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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think flatmates should have told us they were dating?

27 replies

kelig · 18/03/2021 17:53

I lived in a four bed house. We all have busy professional work lives, but house share as we live in an inner city (very expensive city).

I found the property on spareroom, and it fitted all the boxes. So thought I would move in here for 6 months or so to see if I like it/need to move.

Two flatmates were moving out at the same, which I thought was a little odd. When I met the existing flatmates, they said the other two were moving out because they had just bought a house together. Fair enough.

So me and another woman both move into this house at the same time. She is lovely. The other flatmates are pretty nice too, and have been welcoming.

After a week or so, me and the fellow newbie, found out that actually, the two original flatmates are dating. When I asked during the house visit, they said they were friends. After a bottle of wine, the truth came out that the previous two flatmates moved out because they didn't like that the two flatmates were dating. Apparently things turned really nasty. This has made me worried that there is a side to the two that is being hidden.

AIBU to think they should have disclosed that they were dating? I would have probably still moved in, but I don't appreciate being lied to.

On the whole things are fine. But sometimes they are having 'couple time' in the living room, aka both snuggled up watching a film together. Absolutely fine, but I just feel so awkward when I go in there It's as if this is their flat and I am intruding. They've not said anything of the sorts, but you know when you can tell that your presence is unwanted?

As the kitchen is joined to the living room, I felt like I couldn't really cook myself dinner because they were obviously trying to have couple time. I don;t really understand why they can't go and do that in their bedroom if they wanna be all cutsey and snuggle up under a blanket. Idk. Maybe I am being precious, but it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Sometimes he does PDA things with her, like kiss her nape, or over the top compliments. I don't think I would do this in front of my friends.

What do you think?

OP posts:

TillyTopper · 18/03/2021 17:56

Personally I don't think you are being unfair, especially as that maybe why the previous 2 moved out. I'd want to "stake a claim" and would definitely cook my dinner and use the area. They need to get their own place, I think they should snuggle under a blanket in their room, not in a shared house living room as it effectively feels they are blocking you from using it.

bridgetreilly · 18/03/2021 17:58

I think yes, probably they should have been upfront. But I also think that right now all four of you need to sit down and establish some house rules. It's not okay for some of you to feel excluded from the communal areas. So if people are in the living room, they need to respect that others may be using the kitchen, and indeed may want to come and join them watching TV. There are two of you not dating, and you have as much say in the house as the two who are. You aren't their lodgers.

bridgetreilly · 18/03/2021 17:59

Sometimes he does PDA things with her, like kiss her nape, or over the top compliments. I don't think I would do this in front of my friends.

Honestly, though, I don't think this sounds like excessive PDA. I think you may have to compromise a bit. It's not reasonable to expect them not to act like a couple at all in their own home.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2021 18:00

Honestly I think they should habe said, but I agree with the first response. You need to get over it snd just use the rooms as you see fit. Act like you don’t care. If they don’t like it they can move to their bedroom. Don’t let them make you feel uncomfortable. Get on th sofa beside them. Put your music on, cook your dinner, sit and eat it beside them.

They will soon retreat to their room. Or move out.

lazyarse123 · 18/03/2021 18:00

I don't think they needed to tell you but I wouldn't be letting them force me out of the communal areas. As the saying goes tell them to get a room.

VettiyaIruken · 18/03/2021 18:00

I think you should use the shared space as much as you want to.
If they are giving off cross vibes, ignore. They can always go to their room. The more you try to be invisible the more they'll take over.
That can only happen if you make it happen by avoiding the rooms you have every right to use!

AnotherKrampus · 18/03/2021 18:03

As this is a share, I'd plonk my arse down on the sofa next to them whenever I want to watch something and use the shared spaces. If they want private time, they can use their rooms.

BeagleEagle · 18/03/2021 18:05

@kelig

I lived in a four bed house. We all have busy professional work lives, but house share as we live in an inner city (very expensive city).

I found the property on spareroom, and it fitted all the boxes. So thought I would move in here for 6 months or so to see if I like it/need to move.

So me and another woman both move into this house at the same time. She is lovely. The other flatmates are pretty nice too, and have been welcoming.

AIBU to think they should have disclosed that they were dating? I would have probably still moved in, but I don't appreciate being lied to.

Sometimes he does PDA things with her, like kiss her nape, or over the top compliments. I don't think I would do this in front of my friends.

What do you think?

Theyre going to murder you together, OP

Palavah · 18/03/2021 18:06

You have as much right to the communal space as you do. Inhabit the space, do what you need/want to do. If they want privacy they have 2 private rooms they can go to.

Under normal circumstances ie pre Covid then in a shared house I'd expect residents occasionally to schedule time eg to cook a big dinner / romantic dinner/host friends, and other housemates scuttle to their room or go out for the evening. As a request in advance rather than an imposition.

44PumpLane · 18/03/2021 18:08

Use the shared space as much as possible... If they are that serious and renting 2 rooms they can use one as their bedroom and the other as their own private lounge if they are that bothered by private couple time.

JosephineBaker · 18/03/2021 18:09

Just use the communal spaces - tell them if they want "couples time" that's appropriate in their own rooms. I

Lampan · 18/03/2021 18:13

I would be friendly and completely ‘oblivious’ to any hints there might be that you should vacate any shared spaces for them. Don’t feel bad, you have as much right to use the spaces as they do. And start using the spaces right away, you don’t want it to become habit that you leave them to it.
If they have two bedrooms between them they could maybe turn one into a private sitting room if they want their own space.

Stovetopespresso · 18/03/2021 18:15

@AnotherKrampus

As this is a share, I'd plonk my arse down on the sofa next to them whenever I want to watch something and use the shared spaces. If they want private time, they can use their rooms.

why next to them, why not in between 😆

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 18/03/2021 18:23

I think their relationship is irrelevant in a decision to move into a shared house. Them choosing not to disclose it until you have been there a while is reasonable it seems.

I understand that this is Britain and any displays of personal affection in any shared or public space is even worse than wearing socks with sandals, but even so, think your reaction makes you seem the latter day Mary Whitehouse.

Cherrysoup · 18/03/2021 19:09

I think I’d be telling them they were making me uncomfortable with pda display. They can definitely restrict that to the bedrooms.

donquixotedelamancha · 18/03/2021 19:13

I don;t really understand why they can't go and do that in their bedroom if they wanna be all cutsey and snuggle up under a blanket. Idk. Maybe I am being precious, but it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Sometimes he does PDA things with her, like kiss her nape, or over the top compliments. I don't think I would do this in front of my friends.

This is MN so you are certainly going to get replies supporting you with the idea that normal physical contact is antisocial but I think unless you live in Saudi Arabia you will have to learn to cope.

Never visit somewhere gregarious like Spain, Italy or France- you'll hate it.

donquixotedelamancha · 18/03/2021 19:15

I think I’d be telling them they were making me uncomfortable with pda display. They can definitely restrict that to the bedrooms.

Or just start loudly praying for God to forgive their lustful ways every time the bastards hold hands.

thenewduchessofhastings · 18/03/2021 19:19

If they have 2 bedrooms between them could they not use one as their room and the other as their living room?

They can have as much privacy as they want then

Aprilx · 18/03/2021 19:20

I don’t think they should have told you, equally I don’t see why they didn’t. What I do think though, is that you shouldn’t feel forced out of the communal areas, I would plonk myself down on the sofa beside them and cook whenever I want.

willibald · 18/03/2021 19:23

YANBU. I'd be pissed off. But I would use the communal areas as I saw fit. Fuck their couple time. They don't like it, they can fuck off and get a love nest together somewhere. I'd leave at the end of the term and do what I could to make sure that others know the set up - who's the landlord?

Usagi12 · 18/03/2021 19:23

It's not really any of your business tbh. I
You pay for the flat, if you want dinner go make it, if they want alone time as you said they can go to their rooms. Sounds like your issue not theirs, they've never said anything to make you feel you can't eat or use shared space.

Scarlettpixie · 18/03/2021 19:31

It seems a bit odd they didn’t say but i would have no issue. I wonder if you feel uncomfortable using the public areas in part because you are new and it feels like their house? Their PDA don’t sound to much. What would happen if you had a friend or partner over? Would you use the communal space? You might need to have a chat about how you all want to use the space but don’t feel pushed out. Like you say you have to use the kitchen!

Jumpers268 · 18/03/2021 19:33

Well they told you they were friends so that's an outright lie. When I was younger I rented a house with a friend. After 2 months her boyfriend was living there. I'm not a prude but it made me so uncomfortable. I wanted to just come home from.work and chill in front of the sofa watching shit on teli. Not be in the same room as your candlelit dinner. Shudder. I moved out when the 6 month lease ended. I have no advice but no you are NBU.

Windchangeface · 18/03/2021 19:34

I’d almost prefer 2 rooms taken by a couple as in any non covid situation you could end up with 3 housemates all bringing partners home constantly.

In my experience the constant presence of non resident partners, hanging around communal spaces, taking up shower time and increasing bills is a huge cause of fallout. This way you only have 1 housemate to worry about.

You’re being too sensitive about ‘couples time’ too, just go make your food! Literally carry on like they’re not there are if they don’t like it they’ll go to their rooms xx

Windchangeface · 18/03/2021 19:35

It is weird they lied though and that would annoy me!

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