It's time society properly acknowledged this mental disorder ie Court system, Judges, Psychiatrists etc because its not as if we haven't seen how dangerous it is with the likes of Trump etc and the total devastation it causes. 4000 Kids in jail in “state sanctioned child abuse", hundreds of thousands of covid deaths etc. The best contribution Trump's made is pulling this mental condition into the light.
How could you and most people have known about it before, let alone protected yourself, when the media and psychologists were silent about it? NPD has been in the medical books for about 60 years, but who told us? Maybe because it affects men approx 8/10 is why society is so tolerant… and silent about it and the danger it poses.
I’m sorry you sound so devastated.
The only thing I can say is there is a way forward for you. There’s lots of good info on youtube, and the internet - borrow Mary Trump’s book from the library. Start getting yourself clued in because you will lose if you try to play his game of lying, cheating, gaslighting, slandering you etc etc. Society is geared up for men just like him, but you don’t have to feel beaten like this forever and Information is your power.
Use 3rd platforms to communicate with him like Family Wizard or similar so it keeps a record. Boundaries are your keys to self protection so start building them. He’s mission will be to break yours down which is why you can’t chit chat with him ever (no matter how nice he’s being today) no debates etc. What’s really to discuss except pick-up and drop off times?!
Never fall into the trap of slanging him off to the kids and family because he's waiting to use that against you, and sometimes family members will support him over you. When he has your kids focus on YOU... building a stronger, happier you and use the time to do your homework. Keep records!!!
The bright side of these Jekyll and Hyde monsters is they force you to do the work of boundary building AND with that knowledge you can begin teaching your kids. So when other 5 year olds are worrying about barbie, you’re teaching them emotional resilience. Start saying "How does it make you feel?” talk about their feelings, listen deeply to them, get REALLY good at it because he won’t. He can’t. He never will.
Psychologists believe that kids can grow to be very balanced and highly resilient as long as they have ONE sound parent / parent figure to balance out a narc parent and it sounds like you’re it. When they ask about him say things like "He's your father not mine, you’re entitled to your opinion no-one can say its wrong.” etc etc. Legitimise their feelings, never gas light their emotions because he’ll be doing it ALL OF THE TIME. Teach them values over things to empower them against your ex and other predators..
Lean in to strengthening your kids inner voice and outer opinion because frankly, as a society I think we’re really crap at this and its time we did much better. This is your opportunity to get ahead of the game. Play the long game. As others said TRUST your kids will eventually see the wanker he really is and nobody loves a wanker.
Remember he’s just a conman, and one day your kids will figure him out. Start getting ready and STRONG now to support them for when he inevitably blows himself up as malignant narcissists will ALWAYS do.