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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be irritated by ostentatious attempted wokeness?

41 replies

DoinmeEdin · 18/03/2021 22:43

Colleague has discovered gender politics and is getting on my last nerve.

It started out as dropping random observations into unrelated conversations eg when others are talking about what to have for lunch she'd say: "some people don't think there's any difference between men and women. I think they're right" which I ignored, thinking she's got three kids herself so probably has a fair idea as to how it all fits together.

But now it's progressed to her constantly referring to every single person as they/them in a very pointed way with a little glance to let you know in doing so she's doing something terrifically progressive. Eg "I've asked Jane if they can put their document in the shared folder" or "Pete said they've forgotten their keys". It doesn't even make sense and sounds unhinged.

AIBU to find this grating?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2021 07:29

You could always reply with "some people think the earth is flat. I think they're bat-shit."
And then change the subject - ham or cheese for lunch?

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 19/03/2021 07:41

@StealthPolarBear

You could always reply with "some people think the earth is flat. I think they're bat-shit." And then change the subject - ham or cheese for lunch?
Love this.

I’d not be able to resist saying,

“Oh has Peter expressed a preference for them/they pronouns? I had no idea he had come out as non-binary. I must make a point of never using him/he anymore. You know, I think I’d be absolutely fuming if anyone ever misgendered me and didn’t use She/Her when referring to me. I’d actually complain, I think. Thanks for pointing this out, I’d hate to get in trouble with HR!”

StarsonaString · 19/03/2021 08:00

She sounds incredibly irritating. I would have to restrain myself from deathstares and very disparaging comments.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 19/03/2021 08:48

Oh god what a tedious try-hard. She's too impressed with her stupid self to realise she is doing it wrong. It's not up to her to decide to label Jane or Peter as they/them and I don't think I could help pointing that out to her. As a PP suggested, ask her if Jane and Peter have specifically asked to be referred to as they/them and explain that she could be causing offense by presuming. I'd also go into a a really long and boring explanation into the differences between men and women - biological, physiologocal, socio-economic, sexism, violence, prisons, the whole shebang. Waste a few of her lunchtimes doing that and I bet she'd soon get fed up.
Sounds like she's trying to show she's read some stuff online about it but it doesn't sound like she's actually knowledgeable about it at all. She will end up really embarrassing herself.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 19/03/2021 08:55

"some people don't think there's any difference between men and women. I think they're right"

I'd reply "Good job you're not a gynaecologist then."

SchrodingersImmigrant · 19/03/2021 08:57

I would actually find it insulting if someone kept refering to me as "they". I am a she, I am not "they".

I would refer to her as it. If she can chose a random pronounce for me, I can chose one for her🤷🏻
Surprised she survived the Afro American thing without HR involvement! It's like of someone kept refering yo me as Canadian😂 Both white, but that's about that!

30PercentRecycled · 19/03/2021 09:10

I was flippant in my catty responses earlier.

In reality, I am both gender critical and trans tolerant. She is going around misgendering people. That is not OK.

If anyone in your office were considering changing their pronouns for real then her behaviour could:

  • make her seem disrespectful (it seems to be a woke virtue signalling game to her)
  • make them feel they have to make a pronoun decision soon due to her constant misgendering
  • cause them to reach out to someone they believe to be out as trans due to hearing them have the they/them pronouns used all the time even though the person is not trans and thus out themselves or cause offence.

It is not behaviour that would make trans people or gender questioning people feel comfortable in your work place. As a manager I would take a very dim view of it.

It also pisses off the gender critical and grammar pedants but we're pissed off all the time anyway and have thick skin.

I would quietly raise with a manager or HR that she might be forcing trans people and gender questioning to feel they have to declare their pronouns at work, which is not fair. They should be allowed to choose when and if they share such personal information at work.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/03/2021 10:55

I think the way the word woke has been destroyed to mean everything and nothing is the issue here. OP making a thread to say that her colleagues attempt at 'wokeness' to use gender neutral terms has nothing to do with being aware of the plight of social and racial inequality.

B33Fr33 · 19/03/2021 10:58

Being gender blind is like pretending to be blind to a person's race. Which is pretty fucking racist. So it's way off to impose a gender on someone. Or can't she work that put? I've literally fallen out with a non binary friend over this they insisted that I don't present as female therefore I "should" be they. I told them that was incredibly hurtful. They told me I was a bitch.

StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2021 11:00

A bitch? In a totally un ironic way??

B33Fr33 · 19/03/2021 11:02

Absolutely. I loved it. And laughed. Hence we fell out. I forgot to play the game.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 11:03

@B33Fr33

Being gender blind is like pretending to be blind to a person's race. Which is pretty fucking racist. So it's way off to impose a gender on someone. Or can't she work that put? I've literally fallen out with a non binary friend over this they insisted that I don't present as female therefore I "should" be they. I told them that was incredibly hurtful. They told me I was a bitch.
The utter cheek of people trying to impose this shit on others Hmm. Imagine trying to tell another person how they "present"... Confused I'm pretty sure I don't present as anything in particular, despite being a woman; anyone telling me my pronouns would get short shrift from me.
OhWhyNot · 19/03/2021 11:04

Yes I work with a few of these types

One male colleague tells me i have nothing to be concerned about with trans women sharing women only spaces as they feel like me and all other women as they are a women just like I am

I used to get angry now I laugh it’s so stupid can you imagine this being accepted 10 years ago

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 11:11

If she does the they/them can you mention you've noticed they prefer neutral pronouns lately for themselves and if they want to talk, they should know you all accept them regardless of which gender they do or don't present in?

siyhack58342 · 19/03/2021 11:21

It's my mom's native language we don't actually have he/she pronouns, everyone is they. And it is a legitimate use of 'they' in the examples you've given, it's not incorrect, we're just not really used to hearing it in English I think

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 11:51

@siyhack58342

It's my mom's native language we don't actually have he/she pronouns, everyone is they. And it is a legitimate use of 'they' in the examples you've given, it's not incorrect, we're just not really used to hearing it in English I think
But it's not in common usage in the U.K., when it's used it's very definitely to make a point.
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