionate hourly rate and would spend the time drinking tea and eating biscuits and chatting, no cleaning got done.

Lots and lots of little things like that, mums “I’ll get the coffee, my treat” became an expectation she’d pay every time, which started escalating over about 9 months, and basically turned into a bigger picture of financial manipulation.

Now I’m not saying that’s your plan, but you have to consider how even the smallest thing might be interpreted. Besides anything else, you’ll find it’s probably against your NHS trusts guidelines.

Absolutely this

And it's so sad that there are people like this who take advantage

OP, it would be lovely of you to befriend this patient, and it's the sort of thing I would do

It's just a shame that it might be though to be inappropriate due to the behavior of less scrupulous individuals!

PlanetPuddle · 19/03/2021 11:47

Completely inappropriate but I understand. It must be hard to care but have to keep it professional

Original poster
MissCMalfoy · 19/03/2021 11:50

Thanks for all the replies. And I completely understand all the points made. I just wasn't sure if it might be allowed since she'll no longer be a patient and if I just gave my number it would the be up to her if she wanted to make contact, iyswim. I won't do it but it is a shame, I've enjoyed chatting with her and feel really sorry that she's not got anyone. And I'm disgusted by the story about the domestic but tbh I can imagine a few of my colleagues doing something similar.

OP posts:
WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 19/03/2021 11:55

Really tricky. It's so important to make these human connections and it might mean the world to her. But you are opening yourself up here. If you give your phone number there is a huge risk she would take your 'friendship' in a professional capacity. The dynamic is risky.

If you were to contact her after, also inappropriate. You'd be using her personal data to contact her (address or phone).

I think Facebook friends could work here. But doubt she has Facebook?

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