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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about ds1

45 replies

Bellver888 · 17/03/2021 22:57

My friend has well and truly annoyed me today.

Went for a socially distanced walk with DS 15 months and a stranger waved at him, he flapped back which my perfect parent friend has basically used to tell me DS is autistic.

I have a lot of anxiety at the moment and now I’m panicking. DS isn’t talking, but claps, plays peekaboo, understands and copies “all gone” with arms wide open and can make the noise where you put your hand on your mouth like the wah wah noise. He is so quick to copy and understand things but just isn’t verbal. He isn’t pointing so to speak but makes amazing eye contact, always brings toys and books to play and read, he does however use my hand to point to things in books, e.g “that’s not my teddy” he will scratch the rough surface then get my finger to scratch too. He holds out his hand when he wants something and will bring me things such as his cup if he wants a drink, if he wants something out of reach he’ll hold his hand out to it and make a noise for me to get it. He also loves to open and close the door as he gets a reaction out of it once he walks in and gives a big smile

He is my first born, no one else has concerns yet this has made me more anxious.

OP posts:
Mylovelyhorsee · 18/03/2021 08:16

At 15 months my eldest baby wasn’t speaking much, sounded just like your baby (is now almost 4 and no concerns at all) my second son is 15 months and can say loads. Every baby is different and they all develop on their own timeline. I’m not sure how flapping means autism? And unless she is qualified to diagnose children then she shouldn't say anything at all.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 18/03/2021 09:58

Hi op

Please please don’t worry about autism yet he’s so little and sounds lovely

I live in an area where autism is quite common due to industry drawing certain types of people who you would previously have called Aspies

DD DH and almost certainly DS are all on the spectrum (first 2 diagnosed) many of their school friends over the years have also been diagnosed so I’ve seen and experienced whole groups developing together

The ONLY thing I’ve seen in common is that they are invisibility drawn towards each other, I’ve often said you could put a child in the classroom and soon see which group they gravitate to and work it out

All of these children however developed differently. Some walked earlier (mine did) or very late (a cousin) some were late to talking but then became extremely articulate whilst others needed speech therapy for years

DS hand flapped when running but won’t undertake assessment and that’s his right

What I’m trying to say is that all of these children developed differently but still were autistic, much like the rest in the class who were NOT autistic

People hear of one sign of autism and think that it presents a picture but it’s just a part of it not the whole, as anyone who experiences autism will tell you “when you’ve met one autistic person you’ve met one autistic person” every one is unique and different and one sign doesn’t mean it’s autism

Original poster
Bellver888 · 18/03/2021 09:58

I think pointing for DS is just around the corner as he’s slowly learning, he “pointed” at himself in the mirror today, and at his biscuit when I was holding it, he just isn’t getting his point finger seperate yet

OP posts:
cripez · 18/03/2021 10:07

I've had an autistic toddler and I currently have a neurotypical toddler and the major differences at fifteen months were:

NT toddler looking at my face to see how I reacted to things eg loud noises
NT toddler crying if their brother cried, from very young (maybe 4 mths)
NT toddler able to wave, repeat Mama etc from about 10 mths
Autistic toddler using my hand as an extension of his own eg to get something he wanted
Autistic toddler showing little to no interest in other children, or what they were doing
Autistic toddler was the early walker. He crawled early and walked early. He's six now and always on the go. NT toddler took their time to get it right.

But like a PP has said, every child is different and that applies to neurodiverse kids too.

If your kid turns out to be autistic it really isn't something to be afraid of

NormanStangerson · 18/03/2021 10:18

What a deeply unhelpful ‘friend’.

RonObvious · 18/03/2021 10:33

Wow. Even if one of my friend's kids was showing clear signs of autism, I wouldn't say anything, unless they brought it up first. If they were struggling and asked for advice, I might suggest strategies that worked for us, but to come out and say that someone's child might be autistic based on a flappy wave? Nah. Don't give it headspace. Although, maybe query the friendship.

RonObvious · 18/03/2021 10:34

@Tomnooktoldmeto

Hi op

Please please don’t worry about autism yet he’s so little and sounds lovely

I live in an area where autism is quite common due to industry drawing certain types of people who you would previously have called Aspies

DD DH and almost certainly DS are all on the spectrum (first 2 diagnosed) many of their school friends over the years have also been diagnosed so I’ve seen and experienced whole groups developing together

The ONLY thing I’ve seen in common is that they are invisibility drawn towards each other, I’ve often said you could put a child in the classroom and soon see which group they gravitate to and work it out

All of these children however developed differently. Some walked earlier (mine did) or very late (a cousin) some were late to talking but then became extremely articulate whilst others needed speech therapy for years

DS hand flapped when running but won’t undertake assessment and that’s his right

What I’m trying to say is that all of these children developed differently but still were autistic, much like the rest in the class who were NOT autistic

People hear of one sign of autism and think that it presents a picture but it’s just a part of it not the whole, as anyone who experiences autism will tell you “when you’ve met one autistic person you’ve met one autistic person” every one is unique and different and one sign doesn’t mean it’s autism

This. Both my two are likely on the spectrum, and they are the complete opposites of each other, in almost every way.
Sahm101 · 18/03/2021 10:37

Gosh he sounds absolutely normal! Your friend sounds stupid really. What is she qualified in exactly??
He sounds adorable. My ds was really chatty at that age, but equally my friends son wasn't. They both are fine!!
Please don't let this so called friend get to you. You ds probably wanted to hug or tried waving with both hands or something else completely normal.

BrumBoo · 18/03/2021 10:44

Your friend isn't just rude, she's quite offensive. A 15 month old flapping a wave at someone is nothing like stimming. My eldest 'flaps' as a form of sensory management, it's more of shaking fists than actually waving and very obviously nothing to do with trying to communicate. He also didn't start stimming until he was three or so.

I bet your friend is one of these people who thinks she's a 'bit OCD' for liking things tidy as well Hmm.

Original poster
Bellver888 · 18/03/2021 10:51

She actually does say she’s OCD cos she likes Mrs Hinch.

DS loves children, especially toddler age ones who give him attention, he will always look to me and come over if a loud noise shocks him or frightens him

OP posts:
eensyweensySpider · 18/03/2021 10:52

@Bellver888

He’s started to learn pretend play now as well, he brushes my hair with his comb and gives me some of his drink, every time he has a drink now he goes “aaaah” afterwards, he makes my heart so bloody full
Aww My 13 months DS does that and it's the cutest thing haha!! I find your friend's reaction a bit odd..I could never bring myself to say such a thing to my friends about their children simply because they are all so so different!! Of I was genuinely concerned about something, I'd make an effort to have a conversation with them about it rather than making such a passing comment without even thinking how it may effect the other person. So insensitive and a bit rude IMO and I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about regarding your LO.
BrumBoo · 18/03/2021 10:53

She actually does say she’s OCD cos she likes Mrs Hinch

That says it all. She's not OCD, likelihood is your son isn't autistic (not from this anyway) and your friend needs a good lesson on why her attitude is disabilist bullshit.

LittleBearPad · 18/03/2021 22:48

@BrumBoo

She actually does say she’s OCD cos she likes Mrs Hinch

That says it all. She's not OCD, likelihood is your son isn't autistic (not from this anyway) and your friend needs a good lesson on why her attitude is disabilist bullshit.

This
KatieAlcock · 18/03/2021 22:54

Child language researcher here, this is all exactly on track. Understanding words and using gestures (waving is HARD, so many bits to get right, so is pointing) come first, don't worry about the talking.
Tell your friend to go and wave at someone else!

Fr0thandBubble · 18/03/2021 23:12

My DS has autism and he sounds nothing like yours at that age. The fact that he understands things and also that he brings you toys and books - that’s extremely positive.

My DS used my hand as a tool but it would be, e.g. if he wanted to go out the door, he would grab my hand (without looking at me or making a sound) and throw it towards the door handle. Or if he was watching a Baby Einstein video on my laptop and wanted to watch a different one, he would grab my hand and throw it at the keyboard. Sounds like what your DS does is very different.

Don’t worry about the verbal language - the key is receptive language (I.e., does he understand a word you say) and joint attention (bringing you toys, looking at you if he sees something exciting, etc.).

Original poster
Bellver888 · 19/03/2021 01:46

I’ve not replied to her messages so she asked me what’s wrong, I sent this

“Hiya the comments you made about insert name were absolutely bang out of order, I don’t think this friendship is doing me any good and I’d rather just not meet up anymore as I find you extremely patronising”

OP posts:
JustAddCoffee91 · 19/03/2021 01:55

My DS1 wasn't very verbal at all until about 18 months, he was 2 in December and honestly he's a proper little chatterbox now
Don't let your "friend" worry you xx

Ikora · 19/03/2021 02:14

DH hardly spoke a word till he was 4, he has a PhD from Cambridge. He is still a man of few words but a deep thinker. Your baby sounds very sweet and totally fine.

Bringallthebiscuits · 19/03/2021 02:39

My son is on the waiting list for an autism assessment (it’s a long process to get a diagnosis). His toddler sister is noticeably different to how he was in that she will look at us for a response as she plays. Much more smiley at us too, whereas he would smile but only at things that made him laugh rather than at people.

Even if your child did turn out to be autistic, as another poster said it’s not something to be afraid of. My son has difficulties with some things but is also an affectionate and kind boy.

Sh291 · 18/07/2025 18:21

How is your son now OP? mine just waved backwards and im also worried about autism.

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