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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel utterly shattered that my 2 DS’s have had such a rubbish first year at uni ...?

49 replies

Aperole · 17/03/2021 21:10

I wish i could stop feeling like this and put it in perspective ... they were the first to go to uni in our family and i just feel so sad that their 1st year experience has been so disappointing, i keep thinking and wishing they had deferred for a year ,,,?

I know there are so many young people that are going through this same experience with uni and it’s beyond anyone’s control , but i do still feel knotted up about it all and the missed experiences that are having ...,

OP posts:

FamilyOfAliens · 17/03/2021 22:25

OP, ignore people who say you can’t ever express any negative feelings about the effects of the pandemic if there is someone somewhere who might be worse off than you.

pumpkinpie01 · 17/03/2021 22:25

It is really crap , my dd is in her 2nd year so it's affected her first year and 2nd year and if everything gets back to normal by June that's her whole 2nd year just gone. My Ds should have moved to Manchester to do his masters , obviously hasn't gone ,whole course done from dining room table. It's been crap for both of them . They haven't moaned much at all and obviously understand that so many people are worse off but I do feel sad for them that their uni time has been ruined. Students really have been screwed over

CandyLeBonBon · 17/03/2021 22:26

I graduated in 2020 as a mature student and had to do my fmp in strict lockdown. With 3 kids at hone as a single mum. I lost all my work, and my brother took his own life.

I appreciate younger students might be a bit gutted they couldn't have the expected 'experience' but they do have the gift of youth, I went back to uni at 47. Perspective is everything.

Original poster

Aperole · 17/03/2021 22:29

Printempsahoy - what you have said is so true - feeling regret on behalf of others is completely wasted energy , and it won’t help them to be aware this is how i’m feeling ! 😳. i really will try to obsessing about it

OP posts:

Serin · 17/03/2021 22:30

One of mine has grown up a lot this year. He is a student nurse and has been working on a Covid ward since Xmas. He has seen things that most 19year olds haven't and I'm proud of how he has coped. I am so pleased that things are looking brighter now and hope he gets to go to Ibiza or somewhere similar over summer. I think he really needs to let his (overgrown) hair down.

yikesanotherbooboo · 17/03/2021 22:39

My DS is coming to the end of year one and doesn't know a soul on his course or in his university. He has been shielding at home almost all year and just sees his mum and dad. All I say to him is that he is lucky he has something to do and isn't searching for a job but it is a bit rubbish.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/03/2021 22:44

I understand why it seems so awful, and their experience would have been better if covid hadn’t been around. But I think the wishing they’d deferred is misplaced. I think leaving school and not having anything to do would have been far worse. If they’d deferred they’d likely have had a truly wasted year. Not super likely to get a job. Still no real socialising opportunities, they’d end up a year older without anything at all to show for it. As it is, they’ve had a bad year like an awful lot of people, they miss out on all that fun socialising and the teaching may not be quite as good, but they’ll still have a year of study under their belts. They’ll have two more years of uni where they can do all that crazy student stuff. If at the end of it they feel the need for more, potentially, they could take a year at the end and travel or something. Better to do the “extra” year at the end when they can actually do something, than spend it moving around waiting for their “life” to start.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 17/03/2021 22:44

DD is in her 2nd year. She came home for Easter last year and wasn't allowed to go back until it was time to shut down her uni accommodation for the summer.

This year she came home at Christmas and our country told students that if they were home they should stay home and not travel back to uni in England. She's lucky she chose to stay on campus so she has had this term's accommodation charged, but they are giving credits back against what she has still to pay for next term for all the weeks she's been home for so far.

If she'd been in private accommodation she'd have been stuffed and stuck paying for it the whole time.

MintyMabel · 17/03/2021 22:53

They’ll live. There’s always next year.

I lived at home when I was at uni. I still managed to have a decent experience.

BackforGood · 17/03/2021 23:31

It is sad for them that they have not had the experiences that they might have had but it really is not something you should be 'utterly shattered' about.
Yes it is disappointing. No it is not what either of us would have wanted but he it really isn't the end of the world

This ^ and then all the posts that have followed on a similar vein.
My dd is in her first year.
No, it's not the same experience as her siblings had in their first year, but there's no point in comparing that - her choice was start in Sept 2020 or sit around in her bedroom at home, not being able to go out, unlikely to be able to work, and not being able to see her friends.
She went to university. So now she is almost 1/4 of her way through her degree. She has learned to live apart from her parents. She has made new friends and she is having a great time.

Now, I know there are some students who have had different experiences (and don't forget, judging it by the posts on here is like judging relationships by reading the relationships board - lets keep the numbers in proportion). Let's also remember that every year, there are lots of students that drop out, or change course or change university or start again. This year everything is being blamed on COVID, without taking that into account.

MumW · 17/03/2021 23:37

I'm actually very proud of my DD and her flatmates, they have made their own experiences.
I do worry about the academic side of things - lack live lectures etc.

Griselda1 · 17/03/2021 23:52

My son is in his 3rd and final year at a Russell group university.Not sure if it happened at all universities but his first year was really interrupted by strike action, obviously the following two years by covid.He already knows there's no graduation ceremony and it's certainly all quite an anti climax but our family has not been affected by covid and we just have to be grateful for that. Those who did a sandwich year have been terribly affected also but things can only get better for them.

Damnloginpopup · 18/03/2021 00:45

My daughter is loving it. 1st year at Loughborough and she's really grown as a person and had a good time with her housemates (they are in a bubble). I'm sad for those whose experience has been negative, including some of her friends, but she's made the most of her year. She's missing the gym but otherwise all is good and she's getting really good results too. She posted her latest video today (I'll add it just for the sake of it while I'm here) which despite the title is fairly typical from what she says!

SongSilkTrainspot · 18/03/2021 00:53

@ThatsAllFolks

Mine is in third year. Been home more than there. Paying rent n bills throughout. Has long covid. Year two was depressed and barely interacted. Year one students aren't different from the others

So you empathise surely?

There’s nothing worse than when someone says they’re struggling and someone replies with how hard others have had it.

SongSilkTrainspot · 18/03/2021 00:58

@MintyMabel

They’ll live. There’s always next year.

I lived at home when I was at uni. I still managed to have a decent experience.

By leaving the house during the day and going to university I presume? Socialising, face to face lectures. It’s not nearly the same as what’s happening this year.

I am a third year student Op. I feel extremely sorry first years. Positives is they’ll hopefully go on to have a great few years and normal graduation. All the best!

CreosoteQueen · 18/03/2021 04:51

Are you usually so emotional?

Don’t be a dick. You ought to have the empathy and emotional maturity to understand that sometimes people just need to vent, and that it doesn’t indicate an emotional problem

daisyoranges · 18/03/2021 05:57

I think a lot of people are keen to point out others have it worse and that’s true of absolutely everything, especially on a global scale. YANBU, op. It’s really such a shame. I do think while it is rubbish for everyone as a group the 11-21 year olds have probably been most impacted.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/03/2021 06:13

I get this. The university experience can be very important to some people. If I hadn't had my time away from home at uni I don't think I'd have married or had any adult friends as I wasn't able to keep in touch with people from school nor was I able to meet any potential companions in those working years after uni. Its not just partying, it can be a really important formative experience for some.

A reduction in opportunities for young people is always a sad thing.

windymillertheecowarrior · 18/03/2021 07:04

In my opinion what was completely wrong was starting back in person in September. This led to the large numbers of students in what was to all intents and purposes isolation in their accommodation, and indeed more of them having Covid 19 than if most had remained at the family home. Perhaps more would have deferred.

Youseethethingis · 18/03/2021 07:11

I get what you mean. My DS was 9 months when the fist lockdown hit and has missed out on soft play and swimming and play dates and starting nursery. Worst of all he has missed out on his brother, who was still born last June, and would be at the stage of starting to be a playmate by now.
I feel so guilty that his little world is so limited, and not what I had planned for him at all.
At least the world is still turning and will open up again for DS1 to enjoy it, even if it’s later than planned. DS2 will never get that chance.

orangejuicer · 18/03/2021 07:12

It's fair enough to vent OP, it really is shit and I can imagine you just want your DC to have the experience you may have had. They will bounce back and things should be a bit more positive next year.

I would say that universities have really been trying to make things as best as they can for students but their hands are tied in some ways so it's not all their fault.

catsandchaos · 18/03/2021 07:31

At least they got to go to sixth form and University. Some won't after the pandemic due to loss of learning and MH issues

LApprentiSorcier · 18/03/2021 07:34

YANBU - I often think about how awful this must be for students. School children too. Let's hope things are better in the next academic year.

Embracelife · 18/03/2021 12:05

It s OK to vent and to feel sad.
But also put in perspective.
Everyone is in same boat. (But Some have worse things to deal with)
If it is causing extreme anxiety then seek help.

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