AIBU about friendship group?

[Eloiseifyouplease]

Fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable or oversensitive here. It's a long one, so hopefully not to drip feed.

I've got a group of 5 friends that I went to school with many moons ago and we still keep in touch and have a group chat. Chat mainly consists of their children's photos, life updates, holidays etc, and someone will post at least once a day. We all live within 10 miles of each other, but only really met up once or twice a year pre-covid. I think it's more about the keeping in touch and sharing memories of old times that keeps us going but nevertheless it's always been lovely to have.

All of my other friends married under 25 and haven't really left the area we grew up in. None of them went to Uni (not an issue, just pointing out they've only lived here) and all have at least one child. The chat is full of baby / child pictures and daily videos of what they're doing. I love these updates and always comment on them.

I went to University over 200 miles from here, and then worked abroad for 10 years before moving back. I am not likely to have children unfortunately (they don't know this) and for me my career is every thing. I recently posted in the group a response to one of the children's pictures and in the message also said 'I start my new job on Monday '. One person messaged back a few days later saying 'brilliant, how did the first day go?'. I let her know how it went and that was that. No one else acknowledged it. The same happened last year when I moved house - one person said 'good luck for the move'.

I got engaged Christmas 2019 and planning to get married this Christmas. When we got engaged we had messages from them all, but none of them have asked since. I spent so much time planning their weddings (from abroad) and sending ideas, and offering to help and even sending them gifts from where I was living at the time. I know we've all grown apart since then as we've grown up, but surely a message to say 'how are things going with plans? would be normal?

I know this last year or so has been tough on everyone and they've all had to home school. I just feel like because they've already done the marriage thing, bought a house years ago it isn't that interesting to them any more.

Am I being unreasonable to think like this and being overly sensitive? Do I need to get over it?

I don't think you're being too sensitive. It's sad that they can't be more supportive. It takes a few seconds to type a few words to an old friend who has a new job or planning a wedding. I'm in a similar group on fb, we haven't seen each other for years but if anyone posts news they generally get a lot of responses.

I'd step back a bit and concentrate on your closer family and friends.

I think the wedding stuff is a bit OTT, and sounds like it’s more your thing then theirs.
You’ve got 2 years from your engagement to your wedding... that’s not massively unusual, but I don’t have any friends who would ask our group about how wedding plans were going over such a long period. What is normal, is every now and then for the bride to share of something wedding related herself - and then people will show interest.

Obviously going off one post here, but it sounds like these friends don’t share your interests and don’t care much as life has moved on - not asking about your first day at work shows that.

But I think at the same time, you possibly put in more than average and expect the same - which isn’t going to always happen, as it’s more than average.I can’t imagine being able to say that I’d spent “so much time” planning other people’s weddings, tbh!

I think that you need to accept that this is not your friendship group, you only met up with them once or twice a year per covid, they are people that you have a shared history with and certainly no harm in keeping in touch on a casual basis, but they are no our friendship group. Things have moved on for you and for them and you probably need to start to cultivate new friendships with people you have more in common with, and keep this group on a more casual footing.

To your questions about weddings, I find it odd that you were planning other people’s weddings from overseas and offering help, most people get on with planning their own wedding. I don’t understand why you were involved to that degree to be honest. I think it would be a bit strange if a close friend didn’t ask about how wedding plans were coming on, but I am just not sure I would classify this group as close friends anymore. I think you need to take a little bit of a step back.

I think you all are probably at different stages of your lives. I think people change jobs so often that it's just one of those things?
And they did congratulate you about your engagement. Is there a wedding date set? And the covid with homeschooling has been ridiculously tough for many. I think maybe they are a bit wrapped up in their own busy lives.

Thank you to everyone that's replied, it's good to get some perspective on here rather than have thoughts rattling around in my head all day.

With regards to the comments about finding it strange that I was so involved with friend's weddings, I was 19 when my first friend was engaged and I think perhaps immaturity shows here. All of us were just as involved and my friend would check things with us (rather than her husband to be). So I guess that's weird in itself, but maybe being young was why we did that? Two others were closely after when I'd moved abroad, so I guess we just continued with that as they were only a few years later. I know I wouldn't want that kind of involvement for myself, but a 'how's wedding plans coming along?' would be nice. But as a few of you mentioned, maybe I need to look at these as acquaintances who we can share memories with rather than friends who I'd go to for support. I think I just felt hurt that others post things and get replies whereas my updates go unacknowledged.

I did wonder if I was being a bit full on replying to most posts and pictures, but I've just looked back and mostly all posts have a few of us commenting.

Like @Sahm101said I think we're just at different stages now, so I think I'll take a step back, take it for what it is and just accept that times have moved on.

Thanks all x

You seem ok with not becoming a mum but are you totally ok about it ?
I find having kids puts most women's careers on back burner and I certainly don't care as much about my job or others lives since kids
Unless you have done home schooling you literally have no idea of the draining horror that it is
You sound a lovely thoughtful person who I would love to have as a friend but you are now out of step with this group

Two options
Stay, snd understand you are now way down on their thought list
Drift off and disengage

You sound like a lovely woman.

They are more old acquaintances now.

Pull back and focus on developing other friendships.

I think part of growing up is realising that you really don't have anything in common with the people you went to school with - other than that you went to school together.
If you lead similar lives and live in the same place, maybe that doesn't happen, but I maintained several friendships for a few years, and they mostly tailed off at some point.
Stay in the group but mute it, and only reply when you have something specific to say (probably not cooing over baby photos)

That’s a bit shit. I have a group of friends from school and we keep in touch via WhatsApp (not as much contact as you have) and about 3 or 4 get togethers (pre COVID) or zoom calls. One woman isn’t married and doesn’t have kids but has other family commitments that we all make sure to ask about, and always make a bit more of an effort for her birthdays or other milestones.

Yanbu

They're being shit friends

Yes I think you're all right. I will stay in the group for now but I will certainly pull back, mute and only reply when I have something specific or meaningful to add.

I think this has been more about me having to adjust my own emotions and expectations moving forward x

Good for you.
No need for any drama or a blow up, just pull back and place your energies elsewhere.

I must admit I have always treasured my childless friends and so enjoy their company, but even with my friends with children, after a brief "how are they all", we always move the conversation on quickly.
We enjoy speaking about other things thankfully.

Ive found this with friends I had as a young woman and with my own family. Whereas they had families of their own Ive had several careers (I still run a business) and there is a huge interest gap there. When I returned to education midlife my parents didnt even bother to come to my graduation - that was the level of their interest. But they went to the christenings of all their grandchildren. I felt angry and bitter at the time. Now I accept that whats important to me is not a priority with them.

As other posters have stated, life moves on and yours has taken you in another direction as a woman with a career rather than as a "mum".

Maybe cultivate a new group of friends who are in a similar social position who have worked and traveled. You cant make your friends over into what you want them to be.

Good plan op. You sound like a really lovely woman.